The Unsung Joy of Reading, In Celebration of World Book Day
Books became the one government-approved friend we were allowed to invite into our homes and like babushka dolls in paper or e-reader form, they had more people and places hidden inside of them, waiting for us to read into being.
Stories have always mattered but never more so than now. When our worlds got smaller and darker way back when in 2020, many of us turned to fiction to fix it.
We craved stories a whole world away from our complex reality – tales of book binding magic and make-believe realms where characters were still allowed to hug. The art of doing nothing was no longer just a nice phrase to caption our Sunday photo dump with but a legal requirement.
Staying at home gave us a unique opportunity to indulge in the simple pleasures we were always too preoccupied and too booked to appreciate. Without the usual noise of The Daily Grind, we noticed sunrises narrated by birdsong and small talk over the garden fence, even the bubbling of the kettle five times a day seemed to do extraordinary things for our wellbeing – the soundtrack of small victories and bright sides.
Plans gave way to dogeared paperbacks and introspection, and we quickly rediscovered the estranged joy of reading for pleasure, from our sofas, our doorsteps and every available patch of hope-giving sun.
Scanning inky ideas from left to right was all we had, so we sat still in the safety of our four walls, took a deep unknowing breath and watched the murmurations of a writer’s mind scatter and dovetail before us.
Books give a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.
Plato
On rainy days, we let go of the pressure to seize fresh air and took provisions from our bookshelves instead. Like hygge hunters, our instinct told us to forage for our softest corners and fold ourselves away, as if we were sweet piles of weekend laundry or daily newspapers for pressing.
We sought comfort in all its motherly shapes; in midday baths and too many cups of coffee. The vanilla essence of our ordinary lives turned out to be the big beautiful breadcrumbs upon which we’d rely on to find our way home.
Books became the one government-approved friend we were allowed to invite into our homes and like babushka dolls in paper or e-reader form, they had more people and places hidden inside of them, waiting for us to read into being.
We yearned for words that would rest on our chest for months and rob us of sleep; the kind we’d frantically tap into the notes section of our phones at midnight alongside the shopping lists, passwords and baby names.
As each of those stories unfurled in our hands, blossoming like pavement flowers between bad news and political f*ck ups, we told ourselves that we’d read a few more chapters before making the bed or sorting the drawer of miscellaneous cables but we couldn’t seem to tear ourselves away from this other life we were clinging to. Somehow living vicariously through fictitious people and their often crumbling lives, makes returning to ours that little bit sweeter.
In fairer seasons, fresh cut grass and cordial daisies beckon us to kick off our sandals and sit under a tree, a face full of new freckles and a handful of fiction – a breeze just confident enough to fuss with the page numbers below it. In that moment, we’re all barefoot bookworms with nowhere else nor better to be, plucked from reality and sown amongst plot twists, leaning against grand oaks and chomping on the best apple you’ve ever had.
That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
As lockdown’s final denouement plays out, albeit tentatively, we must try to remember the soul tonic our fictional and non-fictional friends afforded us, and despite the return of full diaries and weekends bookended with pub gardens and dancing in the moonlight, we will always need stories to bring us back to life.
How necessary it is to lose ourselves in the make-believe to face the real world once again.
In celebration of World Book Day on the 4th March, we caught up with one of this years £1 authors Holly Jackson to chat about her best-selling series A Good Girls Guide to Murder, her prequel Kill Joy and life as an author in lockdown.
First off, how are you and how is your 2021 going?
Hello and thank you so much for having me! I am well – ish! The well is qualified with an ‘ish’ because on top of all the pandemic related stuff of 2021, I am also having one of the craziest, busiest times in work and personal life. This week alone I have three massive work-related things going on. It’s World Book Dayand I’m one of the authors who wrote a £1 book for the event, called Kill Joy.
It’s World Book Day and I’m one of the authors who wrote a £1 book for the event, called Kill Joy. Holly Jackson
It is also the publication of my sequel in the United States AND I have an encroaching deadline for the edits on the third and final book in my YA Crime Thriller series A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder. So it is all go go go on the work front. And in my personal life, I’ve literally just moved house so I am also on a very steep DIY learning curve, and don’t currently have any furniture! So lots of exciting things going on, but I am looking forward to a time when life has calmed down a tad and I can chill (and own a sofa on which to do said chilling).
This week we’re celebrating World Book Day, how are you getting involvedthis year?
Yes – very exciting! I love that there is a day dedicated to the love of books and reading. To be honest, almost every day of my life is a World Book Day, as books and stories occupy about 300% of my time. This year I will be getting involved by shouting about my WBD title, Kill Joy, which is a small prequel story set just before my first book, A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder. I think the £1 book scheme is such an incredible idea, and I remember when I was a kid at school being SO EXCITED when the book tokens were handed around. I remember dragging my poor mother to Waterstones IMMEDIATELY after school ended. I am incredibly honoured – and honestly still quite surprised – that I am playing a part in that this year: little Holly would never have believed she’d grow up to be one of those World Book Dayauthors! I am also incredibly impressed that WBD is managing to power on through a pandemic and school closures. If ever we all needed a time to celebrate and be distracted by books, now is the time!
A lot of our audience will know you from your series A Good Girl’s Guide toMurder, and your prequel Kill Joy is part of the World Book Day £1 book list,what can we expect from it?
Kill Joycan be very neatly summed up by its tagline: Six suspects. Three house. One murder . . . I had a lot of fun writing Kill Joyover a few weeks last summer. And honestly, it was quite tricky for me to write such a small book. My full-size books run from around 93,000 words – 130,000 words, so fitting an entire mystery plot into just 25,000 words was a really fun challenge.
essentially set out to create the most fun murder mystery / escape room type party imaginable, because I love a good murder mystery dinner party – one of those post-pandemic things I am very much looking forward to!Holly Jackson
In Kill Joy, we join Pip before the events of A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder, as she attends a murder mystery party hosted by her friend Connor. The game is set in the roaring twenties at a remote manor on a private island – but really just in Connor’s dining room – and the larger-than-life characters have to work out who murdered the patriarch of the family, Reginald Remy. I essentially set out to create the most fun murder mystery / escape room type party imaginable, because I love a good murder mystery dinner party – one of those post-pandemic things I am very much looking forward to! I hope readers love the story and feel like they are attending this mysterious, jam-packed evening alongside Pip, and will be forming their own theories as to WHODUNNIT, as well as spotting all the easter eggs and nods to events from A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder and the sequel Good Girl, Bad Blood.
Why is World Book Day so important and what do they do?
World Book Day changes lives by encouraging a love of books and shared reading. Their mission is to promote reading for pleasure, offering every child and young person the opportunity to have a book of their own. They say that reading for pleasure is the single biggest indicator of a child’s future success – more than their family circumstances, parents’ educational background or their income. WBD want to see more children develop a life-long habit of reading for pleasure and the improved life chances this brings them. And I am thrilled to be a part of that this year!
How can our audience get involved with World Book Day and help raiseawareness for their cause?
This year, World Book Day are looking into teen and young adult reading habits by running a nationwide research project. Anyone wanting to help raise awareness can go to www.worldbookdaysocial.com and look at their mission statement. Also, just talking about reading and the power it can hold is so important! Books are as magical as films, podcasts, YouTube, video games, and there are corners of the internet dedicated to a love of reading – find yourself at home with other book lovers on #Bookstagram.
Why do you think reading at a young age is so important?
I think that encouraging a love of reading is so important because books are, quite honestly, powerful and magical items. They can transport you to other times and places, both real and not, allowing you to explore history or hypothetical futures. They can teach you an incredible array of skills; there are so many random facts I know now that I learned from a book.
Books can transport you to other times and places, both real and not, allowing you to explore history or hypothetical futures. Holly Jackson
I learned that you should eat charcoal after ingesting poisonous berries from a fantasy series – I hope to never need that knowledge, but you never know! But even more importantly, books can teach you about yourself, and provide a safe space when the real world is a bit scary – something I think we have all needed this past year. I think the pandemic has proven – certainly in my eyes – that when times are tough, people turn to the things that bring them comfort, whether its re-reading your favourite books series, or binge-watching a new show on Netflix. Stories, in whatever format they come in, are always there for us when we need to escape.
What are some of the other £1 books you think our audience would love?
Alongside my £1 book, Kill Joy, the brilliant Derek Landy has written a teen title for World Book Day this year, Skulduggery Pleasant: Apocalypse Kings. Older readers might also enjoy Skysteppers by Katherine Rundell and The River Whale by Sita Brahmachari.
We know you started writing from a young age, what would your advice beto anyone who would like to start writing?
My biggest piece of writing advice might sound a little contradictory. Of course books and reading are a major part of writing, but those aren’t the only places where you can learn to hone your writing and storytelling skills. I think that watching films and TV shows and playing narrative games can be incredible resources in learning how to craft a plot, or perfect your characterisation. Screenwriting can be especially handy for anyone looking to write something pacey and fast-moving. Storytelling doesn’t only happen in books, and I think that there are incredibly valuable lessons to be learned in exploring other story formats, and then cherry-picking the best parts of them all! Beyond that, I would say not to be alarmed by other writing advice that tells you: You must write everyday to be an author. It just isn’t true. I do not write every day. I think, actually, in a single year, there are more days when I am not writing than when I am. That’s not to say I’m not working – there are a lot of jobs involved in being an author, but part of my process is taking a lot of time to research, and plot and plan the story, before I ever put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard as it were).
What are your top tips for getting into reading?
Find a genre that excites you! There are so many books out there, your perfect read is just waiting for you to find it. If this is your first foray into reading, try finding something that is similar to a TV show or film series you enjoy. Buzzfeed often make fun listicles in the form of ‘If you enjoyed – insert show – then you’ll love – insert book.’ A huge number of shows and movies are actually adaptations from books, and if you want to get ahead of what is looking like the next big Netflix hit, then I recommend reading the fantasy series Shadow and Bone and Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo, which I loved.YA is a great place to start for reluctant readers, because even if the books are long, they tend to be very pacey and page-turning to keep your interest.
What does your perfect weekend look like?
Great question! I’m actually about to pick up a puppy in a few weeks – so excited!!!! – so I’m going to cheat slightly and design my perfect weekend for a few months in the future.
And in a perfect weekend after the pandemic, I cannot wait for drinks outside in a sunny pub garden and to be able to see friends and family again.Holly Jackson
It will involve a huuuuuuge breakfast and then going on a muddy dog walk (I just got new wellies so the muddier the better). Followed by more playing with the puppy, and then lying on the best place on the sofa and playing PlayStation or Nintendo Switch, or binge-watching a show on Netflix, saying ‘just one more’ when we’ve already said that three times. And in a perfect weekend after the pandemic, I cannot wait for drinks outside in a sunny pub garden and to be able to see friends and family again.
What do you always carry with you?
Lip balm! I literally cannot be without it. My body has developed some kind of dependence to it now so if I go for more than say 5 hours without applying it, my lips shrivel up like a skeleton. This is not helped by the fact that I am consistently losing my current lip balm. When I moved house, we found a Lip-balm Graveyard under my old bedside table!
12.What would your last ever meal be?
This is a tough choice between either Nutella pancakes (English kind) or a cheese board spread with camembert and port salut and great chutney and crackers. Great . . . now I want cheese. BRB.
13.What is one positive piece of advice you could give to our audience?
This is a slightly strange one, but – get enough sleep! I only worked out recently that when I am in the actual writing stage of writing a book, I need around 9 and a half hours of sleep for my brain to be functioning properly and cope with the output and the constant working out of tricky plot problems. I feel like I have uncovered a true life hack here, and I am unashamed of my 9 ½ hours – although recently with my house move it has been more like 5 or 6 hours sleep a night, so I need to heed my own advice.
As we begin to emerge from our year-long loungewear cocoon (albeit still reluctant to give up our comfortable braless existence) and ride out what is hopefully absolutely definitely the very last leg of lockdown, here’s a few ideas for how you can pass the time between now and freedom. What do you say, one more banana bread for old time’s sake?
Klaxon: the tentative we’ll-believe-it-when-we-see-it roadmap to jeans and a nice top recovery is actually happening and sitting on a bench is nearly legal again.
Soon enough, we’ll be roaming around in an arid pub garden somewhere with a gaggle of pals, ordering a lukewarm white wine without the substantial bowl of soup to go with it and trying to relearn how to be sociable creatures again. And we can’t ruddy wait!
As we begin to emerge from our year-long loungewear cocoon (albeit still reluctant to give up our comfortable braless existence) and ride out what is hopefully absolutely definitely the very last leg of lockdown, here’s a few ideas for how you can pass the time between now and freedom. What do you say, one more banana bread for old time’s sake?
1 Delight in the hell of the school run small talk again. What a novelty.
2 Realise that out of the 1,037 things you bought in a previous lockdown life, you can wear approximately none of them
3 Book the 22nd June off work for personal development
4 Despair at the thought of actually having to reconnect with your estranged bras, wherever they may be
5 Get to work on your ‘songs I’m going to cry at this summer’ playlist
6 Start planning your comeback body by doing absolutely nothing because your body is a wonderland 24/7/365 and there’s a special place in hell for anyone who suggests you need to change for summer ‘21
7 Circulate Phil Mitchell memes to all squad WhatsApp groups like it’s your job
8 Delight in pissing off the neighbours with your noise because you have a life again and nothing else matters. Until you have to knock on their door at 1.15am to reclaim the hammock that just landed in their pond…
9 Wish nightclubs would have a soft relaunch strictly for those of us who would be in the overs category on X Factor. Special queue jump offer for those with a bad back.
10 Realise you have no authority over your hair anymore. No authority at all.
11 Exercise your right to feel genuinely excited about sitting in someone else’s garden, knowing full well you still have no intention of going. It’s just nice to be included.
12 Stress yourself out at planning another virtual Mother’s Day / Zoom tutorial addressing her forehead. Love you mum.
13 Admit you’d happily go to Frankie and Benny’s out of choice at this point. Regrettably.
14 Raise a glass for International Women’s Day and all the legends in your life
15 Get weirdly emotional at the prospect of cooling things off with the delivery guy. You’ve got places to be and parcels to miss as of 29th March. We pray he takes the breakup well.
16 Ponder how you’ll ever be able to enjoy casual sex again if you’ve got to stop to get your covid passports out
17 See if your feet can remember how to behave in heels…
18 And immediately require ibuprofen. Can’t believe we used to call this niche pain living.
19 Hope to dear god that in this new post-social-distancing world, the clammy awkward handshake shall remain outlawed
20 Wonder how socially spent you’re going to feel once you’ve used up all your energy on 21st June. Bring it on.
This week we're sharing the picks that have become essentials in our WFH routines and that have helped make both small and mighty differences to our productivity and mental health.
Ahh the home office. The tiny stretch of kitchen table. The uncomfortable chair that does nada for your posture. The sofa post 3pm when the afternoon is dragging. If you were anything like us then you may have optimistically assumed the whole WFH malarkey was going to be a quick stint of luxurious lie ins and access all areas to the snack cupboard. But alas here we are, almost 12 months later admitting defeat and the necessity of a routine, proper desk situ and with the knowledge of what we need to get sh*t done on the daily.
Whether it be calming house plants, fresh flowers, a pinboard for your meeting scribbles or a big ol’ bottle of H2o, we each have the items that keep us ticking over and motivate us when the day feels to drag.
Whether it be calming house plants, fresh flowers, a pinboard for your meeting scribbles or a big ol’ bottle of H2o, we each have the items that keep us ticking over and motivate us when the day feels to drag. This week we’re sharing the picks that have become essentials in our WFH routines and that have helped make both small and mighty differences to our productivity and mental health. If nothing else it gives us permission to justify another aesthetically pleasing notebook.
Zoe
This might seem quite random, but I love fresh flowers around my workspace, just a small vase! So a subscription to a flower delivery is always a nice way of having a fresh new bunch to brighten your space, especially as spring approaches. I’ve also included a nice lamp, I love a bit of mood lighting! Notebook is obviously an essential, and this one from A Good Company [ad – ambassador] is made from stone so completely waterproof and so lovely to write on. Lastly, I will always light a candle and my ultimate fave for this time of year is Baies from Dyptique!
Good vibes is what I’m seeking and good vibes is what I’m getting from this delicious combo of items that make the 9-5 feel like a breeze. First things first (I’m the realest), water! Ahh the age old essential. I’ve become somewhat lazy in walking the whole 10 steps to the kitchen of late so having a jug of water to keep me hydrated without needing to move a muscle is what I call a good use of my time. This Surviving and Thriving desk pad from Sighh is the mantra I need in the times when I am not thriving (often), and is the perfect size for mid-meeting notes and reminders. Some other posi accessorises include my healing stones which keep the good vibes flowing, and this adorable mini H Style print which honestly makes my desk space 10/10 more desirable.
I like my working area as clear as possible (though it rarely is!) So my desk choices are minimal and serve a purpose. Love a good sanitiser spray as it sinks in quickly and this one smells incredible. Obviously, a candle and it should obviously be pink but any will do great for giving you that warm, cosy glow. Hydration is vital and a water bottle serves as a reminder, especially if it’s also pink. Trinket tray for any snacks or if you want to take off your earings at 3pm like I often do. A bit of greenery to help you feel more at one with nature.
I feel like I have now perfected my WFH set up after a whole year of doing it! Which to me seems absolutely wild, the longest but shortest year ever?! I am houseplant obsessed, so of course, I have a big old plant plonked on the corner of my desk. Oliver Bonas sell lovely pots as well! I think a nice coaster for your desk is a must too for that morning coffee, I have one with my initials on it which I love. Having a tray to pop all your bits and bobs on too is always handy, like pens, lip balms, etc. Papier sell the most beautiful diary’s, which are of course great for staying organised and aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Lastly, everyone needs a boujie pen for writing notes with, papersmiths are the best and you can buy refills!
I was finding working from hove very uninspiring, so did a little makeover on my workspace. It does make working from home marginally less dull, although I would still like to be back in the Office. Plants bring me peace, as do sloths, so they are a must. The pin-board helps me stay organised and is not as ugly as traditional pinboards. Then the rest are accessories which look nice and help me keep the mess at bay.
We’ve been working from home for an entire year now – how WILD is that? I like to think we’ve all become experts at finding tiny wins and small victories by now and making sure my desk offers 10/10 sweeping views and manicured vistas of pretty stationery, candles, aesthetic AF coffee cups and fresh flowers makes ALL the difference to my writing mood. Even if they’re nearby or just in my peripheral vision, it’s enough to make me feel quietly content as I hunch over my laptop. I’m obsessed with all the Papier journals but the Liv & Dom collaboration is my all-time fave and I’m not afraid to admit, I buy a journal a month knowing full well my handwriting will never be worthy enough to fill them. They’re works of art.
This week is my last week before I head off on my maternity leave so it feels appropriate to talk about how I made my WFH desk work for me as well as it has up until now. I always try and have a nice water bottle with me to encourage me to stay hydrated, the bigger the better. My Momager notebook, a gift from Zoe, which I love, stays firmly by my side for all my calls and meetings. I would be totally lost without my MiGoals “get shit done” to-do lists. I write a new one at the start of each week which really helps keeps me on track and focused. Finally, I like a tidy desk space so anything to keep me organised and clutter-free is a must-have.
Does Your Love Life Need A Roadmap to Recovery? This Dating Guru Shares Her Expert Advice
In this blog post, we caught up with relationship expert and Vice President of Dating.com, Maria Sullivan, to talk pursuing romance in the middle of a pandemic, spicing up your Zoom chat and how to get the most out of virtual dating.
The pandemic has seriously changed the way we date. If it was tough to meet people before, it’s a particularly haunting experience now. The once additional online portal to potential lovers has since become the – only – way to connect with fellow singles, which significantly shrinks the pool of hair wash-worthy soul mates and presents a new wave of dating hang-ups.
It’s not all bad news, though. In the absence of IRL dates, bare-skinned shoulder brushes in bars and smouldering looks across a candlelit table set for two, we’ve got the luxury of a slower, more sensual pace. We are woke for the real deal and less willing to compromise where compatibility and emotional chemistry is concerned and that can only be a good thing.
Are we all in agreement that a weak ass wifi signal is THE most accomplished vaginablock?
We’ve got the time to give our hearts their due care and attention and form more meaningful connections than say, a quick swipe and a knee-jerk shag, devoid of the kind of carnal wanting and sexual frustration virtual dating in the middle of a pandemic so kindly affords us. Are we all in agreement that a weak ass wifi signal is THE most accomplished vaginablock?
If you’re all swiped out and feeling deprived of physical intimacy and affection, or if your once vivacious, memoir-worthy dating life is dying a slow death on Zoom, we know just the woman who can help.
In this blog post, we caught up with relationship expert and Vice President of Dating.com, Maria Sullivan, to talk pursuing romance in the middle of a pandemic, spicing up your Zoom chat and how to get the most out of virtual dating.
How do you actually go about asking someone out?
Ask in a way that doesn’t require an immediate response – for example, ‘I’ve been thinking about it and I’d love if we could hangout. We should do something soon.’ Leaving things opened ended to start is very effective, as it gives that person a moment to consider what things could be like, without catching them off guard. It’s also best to ask in person. Feel free to drop hints through text or on social but making that move in person establishes that you really have thought about this, which demands a certain level of respect.
Dating during lockdown is HARD work, how can you know if a virtual connection has the potential to turn into something good IRL?
A virtual connection has the potential to turn into something good IRL if you are noticing signs such as:
Butterflies: You get excited every time you get a notification from your virtual date or you get nervous to have a video chat with them
Commonalities: If you share similar interests and have a lot of things in common
You start to miss them even when you haven’t met in person. Missing someone you have never met isn’t common, but if you start to get those feelings for your virtual date, that could be a sign that the relationship will work out IRL.
How to shake up a virtual date so conversation flows?
Always have a set of questions prepared for your virtual date. This way, if you are starting to run out of things to talk about or just need an ice breaker to get the conversation started, you will have plenty of options in your back pocket!
Some examples of good questions for a date include:
Question: What do you do for a living?
Why: This question is a good ice breaker. People spend most of their time at work, so it good to get an idea of how they spend their days.
Question: What has been your favorite vacation?
Why: Everyone loves going on vacation and talking about what they did that made it so great. Asking this question on a first date will open up a conversation about where your date has traveled and if you are both into the same types of vacation destinations.
Question: Would you rather…?
Why: Playing would you rather is a great way to fill any awkward silence and it will also tell you more about your date than you were probably planning on finding out. It is important to keep the questions silly and fun. Don’t ask anything too crazy.
Question: What’s the most interesting fact you know?
Why: People are full of interesting facts. This is a fun question to ask to find out what your date knows, and you might even learn something new.
How do you conquer first date nerves?
Hit the gym before your date – Instead of letting all of your nervous energy bottle up, hit the gym and let it all out. This tactic helps to get rid of those first date jitters not only because it will help you relax, but it will also get your endorphins flowing creating a sense of confidence and happiness.
Have a glass of wine – Having one glass of wine will help your body relax a little before your date and put your mind at ease. However, it is not a good idea to show up to a date drunk, so just try to stick to one glass for now.
Put your date in the friend zone for the night Maria Sullivan
Put your date in the friend zone for the night – Telling yourself that you are just meeting up with a friend is a lot less nerve-wrecking than meeting a potential romantic interest for the first time. By friend zoning your date for the first date, it will help to reduce your anxiety and lower your fear of rejection.
Listen to your favorite upbeat music – Keeping yourself distracted before a date is a good way to help first date jitters because you won’t be over thinking everything that can go wrong. The best way to keep yourself distracted is to blast your favorite music. You will be too busy singing and dancing to overthink the night.
Just Breathe – When in doubt, breathe it out. If you can’t seem to get rid of your jitters, find a comfortable place to sit and breathe. Taking multiple deep breaths will help to relax your body and ease your mind. Breathe in calm, happy thoughts, and breathe out any tension and worry.
How to move on and get back into dating after a tough breakup?
Make sure you are feeling your best. Being absent from the dating scene for an extended period of time might have you feeling out of touch. Nothing is sexier than confidence, so make sure you take the time to refresh your wardrobe, practice yoga or workout, take new pictures for your online dating profiles and do whatever it takes to boost your self-esteem.
Get online. See what the internet has to offer. There are lots of different platforms that cater to different preferences, find what interests you and create a profile.
Maria Sullivan
Take things slow. Jumping straight back into dating after being in a relationship for a long time may be weird at first. Test the waters by starting conversations with multiple people. Once you feel you have gotten back into the swing of things, you can take the next step and meet for coffee or dinner.
How to keep the spark when you’re in a long term relationship / new parents and spending so much time at home during lockdown?
Plan a date night once a week! Whether it be in person or over video chat, date nights are important because it is good to spend quality time with just your partner, giving them your full attention. Daily schedules can get hectic and it might be difficult to have in-depth conversations with your S.O. regularly. By taking time once a week to devote a night just to spending time together and catching up, will help to keep and even strengthen your relationship.
What’s your number one tip for dating confidence?
As the famous saying goes, confidence is key. Participating in a virtual date can be a little scary because you might not know the other person that well, or it might be awkward talking through an electronic device. Being confident in yourself and believing the date will go well, will lead to a better outcome. Be yourself on the date, tell jokes, funny stories, etc. and show your date your true confident personality. Confidence is an attractive quality, especially during a potentially awkward setting such as a virtual date.
My top tip for dating confidence is to just be yourself. When getting to know someone on a date, don’t be afraid to let your true personality shine because you could be sitting in front of someone that you will spend the rest of your life with. If a person doesn’t like / connect with your personality, then they aren’t your match.
Meeting parents for the first time is always a big deal, any tips to calm the nerves and give the best of yourself?
Meeting parents for the first time is very nerve-wrecking, but just breathe and be yourself. Parents love when you ask questions and give them a sense of who you are. Even though it might be difficult, try to be as outgoing and as personable as you can. Really show them who you are.
What do you think dating will look like in the future? Will more people decide to stick to virtual dates before IRL dates do you think?
With virtual dating, you can connect with people all over the country and really see who is out thereMaria Sullivan
Virtual dating will add another normalized option of finding a partner. A lot of time, people are limited to who they meet because of where they live. With virtual dating, you can connect with people all over the country and really see who is out there, making finding your other half a little easier. Once, the COVID-19 outbreak dies down, people will be able to go out again and mingle, but a lot will still keep virtual dating in their back pocket just to keep all options open.
What are the absolute dos and don’ts of dating, particularly virtual dates?
Do look presentable – Even though you are probably sitting in your home for the date, still get dressed up and look your best. You want to show the person you are interested in that you care about the date and that you took time to get ready to talk to them
Don’t be in a loud crowded room – Find an empty quiet space where you can hear each other and won’t have outside distractions. You want to make sure your date has your full attention, just like if you were out at a restaurant.
Inspired by the lack of sex education she had growing up Rukiat made it her mission to educate the masses about sex education. She also focuses on beating the STIgmas, the pleasure gap, sexting and digital dating and intimacy...
First of all, how are you and how are you finding 2021 so far?
I am well, I can’t really complain because I’m grateful for my situation despite the pandemic. 2021 feels like 2020 part 2 though, especially because in the UK we are still in a national lockdown. I can’t wait for things to go back to normal because I love nightlife, the city, the loud music, the drinking and socialising. Hopefully, we will be able to do those things soon.
Can you talk us through your career online and how it’s evolved?
I started speaking about sex online in 2017 when me and two other girlfriends created a sexual wellness company for us to vent about bedroom inequality between straight women and men, and to document our sexual liberation journeys. From then on, my online presence started to grow and so I was being asked to speak at events, participate in panels and overall share my thoughts and opinions on sex.
Offline I also work in the charity sector, teaching sex education to young people. It was only last year that I realised how much of an interesting and unique take I had on sex ed, sexual wellness and even relationships based on how people responded to me. People would tell me how much insight they gained or how inspired they were. And so I stopped underestimating myself and began to believe in myself as a knowledgeable person in my field.
For those that don’t know what can people expect to learn from you online?
Everything when it comes to sex, I don’t hold back and never have. Some people might think it’s a bit too much but I am so desensitised to speaking so openly about sex, so I have no filter.
What inspired you to get into sex education?
The lack of sex education I had growing up inspired me. I had to learn the hard way about a lot of things such as STIs and consent, so I felt it was important to advocate for better sex education. Sex is a part of all of our lives, yet so little accurate information is given to us. I believe that everybody should be sex-positive, so I believe using my voice and platform will encourage this.
We’re completely with you on the journey to normalizing female pleasure, why do you think it’s so important that we keep talking about it?
I think it’s important that we keep talking about it because 1 in 5 women in the UK will experience sexual assault in their lifetime. There are many reasons as to why sexual assault happens, and many of the times women don’t even realise that they experienced rape or sexual assault until after they learned about consent, or how to define pleasure for themselves. Or the fact that sex isn’t something that should be done to them. That painful sex is not normal, and neither is not communicating your desires.
A lot of women don’t even know what gets them going, what turns them on, and end up depriving themselves of orgasms and of sex that is fulfilling and centres their pleasure.
Female pleasure has been demonised and suppressed for centuries and sex is incredibly heteronormative. A lot of women don’t even know what gets them going, what turns them on, and end up depriving themselves of orgasms and of sex that is fulfilling and centres their pleasure. Women cannot stand up for themselves in the bedroom unless they understand female pleasure first.
Can you tell us more about some of your workshops?
I’ve done a few workshops over the past two years on STI’s and beating the STIgmas, the pleasure gap, sexting and digital dating and intimacy! They have all been in collaboration with other brands/organisations but this year I plan to host a few on my own. My workshops are always informative, and I encourage people to bring a pen and notebook as the knowledge I provide is always insightful.
What would you say is your biggest achievement to date?
My biggest achievement to date is being nominated for an award twice for my work. In 2019 it was for the NAZ Noscars Media Award and in 2020 it was for SH:24 and Brook’s Sexual Health Awards. The category I was nominated for was Micro-Influencer, which I won. Being recognised for my efforts means so much and encourages me to keep going.
What are you currently working on?
I am working on a few collaborations and commissions which I cannot speak too much about. And I’m also planning workshops!
Who are some of your favourite fellow sex educators online?
My perfect weekend looks like not stepping outside once, catching up with my favourite TV shows, endless amounts of my favourite foods, lots of sleep and my favourite sex toys on deck!
If you could only eat one meal again what would it be?
It would be one of my favourite Nigerian dishes Amala and Ogbono soup. Or Eba and Egusi soup, yum.
If you could give one message to our followers what would it be?
Embrace your sexuality, define pleasure for yourself and think for yourself!
Whether you're seeking full-on Georgian drama and a well and truly snatched waist or simply a nod to trend with a lil' ruched satin detail, this week's team edit has it all.
Oh hi there, sorry we didn’t see you past our boobs being hoisted to high heaven thanks to IRL Bridgerton cosplay- 2021 is looking up! Regencycore is still going strong and its decadence is one that has transcended the high street. The likes of ASOS, & Other Stories and Zara have been flooded with endless corset-style variations, both in steamy underwear form as well as ready to wear tops that simply need a pair of killer jeans, heels and the Covid-19 pandemic to disappear. We can dream.
Corsets are well and truly here to stay in 2021, withfigures from Lyst showing searches for corsets to have spiked by 123 per cent since the show first aired in December. Whether you’re seeking full-on Georgian drama and a well and truly snatched waist (Kim K at the 2019 Met Gala we’re coming for you) or simply a nod to trend with a lil’ ruched satin detail, this week’s team edit has it all.
Zoe
This style certainly isn’t something in my comfort zone or anything I’ve ever dabbled in before so looking for something I’d be totally comfortable wearing within this trend was key! I found 3 items all varying in degrees of Bridgerton-esque style. First was this gorgeous spring summer white dress which I’d pair with a hat and sandals! I love how crisp and fresh it is.
Next, I liked this velvet style top, which I thought would be nice with some mom jeans or flares.
Lastly is a very stripped down corset-style sweater but still has structure in it. I thought this would be a nice nod whilst also not going too wild.
This outfit is giving me major Summer vibes when fingers crossed we will be able to socialise with friends more again! I love the corset trend and I think it’s super wearable for day and evening wear. I’ve gone for this lovely icy blue corset from Collusion, paired with baggy jeans and some Nike Air Force, it’s a super cute but casual look!
I am so here for all the Bridgeton inspired fashion that is popping up everywhere. Although, at nearly 9 months pregnant a corset is obviously not an option, come next summer I could definitely see myself embracing the trend. Reformation does some really gorgeous modern takes on regency styling, I love their simple dresses and corset tops that look super cool paired with some relaxed jeans and trainers.
Let’s get one thing straight, I am absolutely never wearing anything remotely like a corset in the comfort of my own home, this outfit is one for the first night out or first boozy brunch when we’re able to! I love this wine coloured corset with balloon sleeves and think it would look great with some slightly less formal jeans, with clack and gold accessories. I can’t wait to put an outfit together that more than one person will see!
In my head when I hear corset I think boob plumping, waist tightening red and black sexy clothes only to be worn in the bedroom. So I’m shocked to find out that these are actually daywear.
I’m manifesting being allowed to go to a pub again so I’ve gone for the classic ‘jeans and a nice top’ look ready to be on the wines. Added in some accessories to be the new chic me that I’ll be when we’re out of lockdown.
A sweetheart neckline is as close to corset styling I’m going to get because let’s face it, I rarely wear a bra and a corset screams BRA to me. As much as I’m here for Regencycore, I don’t need my boobs to be tethered to my lingerie, not now, not in lockdown. So, thank you but no thank you. As a subtle nod to the sultry under garm, I’ve gone for a ribbed jumper with a boudoir neckline, so I can team it with my tailored trousers, a blazer and sneakers and not give the DPD driver too much to talk about.
I’m not going to lie the thought of wearing a full-on corset about 12 months into only elasticated clothing feels a bit of a stretch (literally, the fabric will be bursting at the seams) but I LOVE this trend so I’m open to giving it a try. This look is something I’d be wearing if I was hitting the town and frequenting a trendy wine bar on the regular- the thought is almost laughable but I can SEE IT! Black feels very chic and that is an emotion I haven’t felt for a long time so this look feels v exciting. Also, this corset is like a micro hint at the trend because it really does look quite comfortable and non-restrictive, so maybe it will be okay after all!
The Self-Pleasure Starter Pack: Intimate Toys for Newcomers
Whether you’re in the market for a solo toy to level up your masturbation or looking for something kinky you can try with your partner, we’re here to make this a purely - pleasurable - shopping experience.
Have you ever heard the terms rabbit and bullet bandied around and thought, now there’s a duo I wouldn’t want to find anywhere near my vagina? Then hello and welcome, this is blog post that is entirely weighted in favour of your orgasms.
f you’re a self-pleasure fledgling, picking an intimate product can be as stressful as trying to pack your bags at an Aldi checkout.
If you’re a self-pleasure fledgling, picking an intimate product can be as stressful as trying to pack your bags at an Aldi checkout. But fear not first-timers, whether you’re in the market for a solo toy to level up your masturbation or looking for something kinky you can try with your partner, we’re here to make this a purely – pleasurable – shopping experience.
Without further ado, let’s get into our round up of sex toys for beginners – you’ll be buzzing like a cranky fridge in no time.
Endless Love
With 14 different uses and 100 vibration combos, the Endless Love toy is the gift that keeps on giving. The curved design and flexible arm provide endless lovemaking possibilities (clue’s in the name) and hours of exciting play whether using alone or together, on top, against, in, under or in-between. Your soul will leave your body in the best possible way. Be sure to download the Satisfyer Connect app to control your device, and use the extensive range of intimate experiments.
Let’s start with the sultry staples. If you own a clitoris, you’re gonna need a toy that greets your hooded heroine with nothing less than a royal reception of pulsations and vibrations. Small, sleek and practically soundless, The Surfer is bound to make waves in your boudoir. It’s a great compact entry point vibrator that eases you into your self-pleasure journey and looks right at home on your bedside table too. Glide it all over your erogenous zones, make it a body party why don’t you.
Although it’s designed for people with a penis, the humble cock ring is the ultimate couple’s toy, serving up pleasure for both parties. Worn on the shaft of the penis, it keeps your erection harder for longer by gently constricting the blood flow and offers clitoral stimulation during hetero intercourse. Featuring 3 speeds and 7 vibration patterns, you can customise your mutual pleasure with the simple touch of a button. Sharing is caring, people.
Is it a skipping rope? Is it a two-headed tadpole? You’ll be glad to hear it’s neither of those things. This intriguing bit of sex tech does it all. From clitoral stimulator to double ended dildo and prostrate massager – as intimate toys go, this one’s basically a contortionist ready to twist and bend to suit your needs. What a time to be alive.
Because why shouldn’t your pleasure products dress for the occasion? It’s been 12 long months since we dressed to the nines, so at least someone is making the effort round here and this tuxedo shall not be wasted on us. This Cute with a capital C Penguin stimulates the clitoris using Satisfyer’s revolutionary suction-like technology featuring 11 modes of intensity and a whisper-quiet mode for discreet downstairs action. Your housemates will be none the wiser.
No one wants to be shelling out the big bucks for their first experimental wand, nope. At this point, you’re probably looking for the appetiser or a side plate, not the kind of main that leaves you stuffed and unable to walk. Ahem. This sleek and powerful gadget offers 8 speeds and patterns in a travel-friendly size so you can take it with you wherever you go (not that we’re going anywhere these days!)
Who knew a radish could have us throbbing at the loin. There’s a first time for everything! All hail the glass dildo of dreams, the fairest of all the land – sleek, cute, aesthetically banging, it’s like Cinderella’s slipper on heat and we are now fully committed to getting our five a day, the fairytale way.
Ever feel like your whole vagina needs a hug from top to bottom? Enter ‘The Ballerina’. An expert in her field, she handles your intimate anatomy with all the grace and synchronised finesse of Tchaikovsky‘s Dance of the cygnets. The palm-sized toy cups the vulva in an intimate embrace and provides a unique velvety texture akin to a lover’s touch. Swan Lake has got nothing on this dancing queen.
The Satisfyer Love Triangle combines proven Air-Pulse Technology with deep vibrations to bring you to your personal pleasure pinnacle with ease. The sleek triangle shape with a lid makes this one of our more subtle selections, but we can guarantee your experience will be anything but subtle!
Between You And Me Answering Your Problems Part 13
This month we're tackling feuds with boys, pill troubles, hair loss, love triangles, masturbation and more. So keep reading to see what we had to say, you might just identify with one of our lovely readers yourself, and feel free to comment on this post if you have some advice you think is worth sharing too.
Welcome back to another instalment of our modern age agony aunt series Between You and Me. A chance for our audience to ask WWYD and we can give out our Millenial 2 cents free of charge!
This month we’re tackling feuds with boys, pill troubles, hair loss, love triangles, masturbation and more. So keep reading to see what we had to say, you might just identify with one of our lovely readers yourself, and feel free to comment on this post if you have some advice you think is worth sharing too.
If you’re in need of a bit of sisterly advice and you’d like to ask WWYD, email betweenyouandme@zoella.co.uk and we’ll do our best to come back with some solid life advice.
Lareese
Hello lovely! Well done for opening up about this. No doubt there will be plenty of people dealing with the pressure to explore their bodies by a certain point but honestly, there’s no expiration date on it. It can feel a lot like you’re falling behind in the race to grow up and experience all these things, especially when you hear friends talking about their adventurous sex lives and first-times. I think we all tend to build these things up to be a massive deal when it hasn’t happened to us yet and that’s probably where a lot of your apprehension is coming from. Masturbation feels best when you relax and get out of your head and into your body – easier said than done if the thought of exploring your body makes you feel tense. It sounds to me like inserting fingers just isn’t your thing! Did you know that 80% of women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex? The majority of women can’t come without clitoral stimulation – I for one don’t get anything out of jabbing myself with my fingers, so to answer your question – YES you’re totally normal and NO there’s nothing wrong with you. We’re all turned on in different ways and I think self-pleasure is definitely all about trial and error. You’ll find your groove with it and discover what makes you tick in your own good time. I recommend dabbling with intimate toys for beginners, something like a budget-friendly bullet vibrator to target clitoral stimulation might be just the thing you need. There’s so much more to self-pleasure than fingers and I have a hunch that you may need to explore those other beautiful ways to touch yourself and all your erogenous pleasure zones. Have fun exploring!
Danielle
Hello love! Thanks so much for writing in and being so brave about what you’re going through, it must feel really lonely and confusing, but please know there is NOTHING wrong with you. Sex and everything that surrounds it is just a preference, some people don’t like marmite or aren’t fussed about eating it, the same can be said for masturbating. There is a lot of societal pressure about what people should and shouldn’t be doing and when, but you need to go at your own pace, there’s no rush. I think Lareese has done an excellent job of telling you how you might get more enjoyment out of masturbating, and how to deal with trial and error with your own pleasure. On the other hand, I wonder if you’ve looked into asexuality and some of the terms surrounding it? We have an article coming on Monday (22nd Feb) where we’ve interviewed lots of people who identify as Asexual, Ace or Grey Ace and it’s far more complex than having no interest in sex at all. Some people still have romantic attraction and have or want to have a partner but are not interested in the intimate side of the relationship as it’s a large spectrum that you might find yourself on in some form or another. Regardless of whether any of that applies to you, I just want you to know there are lots of people out there who feel the same way as you and I think seeking them out online would definitely bring you some comfort. Good look on your journey!
Charlotte
Hi lovely! I’m so sorry you’re having a tricky time with this at the moment as I know how much appearance and the things outside of our control can impact self-esteem – it’s a horrible feeling to be battling so firstly I’m sending a big virtual hug.
I haven’t dealt with hair loss but I naturally have very fine hair so can absolutely relate to how disheartening it sometimes feels to look at others around you and compare. Issues like this can feel hard to talk about, but social media is a wonderful place for information, community and support and I’ve personally found a lot of solace in online accounts that help me deal with my own, hard to talk about struggles. I’ve seen a lot of conversation about thinning hair on TikTok actually, and a simple search of ‘thin hair’ on the app brings up thousands of videos and accounts with tips, support, wig advice and general positivity that might help you feel a little more seen and heard.
I can totally relate to the idea of working on yourself in one sense but then achieving that goal and then having to deal with your next appearance-related hangup. Without diminishing how you’re feeling in regards to your hair, maybe take a moment to consider if you’ll ever feel 100% happy with your appearance and that maybe if that issue was resolved your brain might move its thinking onto another part of your looks. Chasing the end goal of ‘confidence’ means the parameters can often be muddied and I would hate for you to be on an endless quest that none of us really ever fulfil.
In terms of some tangible things I think could help with your hair worries, I know lots of people that rave about the Multi-Peptide Serum for Hair Density from The Ordinary which is around £15 so might be an affordable option worth trying. I don’t think you need to necessarily shave your head to experiment with wigs either! Again my TikTok obsession has shown me how much people wear wigs and most of those women have tips and tricks for incorporating their natural hair or tucking it away that look really seamless and realistic. Halo hairpieces, in particular, look amazing and incredibly natural so that could be a great option for you!
I know when your confidence is knocked everything surrounding that issue can feel really overwhelming, so I’m sending lots of love and light your way. You’re absolutely not alone in this struggle and I hope you can maybe step into a journey of appreciating your wonderful self, thin or thick hair aside.
xxx
Darcey
Hey anon!
I just want to start off by saying I am really sorry you are going through this, losing your hair can be really traumatic and makes you feel super out of control of your own body. Especially frustrating too when people say, “it’s only hair!” eye roll.
I think personally the best thing to do (if you haven’t already) is to go to your GP for a check-up, as it’s best knowing why this is happening, so you can find some sort of solution to the problem. I also saw that you said you recently lost 10kg, sometimes weight loss, especially if it is in a short amount of time, can cause hair loss. You potentially might not be nourishing your body enough, this can send your body into a bit of a shock mode, which can make your follicles inactive which causes the hair to fall out. Of course, I am not a doctor and you may have already explored this avenue, but if you haven’t, I think speaking to a doctor about this is really important.
I want to add too that stress can also cause hair thinning and loss and we are currently living in a very stressful time with the pandemic. I lost virtually all my eyebrows in my final year of university due to stress, and although I can’t fully compare it to your situation, I remember feeling extremely stressed by it, which probably made the hair fall out more! What I had to keep reminding myself, was that hair grows back in most cases, so once I knew it was due to stress, I was more confident of it returning. That’s why speaking to a GP is so important, so you know exactly what you are dealing with.
One thing that worked wonders for me was castor oil, I applied it to my eyebrows every day consistently for a year (want to note that eyebrow regrowth is MUCH longer than from your scalp, hair regrowth for you should be quicker) and my eyebrows are now back too normal!
But lastly, I want to say that although this hair loss feels extremely stressful at the moment, it will get better. There are so many ways you can cover the hair loss, with hats, wigs, etc. But moving forward try and regain your self-confidence, you are beautiful with the hair loss, or without it. We are so much more than the exterior. Things will get better.
Danielle
I’m diving STRAIGHT into this one and telling you to call him up and ask him who the actual F he thinks he is! He sounds like a real selfish asshole who was quite happy to be your friend, then friends with benefits, and now what? Because that’s not how friends treat each other regardless of gender or past sexual encounters. Living in your room is a HUGE breach of your trust and boundaries, then on top of that, you add the reason he’s there which is because he’s been a terrible friend to his supposed best friend, THEN you find out he’s bringing back other girls there. I’m fuming for you! I’m semi glazing over the fact that you kind of have feelings for him and you’re hurt that he seems to have moved on, but let’s be honest with each other and say you may have dodged a bullet here as he seems like the worst kind of guy. I would make some basic demands when you speak to him which are: Vacate my room and never step foot in there again unless invited, apologise to you profusely and realise how shitty his actions are, go away and think about what kind of person he’s turning into by betraying not one, but two of his close friends, for heaven’s sake is sleeping with girls that much more important to him? During a bloody pandemmie none the less!! You’re probably better off without this guy in your life or at the most keep him at arms distance and move on romantically as quick as you can!
Darcey
Hey anon!
Let’s start off with the facts, he has zero respect for you or anyone it seems! I would quite simply call him, tell him to get out of your room ASAP and block that boy. No one needs to be dealing with that, like bringing back girls to your room in the middle of a global pandemic? When he knows you like him? The AUDACITY. The fact he could sleep with his best friends’ girlfriend, just shows you the type of person he is. Quite frankly, you have dodged a massive bullet. Because whether you stayed friends or were in a relationship, he was going to disrespect you again at some point.
It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. He also needs to grow up and confront the shitstorm he has created (I’m assuming back in his own flat) and face up to his ‘best friend’ about sleeping with his girlfriend. Instead, he is dragging you into it by staying in your room, not the drama you need right now, he’s absolutely no friend. He owes you a massive apology, although by the sounds of how he behaves, you probably won’t get one. He sounds like a narcissist to me, he’s probably blissfully unaware of all his wrongdoings.
I know when you like someone it’s quite hard to see their bad and not compare it to the good, but advice from a gal who also liked a guy with narcissistic tendencies, it just cannot work. Because they will never see things from your point of view, they will make you feel small, it’s just not worth it! I say get him out that room and out your life, thank u, NEXT!
Danielle
This is such a great problem to write in with because I’m sure I’ve been in your shoes and people rarely like to admit that they’re the ‘other woman’ even if you haven’t actually done anything more than be friends with said guy. I feel like you’ve got quite a good grip on the situation already by saying – you know it’s not good for you, and also asking the right questions – Am I only feeling this way because I can’t have him? Possibly! You might start something up and realise it’s not what you thought it would be. Is he only flirting because he’s bored of his long term relationship? Possibly! Maybe he likes the attention from you but has no intentions of splitting up with his gf. It’s really hard to answer hypotheticals especially when you think you really like someone. I know you keep comparing other people to him but I think when you find the right person, and you haven’t spoken to the guy with a gf for a while you’ll be able to move on and be happy. You’ve got a couple of options of things you can do – fizzle out the chats with him and try and move on as best you can, or, shoot your shot, tell him how you feel and ask if he feels the same way, and then you’ll have your answer, but it might not be the one you want, and if it is it might not end well. Personally, I’d go with the first option, and as you correctly put it – if it’s meant to be it’ll be.
Maddie
Hey Anon, thanks so much for writing in with your dilemma. It’s messages like this we get where I wish I could know more so I could give a more in-depth response. Has there been any physical contact? When you say flirty is it in the vein of compliments and playful touch or is it more friendly and jokey? From the sounds of your message, it sounds quite innocent and friendly so far and it could just be his personality to be that way. That being said if I put myself in his long term girlfriends shoes (shoes I have found myself in past relationships) then I could definitely see how it’s starting to feel like a triangle is forming which would be incredibly hurtful and damaging to her and indeed their relationship. If I’m being brutally honest, if you’re finding it too hard to just be friends with him, I do think you should cut ties. If you’re developing feelings and you feel like they are being reciprocated then he is effectively emotionally cheating on his girlfriend which I think gives a really big insight into where his morals and ethics stand. Again if I’m being frank, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. I know there are often complications and hurdles when it comes to relationships but sometimes it really is that black and white and you deserve to be with someone that only wants to be with you. I do agree with your last sentiment, timing is everything and if his current relationship doesn’t work out then there’s no reason you couldn’t explore something more in the future but I don’t think it’s fair on you to wait around for someone who is already in a seemingly committed long term relationship. All the best and thanks again for writing in. x
Holly
Hello love,
I have so many mixed emotions about this, I can only imagine how confused you must be feeling. It’s such a hard time to go through a break up anyway, let alone a messy one. There’s no distractions!
Let me start by saying that absolutely anything you do to help yourself heal after a break up is not ‘mean’ or selfish. You absolutely have to put yourself first and listen to that advice you have no doubt been giving your friends for the past 10 years. This sounds like a cut him out of your life situation to me. I know that’s easier said than done but if it helps, it doesn’t have to be permanent.
I have ex’s that I’m now really good friends with and ex’s that I never spoke to again. But every single one I have taken a substantial break from after we broke up. Gives you time to learn about yourself and evaluate what the added to your life.
The sooner you let go, the sooner you’ll heal. It’ll be shitty for a long time but in the long run you’ll be so much better off. You deserve someone who wants to make you feel incredible and gives you the world. Know your worth.
It is also completely normal to be jealous of the new girl, especially if he’s still talking to you. You’re probably still hoping there is a chance you’ll get back together. But I think you should let him be her problem now.
Know your worth!
Sending you so much love,
Holly xx
Maddie
Hey! Thanks for writing to us and sorry to hear you’re going through this, being cheated on is absolutely awful. Let me start by saying that I’m going to speak to you like I would speak to my past 24yr old self and give you advice that I wish I had listened to at the time. To put it into context I was repeatedly messed around by the same boy for the most part of my early 20s (cheated on, lied to, gaslighted you name it) so I can completely relate to how you’re feeling. To be blunt, this boy does not deserve your friendship, trust or anything else from you. He is having his cake and eating it too, it’s not right what he’s doing and all you can try and do in this situation is be strong and walk away. I know it’s incredibly hard when there are feelings involved but I assure you it’s for the best in the long run and you will look back at the situation and realise you’ve had a lucky escape. I’m not saying you could never be friends but honestly, it doesn’t sound like he has much respect for women so think about why you would want to be friends with someone like that. I hope this helps and has made you realise that you deserve SO much better than how you’ve been treated. Not all men are like this so block the boy and don’t look back. All the best lovely x
Holly
Hello love,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling a bit at the moment. I feel your pain, socially distant walking dates are not the one. There’s nothing to do but…talk! I find it really awkward and actually quite enjoyable. I think I’m going to take some time out to focus on myself at the moment. I’m a strong believer that things happen when they’re meant too. If you try and force a relationship you’ll end up settling and it will never work out in the future. Maybe try out some new things (when we’re allowed to) and meet new people, with the intention of just making some new friends but if anything more happens, great!
As hard as it is, I think it’s a good thing that this guy you went on a date with was honest. Did he say why he wasn’t feeling it? If you have the opportunity to, I would ask so you know if it’s something you could work on. Or, it might be something you wholeheartedly disagree with and wouldn’t compromise to be in a relationship. Either way, you learn something about yourself and about the kind of person you want to be with.
As far as not liking how you look, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like that. I know what it feels like to be self-conscious but the person you end up with will love you for exactly who you are. I’m willing to bet you’re pretty perfect in a lot of peoples eyes, even if you don’t see it yourself. Make sure you’re following positive, likeminded people on Instagram. I recently did a whole sweep and unfollowed everyone that didn’t bring me joy when I see their posts and it’s helped me to no end.
Bottom line is that relationships aren’t the be-all and end-all. Focus on the other areas of your life that bring you happiness, friends, family, good music, fresh air etc. Your time will come and you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince or princess!
Darcey
Hey anon!
Modern dating is a bloody minefield, especially when you add a pandemic into the mix! Being rejected can really hurt, when I first started using dating apps, I found it quite hard when someone ghosted me or I chatted to someone for a while, for them to turn around and say they aren’t interested. Shifting my mindset towards dating really helped me feel less blue when a potential romantic relationship didn’t work out.
Firstly, it’s not “will they like me”, its “will I like them”. See every first date like an interview, like you are Simon Cowell, and they are auditioning for the X-Factor. Secondly, if you do like them, but they don’t like you and decide to cut things off, be grateful you didn’t waste a second longer on the wrong person. Thirdly, attraction is SO much more than your appearance. So please don’t think that because someone has decided to cut things off, means it must be to do with your appearance. Attraction is all about how someone makes you feel, your similarities, how well conversation flows. There are so many factors to consider, so if someone rejects you, it can be for any reason. But the right person, will love every part of you, and that’s what we are looking for! The right person!
I don’t blame you for feeling fed up with dating at the moment, it’s not the usual fun (mostly ha) dating experience of going for a nice meal and drinks due to Covid. Maybe if you are feeling a bit down about it, take a step back from dating for a few months. In a few months restaurants etc might be open too, so the experience is overall more enjoyable and you can start dating again with a fresh mindset.
Lareese
Hey lovely! Going on and coming off the pill is always a bit of a wild and bumpy ride, isn’t it? I don’t think there’s one size fits all and it certainly takes a bit of trial and error to figure out what suits you. I was on the oldest and cheapest pill of the lot (Microgynon) for a good 14 year stretch without a break and I came off it just over a year ago after feeling like I wanted to get to know my body again. I’d forgotten what a natural period felt like and I just wanted to be hormone-free after being on contraception for so long. Apart from throbbing boob ache for a couple of weeks, my transition was relatively painless which was a relief because I was fully prepared for it to be hellish having been on it for so long.
With everything going on at the moment, it’s difficult to know whether your panic attacks and anxiety were directly linked to taking the pill or perhaps your mental health has just taken a hit because of the last 12 months of uncertainty – it could certainly be a combination of the two. Is there anything else going on in your life that could be making you feel anxious, perhaps? I know you mentioned you’re not normally an anxious person but I think we can absorb a lot of negative energy subconsciously (even more so over the last year) which could be impacting your mental health.
I wouldn’t completely rule out taking the pill if it worked for you in the first instance but I think having a chat with your sexual health nurse / GP is a good idea so you can discuss your concerns and consider other options. It’s worth keeping a little log of all your side effects and mentioning your anxiety and changes to your skin so you can be ready to pinpoint exactly what happened and when. The more you can tell them, the better your chances of finding a pill or another form of contraception that suits you. As you have experienced before, taking a new pill can be a tad unpredictable and things can take a few months to settle down but if this isn’t the case, don’t hesitate to go straight back to your GP. The pill can be great for regulating your periods, easing cramps and reducing acne but it’s not for everyone and it’s certainly not worth taking something that could be compromising your physical and mental wellbeing.
Although my experience coming off the pill was pretty drama-free, I have friends who have felt like they were losing their minds, so you’re definitely not an anomaly. Good luck with exploring other options my love – always push for what you need from your GP xx
Charlotte
Hello! Ahh the many trials and tribulations of finding contraception that works for you- it can be exhausting and I think almost everyone goes through this uncertainty period so it’s absolutely normal to be feeling conflicted.
I’ve been taking the pill for 6 years now, and for the first 12 months I was prescribed Dianette, a type of the combined pill with a 7 day break each month, primarily for contraception but also to help with acne and oiliness. I eventually had to stop taking the combined pill as I was having problems with migraines and vision impairment (both of which I had experienced on and off during my teenage years so was never 100% sure it was down to the pill) but this is a big red flag for doctors regarding the specific hormone that’s in the combined pill. Following that and for the past 5 years I have been taking Cerelle which is a form of mini pill which I take continuously with no break, and thankfully I have been lucky and had a very smooth experience! It has also stopped my periods completely during this time which has been great as I always had very painful periods, and in recent years developed a pelvic pain condition so not having to bleed every month if I don’t need to is such a benefit I’ve found in the mini pill.
I was really reluctant to change from the combined pill originally as I felt it had a lot of benefits, but actually if I hadn’t had that slightly rocky experience I would still be having periods every month and wouldn’t have tried out the mini pill at all. I think trial and error and being open to things not going smoothly to begin with is really important in deciding upon a contraception route. Your daily intimate health is so, so personal and crucial to your happiness and quality of life so don’t feel despondent if you’ve hit a couple of walls so far. If hormonal contraception isn’t ticking your boxes then there are other options that you could consider, and this article from Clue is really great at breaking them down! https://helloclue.com/articles/sex/nonhormonal-birth-control-options
There seems to be lots of conversations happening at the moment surrounding the pill and I hear all the time of friends ditching it for good because of side effects and wanting to experience adult life as a woman without added hormones and just to let their bodies be for a while. I know Lottie of The Tummy Diaries has spoken a bit about this recently so it might be worth giving her a follow! https://www.instagram.com/p/CLaF6nTnRNa/
Best of luck and please know you will find your groove with this eventually!
Enter: 2021's most noteworthy interiors trends. Sage everything, whimsical cottagecore, effortless Japandi style and faithful home offices are where it's at for both small and mighty renovations that can transform your space quicker than you can say ready, steady, 'add to cart'.
Our humble homes, whether we love them or hate them at this point, have seen us through a lot in the past 12 months. But as much as we’ve learnt to utilise our spaces for work, rest, play and the many, many lockdown emotions in between, staring at the same four walls on repeat (and then some) might mean an interiors update is well and truly justifiable- hellooo incoming haul.
Enter: 2021’s most noteworthy interiors trends. Sage everything, whimsical cottagecore, effortless Japandi style and faithful home offices are where it’s at for both small and mighty renovations that can transform your space quicker than you can say ready, steady, ‘add to cart’.
The need to know …
Sage is the new neutral! This light green hue is popping up everywhere in 2021, and its versatility and calming nature are two of the reasons it’s a sure-fire win when it comes to the home.
Sage is the new neutral! This light green hue is popping up everywhere in 2021, and its versatility and calming nature are two of the reasons it’s a sure-fire win when it comes to the home. Adding depth, interest and a nod of modern elegance, sage is a colour that works universally in modern, traditional and minimal homes. Go subtle with sage soft furnishings or make a soothing statement with paint or panelling and feel confident that this subtle but stunning hue is here to stay.
Next up: Cottagecore. TikTok accelerated this whimsical trend in 2020 and it’s here to stay this year too, as the Internet’s latest spin on rustic reverie. In many ways Cottagecore is a lifestyle as much as it is a trend, embodying simple, idyllic living that embraces nature and femininity, but there are a few simple ways of bringing this trend into the home that can give you your own slice of hazy homeware. Think farmhouse living, the English Cotswolds, faded florals, the combination of old and new and bringing the outside in. It’s Taylor Swift’s ethereal Folklore brought to life and we cannot get enough.
We love a blend of trends that tick multiple boxes in one, and Japandi living does just that. Combining the cosiness of Scandi hygge and the minimal serenity of Japanese interiors, this trend is one that thrives in 2021 as we continue to seek comfort from our homes. Both the Eastern and Western influences here focus on minimalist warmth and practicality, making this zen take on home living one we can all benefit from. Think clean lines, natural light woods, quality driven materials, elegance and cleansing house plants. It’s the ultimate trend fusion to embody calmness in the home, and goodness do we need it!
If a full-on interiors makeover is out of the question, changing one statement piece in a room can give your home big results but with minimal effort, and who doesn’t want that, especially in the bedroom department.
If a full-on interiors makeover is out of the question, changing one statement piece in a room can give your home big results but with minimal effort, and who doesn’t want that, especially in the bedroom department. Statement headboards can be transformative and shape the mood and feeling of a bedroom, with natural rattan, cosy velvet and elegant cotton canopies each offering a different je ne sais quoi to your boudoir.
And finally, we’re still out here talking about the humble home office. The makeshift meeting rooms and clutter shoved just out of view of your webcam might have seen you through the start of the pandemic, but to keep your mental health and productivity in check, nailing this setup is essential. Everyone has their workspace preferences, but a combination of calm, comfort and inspiration make for a foolproof space that can keep you motivated along with a morning coffee and killer Spotify playlist.
2020 made us hyperaware of the importance of having a home that truly feels like one, and as we continue to spend more time in our protective spaces, there’s never been a better time to refresh and revitalise your sanctuary.
There really isn’t much some fresh bedding and a cuppa in a calming space can’t fix.
