Between You & Me: Your Problems Answered Part 15

Hello lovely,

I’m sorry you’re going through it with your body, it can feel completely all-consuming and exhausting for these thoughts to dominate your life like this, so I’m SO glad you’ve written into us and opened up. I’m not an expert but from what you’ve said, it sounds like in your heart, you know thinness doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness. As you said, when you were thin, it wasn’t enough which to me suggests there could be something else you’re dealing with here and that maybe it’s just manifested itself in your disordered eating.

I listened to Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place podcast and there was an episode with Sam Smith on there and they were saying that much like our identities and opinions, our bodies never stay the same. They change and fluctuate over time, depending on so many factors whether it’s stress, grief, starting a new job, losing a job, a pandemic the list goes on! I found it really helpful to have it framed that way for me – I don’t know why we put our bodies on such a pedestal when it comes to perfection and weight. We are so much more than that!

In terms of solutions and overcoming thoughts about weight loss – firstly, remember they’re just thoughts. That’s all they are. It may seem like they’ve got a lot of power over you but that doesn’t make them facts. I think it also really helps to try and recalibrate your perspective, too. Check in with yourself! No one is saying being mindful about what you eat and working out is a problem, it only becomes problematic and unhealthy when you use those things against your body. So why don’t you flip the script? Why not make exercising about moving your body to feel good, not to lose weight or achieve a certain unattainable body type. Reposition your goals to be about feeling happy and content. I stopped working out to look a certain way a long time ago and I can’t tell you how liberating it is. I’m 30 now but most of my late teens and early 20s were consumed with the same kind of thoughts you’re having and its no way to live.

As Holly said, surround yourself with the kinds of people who champion self-love and body acceptance and who have healthy relationships with their bodies, both in real life and virtually (@Alexlight_ldn and @megan_rose_lane are bloody brilliant). Fill your Instagram feed with the kind of content that makes you feel good about your body and who you are as a person, rather than the posts that make you feel inadequate and if that means muting some people or unfollowing, so be it. Your mental health is important!

Also, don’t be ashamed to go out there and get professional advice if you’re feeling totally overwhelmed by it all – talk to someone who can help arm you with the skills and coping mechanisms to manage those self-destructive thoughts and behaviours. You don’t have to accept this as your life, you deserve to love your body and thrive in it. Loving yourself is an inside job and it takes constant work but you’ll definitely get there. Sending you lots of love X

Gahhh this is so hard. Just from reading this, it’s taken me back to a lot of similar feelings I had in a previous relationship so I really feel for you because it’s not a nice place to be in at all and can really get under your skin. It sounds like it’s been a bit of a whirlwind from the start and as circumstances meant things did move quite quickly then perhaps that has accelerated these issues and meant your partner has ended up feeling a bit suffocated, which it sounds like you have felt to some extent too. Despite this however, there is no excuse for him not openly communicating this with you and instead leaving you having to question these things and have it taken out on you. If he was feeling like he wanted to slow things down intensity wise, it sounds like you too would have been really open to this conversation, which makes it all the more frustrating that he is being rude and passive-aggressive towards you. I think regardless of if he’s feeling trapped or not, this isn’t the way you behave towards someone you care about and it’s not something I would personally feel bodes well for the future.

I totally understand where you’re coming from in regards to your mental health too as this can definitely be tricky for some to ‘get’ or know how to handle, but again him just leaving you to deal with these big feelings on your own because ‘he would feel better’ just isn’t cutting it for me. Yes these conversations can be difficult and if he’s not had to deal with this before then maybe he felt anxious himself, but I think it’s immature and doesn’t show effort or care from his side to simply leave you without support. However small that decision was for him to see his friend instead, it’s now set an expectation for you that if you want to be open and ask for support then he’s likely to go in the opposite direction, and that’s not okay. You should be able to rely on a partner, you should be able to lean on them when things are hard, and regardless of if you’re both feeling like you’ve seen a bit too much of each other lately, that is no excuse for evading his responsibility to show basic care and concern for you in a time of need. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but I don’t want this to become a pattern of behaviour for him which leads you to feel like it’s better to keep these feelings to yourself and to come to expect a boyfriend won’t be there for you, because that simply isn’t the case.

I don’t think it’s grounds to end the relationship entirely, but I think as he hasn’t taken any initiative to have a proactive conversation with you then you need to take this into your own hands and sit down and discuss it further. You’re perfectly within your rights to outline what you need and expect from him, and realistically he should want to know how to do better in supporting you. Try and gauge his reaction and see if he shows any sort of remorse for how he’s been behaving, and if not I hope you’re able to put yourself first and know that you are never, ever, a burden and do not deserve to be made to feel this way. Your feelings and needs are SO valid, and I don’t want you to feel like you ever need to suppress them. Lots of love and luck and remember you’re no.1. Hugs

Hello love! Thank you so much for writing in and sorry to hear you’re having a complicated time with your boyfriend. I think firstly it’s worth acknowledging that your relationship probably moved pretty quickly (they so often to at Uni) due to COVID and spending so much time together one on one. It’s a hyper-focused situation a bit like a holiday romance where you have not had to deal with much outside pressure and now you’ve come across something you perhaps disagree on and you’ve realised this person might not be completely as you thought they were. It’s super easy to get along with someone and stay happy when you don’t have to face anything together, the hard part comes when you have to tackle something together that isn’t easy, in this case, this would be your mental health and anxiety at Uni. Which I should say is completely valid and I know from personal experience how out of hand it can get. If you want a partner that you can go to and talk to about this kind of thing (as appose to family or friends) you’ll need someone who is emotionally intelligent and is sensitive enough to listen to your worries if you need to vent and help you problem-solve if you want to change something. Making a massive assumption that you guys are standard Uni age, it’s not super common that men this age are equipped to deal with what you need them to, so it may mean that your partner needs a little coaching through, making sure he knows how important it is for him to be there for you and how you like to be heard when you’re going through something. Communication is always key! If I’m going to play any kind of devil’s advocate I would say it’s also important to ask permission before you unload on someone else, men are significantly more likely than women to suffer in silence and we are after all, still in the midst of a global pandemic. Perhaps his mental health has not been so great recently and going out for some fresh air with a friend is something he really needed at that moment? Something to think about, I obviously have very little information so take that with a grain of salt! Keep communicating and telling your partner what you need, if you still get the feeling he’s not going to be there for you and your mental health it might be time to call it a day or make a more casual arrangement with him. There’s a saying that goes – when people show you who they are believe them so if your gut continues to tell you something is off make sure you end things so you don’t waste more of your time and energy. And for what it’s worth you will get through this stressful time of life, I found post-uni life working full time much easier than education, clearer skies are coming <3

Hello lovely person,

I really feel for you. Working out your sexuality is hard in any situation, let alone when you’re in a a relationship.

I think the main thing is to not put too much pressure on yourself. Theres so much emphasis on labels, but it sounds like you’re not sure how you feel at the moment. Don’t feel like you have to label yourself at this point, or ever. You can just like who you like.

I like how open minded you are, in admitting that you’re just curious to see what it might be like. It sounds like you need to have an open and honest chat with your current partner. Discuss how you’re feeling and come to a decision together. It might be that you can go on a break while you figure out how you feel. It might be that you go back to him, or find that

Break ups/breaks will always be hard. Theres no way round it. And theres literally no easy way to break the news to him, but if you’ve been feeling like this for a while, I’d be surprised if he didn’t know something was up. You aren’t responsible for his happiness, only for your own. And you’ll feel so much better what you have the conversation. Just make it very clear how you’re feeling, that you’re not sure if you want to be with him. Not that you don’t.

Go at your own pace, and please let us know how it goes!
Sending you lots of love,

Holly

Hello anon, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, my heart breaks for you as how you have been treated is so unfair. I must admit, it all sounds pretty shady, doesn’t it. Hiding his messages, not telling you who he’s speaking to and coming up with all these random elaborate stories (how many family emergencies can one person have?!). I do agree with you though, all the aspects do add up to him potentially cheating. I find him being in a new relationship 6 weeks later, with someone who lives on the street he was at the night before he broke up with you veryyyyy suspicious. So, no I do not think you are being unreasonable at all for thinking this. I think anyone in the same situation as you would feel the same.

I spoke to a guy for a while a few years back, we were never official, but it seemed as if it could go that way, till one day he stopped replying to my messages (full-on ghost mode). It was only when I checked his Facebook, we weren’t friends on there, I saw his picture was him with his ex, who was now no longer the ex! That feeling of being blindsided and not knowing why they did this is so, so hard and I wish I could give you a big hug. The problem in these situations, is you don’t usually get an explanation, mainly because anyone who would treat another person like that is so incredibly childish and selfish, they don’t think they owe anyone an explanation.

As difficult as it is, this might be a situation you don’t find closure from your ex. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have closure. Take back control in your own life, find a way to forgive them and let go. Even if you do find out what happened a week before you split up, I can assure you it won’t make you feel any better, it might even make you feel worse. Having this information won’t change what has happened, that’s why it’s sometimes better to just let go. This won’t happen overnight, but I promise as the days pass, you’ll care less and less. You deserve so much better than that and you deserve true happiness with the right person. One quote that always helps me in difficult situations is – “you can’t control the things that happen to you, but you can control the way you react to them”. Wishing you all the best in the future, Darcey X

Hello lovely!

Trying to complete your final year at uni in the middle of a pandemic must be seriously tough. There’s been a lot of disruption with seminars moving online and you’ve been robbed of all that face-to-face support you’d usually benefit from with tutors and friends, so I’d be worried if you weren’t feeling stressed and anxious to be honest. You’re only human, and this year has been A LOT so don’t write yourself off as the ‘not cut out for uni’ type – no one was cut out for what we’ve all just gone through. Add studying and trying to pass exams into the mix and you’ve got the recipe for emotional burnout.

Be kind to yourself – nothing about your final year has been normal so of course, you’re going to be struggling. Your friends are in the same boat and you should absolutely lean on them for support if they’re mentally available for that. If you’re worried they don’t have the capacity for it (you’re a good friend), you can always approach it sensitively and just ask if they mind having a chat. Explain that you’re struggling and see where they’re at, too. It might actually be a relief for all of you to hear that you’re feeling the same way. Likewise, if they aren’t in the right mindset to listen due to their own mental health, you don’t have to suffer in silence. Is there a tutor you can speak to or a university therapist, perhaps? Don’t be ashamed to reach out for support. We all react and cope differently to change and stress, and it sounds like you’ve still done your absolute best to keep going. That’s huge!

This is the final push and there is no feeling quite like that final day at uni with a free summer ahead of you. Make looking after yourself a priority, whether that be having a bath, going on a long walk or seeing your pals and get planning a few things that get you excited for your future. You didn’t come this far for nothing and you certainly didn’t get here without some kickass determination. I believe in you, even if you don’t.

Lareese Xx

Hi lovely! Firstly, feeling stressed and struggling to juggle everything in final year is absolutely not an overreaction, final year can be so stressful, and it is super full on. Especially with Covid added to the scenario, you are a real trooper and I am so proud of every university student who’s had to do their degree in a pandemic. Also, look how far you have come! You are at the final push and trust me once you get that degree, all the tears, late nights and stress will be worth it.

You are absolutely cut out for university; I think you are experiencing a bit of imposter syndrome but think about why you did that degree and where you want that to take you. Keep the next stage of life in mind, whether that be getting a graduate role, masters, a year off, keep all the fun that is to come in mind!

I’m sorry you are experiencing some difficulty in your family life, but your friends will absolutely not see you as a burden and speaking to them might be beneficial for you all to let off some steam. Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone in a situation makes you feel so much better.

I’m assuming your university term will end in a few months and then you will be free and able to enjoy a fairly normal summer! Try and organise some fun stuff for once university is over with all your pals as something to look forward to, having plans always helps.

You have 100% got this and I have so much faith in you! All the best, Darcey X

Okay, the short answer here would be no, you’re definitely not with the right one. I don’t think it’s the case that you should never doubt a relationship because I think it’s only natural when committing to someone to think about the ‘what ifs’ and your life trajectory, but the feelings you’ve described and the doubts you have are not the foundations of a strong relationship. It’s great that he’s been so supportive and reliable in your mental and physical health ups and downs because that really is so important, but don’t let that cloud your judgement or skew your other feelings or concerns, because really him caring and supporting you is the bare minimum you can expect from a long term partner.

Secondly, I don’t know if you’re familiar with the term ‘the ick‘ but from what you’ve described it sounds a little* bit like what you’re experiencing in terms of the physical touch and intimacy side of things. It depends how important sex is for you, because if you’re happy just not partaking in this so often then maybe it’s just an adjustment in your sex drive, but if you actively feel uncomfortable (being the key word you used here) then I really, really don’t think that’s something to be pushed aside. You should feel 100% relaxed and comfortable with a partner, and the fact this feeling comes up even with him touching you in both sexual and non sexual ways is not a great sign in my book. Maybe your heart are confused about your feelings towards him as it sounds like he has a lot of great points, but it sounds like your head is giving you very clear signals that you do not want to be around him or close to him any more than necessary. You mentioned at the start of the dilemma that you trust him completely, but then said you don’t fully trust him because of his unfaithfulness before, and I think again this just shows that maybe you want and have a desire to feel a certain way, but it just doesn’t translate with his actions or the reality of the relationship.

Comparison wise I really wouldn’t worry about not comparing to the greats of films or social media as so much of that is either works of fiction or you’re not getting the full story, but I think in some way you should feel a little sense of magic around him, which is maybe what you’re referring to in terms of movies. Social media is really not what it seems most of the time- I’ve definitely posted photos from weekends away with my ex after big arguments or cried before having a photo taken- it’s just not always reality so don’t forget that. I think it will take you a while to come to a conclusion or decision with this as he’s been such a big part of your life for many years, but all I can say is don’t disregard your feelings or concerns because they mean something, I promise. xxx

*”‘The ick’ is a dating term that means you get a sudden cringe feeling when you have romantic contact with someone: and become almost immediately put off by them,” says dating expert Hayley Quinn. You might feel suddenly repulsed, put off or cringed out by the person you’re dating – that’s “the ick” talking”.

Heya! Thanks so much for writing in, I think the bones of what you are asking are so common in relationships around the 5-year mark and a lot of our audience may have asked themselves the same thing. I’m sure you know this but you really can’t compare your relationship to others on social media and movies, it’s just not healthy and those relationships are not real, they’re simply a combination of the best bits with the rest filled in by your imagination. But I’m guessing you do this because you think something is missing in your own, it’s tough when you know you’ve got a great boyfriend but you can’t fully let yourself be happy, it’s like you know deep down you’ve settled for a good relationship whilst thinking you could be in a great one. Your partner sounds amazing bar the obvious things you’ve mentioned, not much sex in the last year – maybe you guys don’t have a high sex drive, maybe you’ve been turning down his advances because you’re no longer romantically attracted to him? You also kind of threw in the previous cheating at the end, are you definitely over that? Could going off him be some kind of self-preservation so you don’t get hurt again? It’s important to analyse your feelings as best you can, maybe talk to a therapist, therapy can be something short term to focus on a specific area of your life, you don’t have to be divulging your childhood and going every week for eternity ha! I think something else you’re considering is how much he helps with your CFS and mental health, it’s so easy to become reliant on your partner and it’s hard to think about leaving them and all the good they provide you behind. The grass isn’t always greener when it comes to leaving relationships behind, but sometimes it is… and the fact you still have so much respect and admiration for your partner means it’ll always be harder for you to let them go for this big romantic love that might be out there. I’ll also say you’ve lived together for what could possibly be seen as the hardest and most boring year of life in the last few decades. You haven’t been able to go anywhere and enrich your life with food, travel, fun, the list goes on. It’s easy to start over analysing your life and wanting more, wanting some kind of progress and wanting to feel intense happiness you see on social media and movies. Try not to think about finding “the one” (there isn’t one, there are hundreds of people out there for you!) but making sure you’re happy with someone in the moment. If your happiness to continues to wain move on, don’t focus on finding this one true love, it’s an unrealistic thing to find and we’ll always leave you disappointed.