Unless you’ve been living under a rock (wouldn’t blame you), you’re probably hyper aware of a certain chiselled Duke’s arrival on Netflix – aka Simon Basset (Regé-Jean Page), the Byronic Bridgerton royal you didn’t know your life was missing.
Based on Julia Quinn’s eponymous book series, the first season of the binge-worthy Bridgerton has ruffled more than a few feathers, or should we say Featheringtons, with its sex, scandal and high society papers. The plot follows the powerful Bridgerton family, as they ballroom dance and bonk their way through Regency London seeking various hedonistic highs and marriage-minded pursuits.
It could be likened to Downton Abbey with hints of Gossip Girl, only with unabashed sass & spunk by the horse-drawn carriage load, so probs avoid watching it with the parents unless you want to make 110 cups of tea to avoid sitting through eight episodes of ribald Regency romps, pretending to look at anything but the Duke’s incomparable arse cheeks. We’ve never investigated the ageing patina of our ceiling so much.
Dearest reader, here are all the thoughts, feelings and anonymous musings we had whilst watching the brilliant Bridgerton.
Disclaimer: contains spoilers, so look away if you haven’t made it to the grand crescendo yet.
Straight in with a tree shag, foreplay wasn’t invented yet then
I must follow all the actors and actresses on Instagram immediately
No way, Daphne is Sally from Coronation Street’s daughter?!
Reckon Queen Charlotte’s orgy of pearls is a sign of things to come? Ahem.
Sounds like classical music but it’s not, what IS that pop bop?
Screams ‘Thank You Next!’ in the middle of the night, startling all the dogs and neighbours within a 5-mile radius
Lots of longing looks, stolen glances, dancing and breathy sighs so far. It’s like TOWIE circa 1813
The Duke of Hastings hath arrived and I too am positively parched, Daphne
His smile, the symmetry, the way he holds himself in a riding boot and crushed velvet suit jacket… (Fans self with a leftover fajita wrap)
Didn’t have him down as a gooseberry pie kinda man, mind you
Isn’t that Christopher Robin? And Tracy Beaker’s mum!
Can’t wait for the next time I get to call a f*ckboy an uncatchable rake
Nah, not Nigel Berbrooke. Anyone but Nig.
Pretend to form an attachment? Already done that Si, don’t you worry about that. We’re 10 steps ahead
Lady Danbury is a MOOD
Lady Bridgerton’s always right, ‘there is only the Duke’
Can’t. Handle. His. Tragic. Backstory. Though.
This slow-mo dance scene is everything, look at them. It’s like watching a perfectly choreographed mating ritual
I wonder how many local men I’d have to promenade with from a respectable 2m distance to inherit a large ancestral home
Not all spoons are created equal…
I didn’t know I could be aroused by a spoon but here we are. They’re posh and I’m poor but we’re ALL desperately horny and trapped in this twisted cutlery threesome together
Daphne snort laughing in front of the Prince of Prussia – it me
He’s mansplaining masturbation but whatever, we can move past that
“and that should help you…come” huwe#afhoaiwm!? The sound we believe our burning loins would make if they could speak
The scriptwriting is chef’s kiss
Yep, this scene is going to need all eyes on a swift exit if watching with ya dad
I’d love a night out with this iconic duo tbh
Lord Rutledge asking to see Miss Thompson’s teeth will haunt us forevermore
There’s something very Rose Dawson about Daphne in the panting garden scene, namely because it feels like it’s been 84 years since we last saw the Duke naked
Wait, a duel? NO. I will not hear of it.
Cannot or will not have children? Lady Whistledown will surely spilleth the TEA
Benedict is having all kinds of second son fun. Good for him.
“To meet a beautiful woman is one thing but to meet your best friend and the most beautiful of women is something entirely apart” BAWLING
If she’s getting cold feet, stand ASIDE
First a spoon, now a glove, show me an inanimate object he can’t arouse us with
In a twist of 2021 fate, my perineum – it appears to be… pulsating
I haven’t been this invested in silverware since Connell’s chain
Every time he raises his brow, a little part of my virtue opens its legs
Even the wisteria is well hung in Regency London
This is it. The big flooding the fields in Autumn moment.
He burns for her but in doing so, he burns me
Yes, that’s more like it Simon, sack off the pig’s head and asparagus platter, have carnal pleasure for dinner instead
That achingly beautiful string quartet is serenading my clitoris right about now
Ngl, it feels a lot like it’s dancing
How does one apply to be an intimacy coordinator, exactly? Asking for a friend
All that rain and the writhing bodies on a stone folly. It’s like The Notebook on viagra
What an ingenious use for a ladder…
Safe to say, your Grace is not tongue-tied any more
Mentally, I am one half of the most talked about couples in the Ton at this point
My Instagram will be a Duke of Hastings stan account hereafter
Oh Daph, a wretched means to an end indeed
Observation: when the Duke does his angry whispering thing to Anthony, he sounds a bit like Mufasa
Death bed, marriage bed – where does my bed come into all of this? Answer me that
Filing the passive aggressive note I’ve just received from the neighbour under sh*t I won’t stand for in 2021. I’m not the one having all the sex – raise it with THE DUKE!
The portrait is not the only thing that’s drenched
“Just because something is not perfect, does not make it any less worthy of love” SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE AT THE BACK
Ok Netflix, I am one sex scene away from being served my eviction notice
Meanwhile the spoon scene lives on in my mind rent free
I KNEW it was Pen, short for Penelope but also ya know, a WRITING utensil. Pen Name. The Easter eggs were there all along.
The Duke holding the baby that could have been ours… be still my beating heart
What has that meddling bee got to do with it all?
May as well watch it again. Treat myself to a subtitled version.
Look at this ‘what’s your Bridgerton name’ doing the rounds, this could be fun. First letter of first name… D: Duchess, first letter of last name: H: Hastings. That’s it. I’m the Duchess of Hastings
MAKE HASTE SEASON 2!