Between You And Me: Answering Your Problems Part 3

Reading this I could feel the uncertainty that must be bubbling away in you. This sounds like a classic case of mis-communication, or just simply, no communication. I totally understand how strange this must all be, and the fact that you haven’t all properly talked about it and it’s all been left a bit “up in the air” is probably creating tension and uneasy feeling between you all. Since you also can’t be there, it must be even harder. Tone is often hard to read when you can only rely on messaging so I definitely think you need to jump on a face time or video call with your friend and be really honest about how you feel. She will definitely have her reasons why she felt it best you weren’t to spend lockdown with them, and I hope it was discussed at length with your boyfriend, although I definitely feel that a conversation with all three of you was probably necessary before making any plans. I think both being totally honest with each other is the best way to release that uneasy feeling. It’s difficult enough that you can’t spend time with your boyfriend and we are facing a pandemic, let alone having this floating above all your heads too! It sounds like both your friend and your boyfriend mean an awful lot to you, and I always think if something is eating away at you, it should always be addressed, you’ll never move forward otherwise. When all this is over, you’ll want to be able to hop to London and embrace both with open arms!! x

Hello! It can be heart breaking seeing your friend in a relationship which you don’t think is right for them. Especially when you know that they are being mistreated, you feel powerless and all you want to do is make them realise their worth. But, unfortunately, you won’t be the one to change their mind, only they can figure that out themselves.

I know that can be so hard to deal with and you are probably wondering why they can’t see how toxic the relationship is and why they would even want to be with someone who treats them so badly. I think the reality is, they know how bad the relationship is, but like you said they are scared to be alone and scared to lose just that tiny bit of security they have with this person.

But what they really need, is a friend who will stand by them and it sounds like they have that with you. I know at times you will probably be frustrated with your friend, as it’s difficult to see someone you love be hurt so much. But the best thing you can do, is to just be there when she needs you, try and keep your friendship as normal as possible. Don’t speak too badly of her boyfriend, you don’t want to push her more towards him which will happen if she feels like you hate him, as she is currently unwilling to give him up and will try to defend his behaviour.

Just keep reminding her of how strong she is, how great she is, what an amazing person she is and hopefully at some point it will all click for her and she will realise she deserves so much better.

The fact you even wrote in for advice shows how much you care, and your friend truly is lucky to have someone like you in their life. You are doing the best you can in such a tricky situation, so keep doing what you are doing. One day I’m sure she probably will leave him, realising that actually that relationship isn’t what she wants or deserves, so be patient with her.

I hope this can help you in some way!

Darcey x

Hello Anon, firstly, what an incredible friend you are to be worrying about your bestie in this way and reaching out for advice. As someone on the other side of this, who has previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship it is extremely hard to see it from an outside perspective because you’re so far “in it” (it’s exactly what emotional manipulation does to someone). I would always fill people in on the awful things my ex would do, or the countless times he’d let me down or the constant arguments and I’m pretty sure it drove the people around me who cared about me, absolutely mad with worry and frustration. It got to the point where I felt like I needed to stop talking about him, because then I’d find myself defending him, or making excuses and I hated that people around me didn’t like him. Which of course made it worse.
Sadly, no matter what you say to your best friend, no matter how frustrated you get, or sad you are that she’s allowing someone to treat her this way, only SHE will choose the right time to leave. It’s so tough just to stand by and wait for the realisation to sink in, but it will. It might take a while, it might take the worst argument she’s ever had and a lot of tears, but one day she will realise her worth and move on, and when that day happens, she will wish she’d done it sooner. All you can do is be by her side, fighting her corner and reminding her just how wonderful she is and how she deserves the world. Give her the emotional support she is lacking in her relationship and continue to spend time with her where you don’t just talk about him. The last thing you want is for this to affect your friendship. Also remind her that she’s still so young, maybe she feels like she has to have her life together and have a long-lasting relationship (pretty sure I did at 20 too) but you don’t. You’re still trying to navigate your way into new adulthood, find a career path, solidify friendships and there is SO MUCH ahead of you.

If anyone is reading this right now that is in a manipulative relationship, a relationship where you’re totally and utterly consumed with waiting for the next argument, or that awful feeling of “what did I do wrong this time?” or “I better not do that in case…”, please just know, it will very likely NEVER get better. They almost DEFINITELY won’t change. You’re completely wasting your time and you do not deserve a life like that, especially not with that person. I promise you will be happy eventually, you don’t need this person and you are worth more than this. I wish I had ended my relationship sooner than I did, so if this helps you in some way, or is the little bit of reassurance you needed, I hope it helps! Life is too damn short to be spending it with anyone who makes you feel less than you are. And you my dear, are EXCEPTIONAL. (don’t you forget it).

Hmm! There’s a few red flags here, but I think if he’s as open and caring as you’d hope a long term boyfriend to be then the conversation around this shouldn’t be a big issue for him. Sex is such a personal thing, and a lot of what we know and how we’re intimate with our partner largely comes from experience and what we know feel goods. Perhaps in previous relationships your boyfriend has taken a more dominant role and is struggling to see how you could fulfil this without him feeling inferior? Whatever the reasons behind his resistance, it’s no excuse for making you question your worth sexually and at the mercy of his decisions, period.

Next time you’re feeling that certain type of way (winking emoji), try and initiate some alone time together and have your conversation prompts ready to go. Ask if there’s a reason he’s not comfortable in a sexual environment when you’re in charge, and explain that you’d love for the dynamic to change every once in a while so you’re both sexually fulfilled and comfortable. Emphasise how important it is for you to to feel more free in your sex life and how fun it could be to switch things up and let you take the lead- both for you, and him! Perhaps it’s time to change the format entirely and throw caution to the wind in turning your normal routines on their head. That could mean ordering some new toys, suggesting a steamy shower together or giving some new positions a whirl- however you and he feel comfortable experimenting so things are fresh and fun for you both.

Ultimately, you’re 100000% within your rights to be frustrated and concerned about this. Sex is only fulfilling when both people feel equal and respected, and I hope he understands how damaging it may be to continue in a set up that makes you feel dismissed. Take note of his reaction- his willingness to change and make you feel included is a big reflection on him as a partner.

Sending love!
Charlotte
x

This is such an interesting issue and I’m so pleased you’ve written in! There are definitely some questions I would ask yourself if you’re thinking generally about your relationship, firstly is this the only area in which he controls your relationship, and is ‘control’ a theme you see crop up a lot, as it can so often appear in many forms and it’s obviously a serious thing to look out for.

If the answer remains the same as your query and it’s just within sexual relations that you feel he takes the lead then there could be many different reasons for this that you should consider before having ‘the chat’.
We talk a lot about maturity within men but there are many types of maturity like financially, emotionally, and in this case sexually. Perhaps your S/O isn’t as confident and mature sexually which leads him to overcompensate and control things in the bedroom?
Secondly, has he ever mentioned or asked how much you enjoy your sex life, whether you’re able to climax or how you like things done? If the answer is no this would definitely make me think that he’s not as confident as he may come off.
Having chats like this is always going to be tricky so maybe make some changes in your behaviour when having sex and try to be as communicative as possible at the time to give him a chance, tell him what feels good/doesn’t feel good. Tell him which position you’d like to do and keep feedback going. If he finishes first and you’d like to keep going let him know and be firm.
If you don’t see some kind of positive reaction from trying that on a few occasions it’s definitely time for ‘the chat’. Be honest, be firm, and ask open questions that he can’t just say yes or no to. Get him when he won’t be distracted and make sure he respects you enough to stay for the conversation and work it out. Godspeed!

First of all, thank you for all the incredible work you’re doing to protect other vulnerable people during this time. We owe our lives to people like you! Concern and anxiety about the coronavirus is perfectly normal – there’s no right or wrong way to feel at a time like this, we’re all just doing our best to comprehend it. Of course you’re going to find this challenging, you’re only human. I think the first step is acknowledging your anxiety, which is exactly what you’ve done. You know why you’re feeling anxious, now it’s about doing things to help manage it. What coping mechanisms have worked for you previously when you’ve been feeling particularly anxious? Try to focus on the things you can control such as your routine, who you speak to for support, getting enough sleep, limiting how much news you listen to and doing things you enjoy. You can’t control what hasn’t yet happened, but you can control the present. Look after your mind and your body, try some relaxation techniques and stay connected with your loved ones so that you can vocalise your concerns and get the reassurance you need. Schedule video calls with your family to ease your anxiety and distract your mind for a while. When we’re feeling anxious, we might also withdraw from conversation and picking up the phone can feel pretty daunting but that face to face interaction is so important for looking after your mental health and to remind you that you’re not alone in all this! It might benefit you to talk to your co-workers too as they’ll understand exactly what you’re going through and share the same concerns. Why not have a debrief after each shift, what was difficult? What worked well? Check in on your team. Focus on the recovery rate rather than information surrounding lack of PPE and front line deaths. The news can be overwhelming, so do what you can to concentrate on the positive stories. In terms of practical measures, you could try putting your uniform in a pillow case whilst at work and popping it straight in the washing machine, avoid communal areas of your home until you’ve showered and use separate dinnerware and cutlery from your partner and wash them separately to reduce risk. Whilst it’s scary to think about self-isolating away from your partner, being proactive and making a contingency plan for that eventuality might make you feel more in control of the situation, should it happen. Also, remember, you’re a trained professional, you’ve got this!

Hi there, thank you so much for writing in and of course for your help working in care in the current climate and always! Everyone in the country is rallying behind each and every one of you and even though it’s your duty it is still incredibly brave.

This pandemic is enough to make anyone anxious let alone someone who already suffers from anxiety so I can only imagine how hard this must be.

The important thing is to work on things you can control, speaking to friends and family, getting your exercise in, eating well and getting the sleep you need will all help with feelings of anxiety and will keep you from spinning out of control.
You can control how well you disinfect yourself when returning home from work and make sure you’re doing everything you can to stop from spreading the virus on to your partner.
The thought of getting sick would worry me too especially if I had to stay in a foreign place, but there’s no point in worrying about something that might not happen as I’m sure if the time ever came you’d surprise yourself at how strong you are and how you’ll be able to battle through things you never thought were possible. It’s important to concentrate on the vast amount of people that have recovered and try not to pay too much attention to the death toll/rate. We’re all in this together so lean on your friends and partner where you can 🙂

I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is never easy but to lose a younger sibling, someone you would have been so close to your whole life is devastating so my heart truly goes out to you and I’m sending the biggest virtual hug. Firstly I think it’s important to say that after just 2 months it’s completely normal to still be “dealing with it” and to be struggling with the grief and loss. I myself am terrified of death and losing people I love, even though it’s a completely natural part of life it’s one I have struggled with myself in the past and can completely relate to. My Mum lost her Mum too young and I asked her recently how she copes with it. She told me that you do eventually find peace with time, the grief will always be with you in one way or another but it does get lighter as time goes on, and that’s ok. I still have moments when I think of people I’ve lost whether that’s 5 years ago or 25 years ago and it still makes me sad but that stinging pain has gone, that ache that used to be there every time I saw a picture or watched a home movie and I really hope for you that eventually you find that sense of acceptance. For now just make sure that you’re not bottling up your feelings, lean on the people you’re with right now and if you’re not with your family make sure you’re calling them as much as possible so that you feel connected to them during this time. Be kind to yourself and please remember to reach out to the people you love for support while you’re going though this. Sending lots of love to you and your family.

I’m so sorry for your huge loss. Your grief is still incredibly raw and probably your every waking thought right now. If I’ve learned anything about grief it’s that it’s not a one size fits all linear experience, it’s a messy, inconsistent thing that can rise up at the most unexpected of times but one thing that is undeniable in everyone’s grief is love. It’s something that death doesn’t get to have. When I lost my nan, the thing I found hardest was knowing what to do with all the love I still had for her. I didn’t know what to do with it or where to put it. You lost your brother two very short months ago, be gentle with yourself. Grief doesn’t have a finish line, rather you sort of find your pace with it and learn to carry on running with it in a manageable way. It sounds like a bit prosaic but the best thing you can do is to talk about your grief; give it a voice, share it and keep talking about your brother. A lot of people are frightened to talk to people about the death of a loved one or don’t know how to approach the conversation but by talking about it, we normalise death and we have a safe space to vocalise our loss and indeed our love for that person – that’s so important! Share your stories with your friends, continue saying his name, talk to your loved ones about the loving memories you have together, play the songs that remind you of him and cry your heart out. It’s ok! No one could ever expect you to be ‘coping’ with this. Learning to live with loss is a deeply personal experience but others can be there to help you navigate it if you’ll let them in. Most importantly, let yourself fall apart. Internalising how you feel won’t serve you and you’re healing. You’re going through a bereavement, you’re going to have days where you feel a bit stronger, when you can laugh or roll your eyes at something he did or said and you’ll have days when your grief is all consuming. It might help to write your feelings down every day in a journal, that way you can acknowledge your pain. Or, you could write a letter to your brother, it might enable you to feel connected to him and to make sense of your emotions. There’s no wrong or right way to grieve and no timetable for it either. Grieve in your own way and heal in your own way, too. Don’t hesitate to seek help from a support group or grief counsellor if you need further help working through painful and complicated emotions. Sending you lots of love at this difficult time.

Hi! Firstly I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your mental health at the moment, but hope you can find some solace in knowing you’re 100% not alone in this- so many of us are experiencing feelings of panic, worry and fear which is totally rational in such an unusual time.

I’m wondering what type of anxiety it is you’re suffering with? If it’s specifically related to health then I want to reassure you in saying that this period of vulnerability will not last forever. When we’re eventually allowed outside to socialise with our loved ones, the risk of illness will be so much lower. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that the health of you and those around you will have been greatly considered before the decision is made for us to integrate again. But also! There is no rush to return to ‘normal’ life straight away- if it takes you a few days or weeks to start seeing friends or making long trips out of the house, then that’s okay! What this time has taught me more than ever is the importance of listening to my body and understanding the cues it gives me.

If it’s social anxiety or the pressure to live your ‘best life’ once this is all over, then I 100% sympathise with those worries. I think the most important thing to remember when that day comes is that everyone’s version of celebration, reintegration and socialising will be so different. If possible I’d avoid social media during that period to remove any anxieties around FOMO and comparison, as it will be so easy to be swept up into the idea of a perfect new reality. Whilst we might be imagining the fireworks, nights out and brunches galore, chances are the restrictions will be lifted little by little, and there won’t be a flick of the switch moment in which we all rush into public spaces and surround ourselves with others. Hopefully the gradual process will feel more manageable than the pressure for the ‘perfect’ post isolation life.

Perhaps consider keeping a thought or anxiety diary and jotting down the moments when you feel to be struggling most and see if there’s any correlation between those difficult patches. I think self awareness and keeping yourself in check are so helpful when it comes to managing mental health, and it seems like you know yourself pretty well, so you’re halfway there already!

Sending lots of love and (non germy) hugs your way.
Charlotte x

Hello! I’m really sorry you are feeling so anxious at this time and worried about the future too, it sounds like you have a lot of different thoughts buzzing around your head right now which can be so stressful. Anxiety can be so difficult to deal with at the best of times, so right now I think it’s only inevitable that it would be heightened and it’s just finding a way to deal with these emotions.

This is a really tricky time for everyone, and I know for sure you aren’t the only one having these worries and fears about life after this is all over. So, remember, there is always someone you can turn to if you feel like you need someone to talk to. Even if you don’t feel confident talking to friends or family, there are so many helplines out there which you can call and talk to a complete stranger and just let everything out. It’s really worth a shot if you find yourself struggling at points to clear your thoughts from worry.

Please just remember that there is no rush to go back to normal life after all this, I truly believe it will take time for many of us to transition back as we all had such a large shift in our normal day to day life. Take as long as you need to transition back to normal life, whether that means it takes you longer to go back to a supermarket, to get the bus, to even go past your front door. Move at your own pace, but make sure to get support so your fears and worries don’t overtake your rational side, please remember that once this is over you have nothing to worry about when going outside and try and find the strength to regain your confidence.

At the moment, do what makes you feel comfortable, isolation isn’t a time where we have to become the best versions of ourselves (as is seen a lot in the media). If you feel safe by staying inside, then do what makes you feel secure. I can assure you that many people are feeling the same as you are and although going for daily walks is completely okay to do and you would be safe, don’t push your boundaries to much at once. Maybe try going on a walk with someone you live with, so you have that support with you if you find it to overwhelming. Writing down in a journal every day is also really helpful, just write down anything that comes to your head and put it to paper, it can really help clear your mind.

Lastly, please remember that this won’t last forever and your anxieties about this won’t either. Envision things you loved doing before this and how happy you will be to do them again. Think about past worries you’ve had and how you have overcome them, you will overcome this.

All the best, Darcey X

Hello!

I’m really sorry you are experiencing all of this uncertainty within your friendship group, especially while we are in lockdown and the friends you thought you could turn to have been letting you down as well. This sounds like a really stressful time for you and I totally understand why you are confused on how to approach the situation.

When I was at school, I was also in a big friendship group, which was quite toxic and at times I wondered myself why we even hung out as there was a lot of arguments and cliques within this big group. But, when I went off to sixth form, I decided to come out of contact with people I didn’t really see adding value to my life and it was probably the best thing I ever did. By value I mean, friendships should bring something positive to your life and you should be bringing something positive to theirs too, it’s a two-way street. So, if you feel like you are in a friendship which isn’t valuing your life and is more pain then joy, then I think you should always let it go.

Now I know it’s really hard for you because you still have another year left at sixth form, but from the sounds of their behaviour, they aren’t your friends and they aren’t treating you how a friend should. Joining new friendship groups at sixth form can be tricky but remember it’s not impossible! Get talking to others in your classes, make bonds with other people and I’m sure you’ll find someone you get along with in no time. Also, forget anything about popularity (which I know is always big in sixth from), but I can assure you once you leave, popularity means nothing. Join groups outside of sixth form, where you could find some more like-minded people, who share the same interests etc as you. If you have a part time job, try and get to know the people you work with and form an outside of work friendship.

I don’t know what your plans are after sixth form, whether it’s university, travelling or going into full time work. But one thing I do know, is this won’t last forever. You will find a group of people that you click with and that are true friends, who will be a value to your life and treat you how you deserve to be treated!

Never change who you are, and you should never feel like you have to stand up for yourself within a friendship group. Wishing you all the best with your A Levels and the future!

Darcey

One of the best pieces of advice I saw recently said you are not working from home, you are at home during a crisis trying to work. It’s an important distinction to make at a time like this and worth reminding ourselves that it’s ok if we feel like we’re stuck in a lockdown funk, we haven’t done this before and we’re all very much still adapting to this new life, however temporary it might be. These are not normal circumstances we’re in, so be mindful of how that might be affecting your motivation and concentration levels. Now that we’re studying and working from our homes, the boundaries between work and life have become significantly blurred. Whilst some of us might struggle to switch off and relax, some might struggle to get into the work mindset. One of the most important things when you’re trying to work from home is to establish a routine that works for you. What does your ordinary day at uni look like? Try to replicate the timetable at home. Get up at the same time every day, have a shower to wake up, get dressed in proper clothes as if you were going to uni and ideally, sit at a desk with a chair or a dining table, whatever you have going as long as it is a tidy workspace. These little steps all help prepare your mind for productivity. Take a proper lunch break away from your screen for at least half an hour – this is the perfect time to read your book and switch off for a while. Break your day up into bitesize sessions just like your seminars, lectures and free periods, this will provide your day with some structure. Another challenge about working from home is all the distractions. Put your phone on do not disturb or leave it in another room while you’re working, turn off the TV and pop on a chilled playlist that will help you work. You might be someone who benefits from easing yourself into the day by doing some exercise first thing in the morning before work, or you might prefer finishing your day by burning off some energy and then relaxing afterwards. Find out what works for you but establishing a clear routine and sticking to it is the key thing! Once you’ve nailed that, you’ll be able to get into the groove of working from home and separate free time from work time.