Between You And Me Answering Your Problems Part 12

Hello lovely human,

I completely understand your pain, I’m sorry you’re having to make such big decisions prematurely. For what it’s worth, I think it’s really great that you both are mature enough to realise that you can’t change your dreams/life plans for someone else.

It sounds like you have a really great relationship, who doesn’t want their partner to also be their best friend?! So take advantage of that and chat to him properly about how you’re feeling. He’s probably thinking exactly the same things but you both love each other too much to bring it up.
I think ending it prematurely would be a mistake. Even if you do only have a few months left together, why not make the most of that. That being said, maybe you could use the coming months to try and transition your relationship to something more casual. Making it a bit easier when he is gone so you won’t miss him as much.

If you’re really sure you don’t want to try long distance, it might be good to have a little break. You do a lot of growing in your 20’s and if you still love each other when he’s back, at least you’ve grown and explored being by yourself.

I’m a strong believer that everything works out how it’s meant to in the end. So while you’re completely valid to be upset and overwhelmed about the current situation, please know it will be OK whatever the outcome.
Sending you love and positivity for what is looking like a tough, but full of life lessons year!

Holly

Hey anon!

Thank you for writing in, online dating in the middle of a pandemic is definitely a strange experience at times so I think it’s great you’ve both decided to take things slow, but also fantastic that you are planning future dates for when you can finally meet!

I totally understand keeping the online dating world from your mum, especially if she can be too overprotective of you at times. I think also you have to remember that you are 23 and allowed to have your own privacy, especially when it comes to dating, and that you don’t have to tell your parents everything. I’m the same age as you, and I absolutely never tell my parents about people I’m speaking to from dating apps, as to be honest until it gets more serious, they don’t really need to know! Of course, if I was going on a date though in person, I would let someone know, like a friend, just so someone knows that I am meeting someone online as you should always be precautious.

I think keep chatting to him and enjoying things how they are at the moment, don’t get too ahead with thinking about telling your mum etc. I think once you have met him in person and established that connection with him face-to-face too and had a few great dates, then that would be a good time to start thinking about telling your mum.

I think your mum is most likely a bit over-bearing as she wants to protect you, but I absolutely think having a chat with her about boundaries would be a good idea as you are an adult and need your own space too. We all make mistakes, but we learn from those so being able to choose your own path is absolutely what you need.

This guy from Hinge though sounds lovely, fingers crossed you get to meet in person soon and wishing you all the best in the future!

Hey love! Thanks so much for writing in and congratulations in your online dating quest, it’s awesome you’ve managed to find someone who is enriching your life so much especially in a time like this! Stay cool calm and collected though as you never know what the vibe will be like when you meet, or whether you might just be better suited as friends, just bare that in mind, and take each day as it comes, it’ll be interesting when you eventually get to meet after speaking for so long but you clearly have a great connection so YAY! Now for the mum issue, I don’t have super overprotective parents but they definitely we’re always quite involved and even when I’m home now I don’t feel like they treat me like an adult all the time so I can sympathise with you there. Maybe you need to sit your mum down and have an honest conversation with her about boundaries and how she makes you feel sometimes, I would assume that her not giving you the privacy you deserve possibly comes from a place of love and she’s just worried that you’re going to get hurt. You mentioned having a disability which might make her more worried as it’s something she didn’t have to go through. But hey, your 23, you need to be able to make your own mistakes and find your own path as she’ll only end up pushing you away. I’d keep your news about your guy under your hat for now and see how the conversation about boundaries goes… good luck!

Hello my love,

I totally agree that whilst we’re basically fluent in the lockdown lingo now, the in and out unpredictability is a bit much to digest and can leave you feeling a bit adrift. Is this just life now?! If we’re really pragmatic about it, we know this isn’t going to be forever but now the coronavirus restrictions have rolled over into another year, it feels like the set-backs just keep on coming. That said, the vaccine is here and that’s a bit of good news to hold onto.

I think trying to cultivate some of that positivity you had first time around and getting a little routine going will help you no end! Team Zoella has been working from home here in the UK since March last year and I’ve found that the tiniest of things can help make sure my day gets off to a good start – waking up at the same time every day, walking with a podcast at lunchtime, lighting a candle to mark the end of the working day and the start of my downtime at home or even just having a bath on your lunch break – because you can – and ordering yourself a bouquet of flowers to brighten up your home.

Take some time away from the news and social media if it’s getting too intense for you. Emotions are high and it’s very much a case of ‘same storm, different boat’ so the best thing to do is just separate yourself from the social media noise and focus on the things that are going to make you feel calm and content over this next lockdown period. It’s all about those small victories, happy distractions and simple pleasures pal. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be your best productive self but take some time to listen and lean into anything that will bring you joy in these tumultuous times. Sending you a big air hug! xx

Hello lovely reader,

Blimey, you’ve come to the right place! If there’s one thing I can reassure you on, it’s that you aren’t alone. If there was an awards ceremony for countries that most messed up the whole situation, honestly the UK would win!

I can only imagine how hard it must be, being in a country where the restrictions vary from place to place. Especially if you can see people you know having a better time than you. I think the thing to remember is that, despite the government’s incompetence, they are doing what will ultimately benefit us in the future. It’s so easy to see absolutely no way out. Like this is life forever, but it’s not. At some point, we will be vaccinated, we’ll be able to go to bars, hug our loved ones, even lick pavements if that’s your thing.

It’s easier said than done, but if you can find a hobby or use your time in lockdown productively, it will really help too. I’ve got DIY tasks around my house done which I would NEVER have put time aside to do otherwise. I’ve saved money and reconnected with old friends because I have more time to video call etc.

I have just booked some things to look forward to, in hope of helping drag me out of my funk and it’s really helped. I booked some (refundable) flights for November, and planning how we’re going to celebrate friends weddings/birthdays from afar. Looking forward is the only thing getting me through in all honesty.

Sending you a big hug, we’ll get through this!
Holly

Hello! I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling with this relationship, as any kind of animosity or turbulence with a parent can be really challenging. It sounds to me that despite still being young you’re perhaps the more mature one in this dynamic, so well done you for being so level headed and considered in your efforts- it’s not always easy! 12 months is a long time to feel like you’re being repeatedly cancelled on and not having your efforts reciprocated so I think as we’re moving further into 2021 it’s really important to have a conversation with him about it. Sometimes honesty is the best policy, so even though I am 99% sure it’s not something he’s doing intentionally, I think it’s important to raise with him that you do feel like he’s avoiding you and that maybe it’s triggering some of those anxieties from the periods previously when he’s moved in and out of your life. Don’t feel the need to sugar coat things, nor to justify your feelings- your response is totally valid and hopefully, he will respectfully understand your point of view. Perhaps you could suggest putting in place some regular contact so you don’t constantly feel like you’re having to chase him? Perhaps getting in a weekly phone call on the same day every week would be quite easy to implement or a socially distanced walk on Sunday morning’s if you live close by? Some small but regular points of contact that become part of yours and his routine might make things feel less like an effort for both of you!

In terms of him nitpicking and criticising your decisions, I also think this is something that needs to be called out as understandably it’s impacting you. A good parent should try and support you even when they might not agree with your life decisions, and it might be worth giving him a gentle calling out on this and mentioning how it’s affecting you. It doesn’t need to be the case of him agreeing with every single thing you do, but it shouldn’t be too much to ask that he’s respectful and supportive, especially when it comes to your career which is totally down to you. Ultimately I think communication might be the fix to these concerns, which I know can be annoying especially as you’ve been trying so hard, but if you can pin him down for a chat I think it will feel like a weight off your shoulders if nothing else!

Good luck, know that you are doing all you can and remember his actions are purely a reflection of his own issues and nothing to do with you or your worth.

Lots of love,
Charlotte xxx

Hey Anon!

Thank you so much for writing in, I find this question so interesting because I felt exactly the same at your age. All my friends would fancy someone, be speaking to someone or have partners, and I always used to wonder why I wasn’t experiencing any of this?! I spent a large part of school not fancying anyone, yeah, I found boys good looking (like you mentioned too) but I never FANCIED anyone or formed any kind of relationship with any guys at my school. Truth be told, looking back now I just wasn’t that interested, but felt I needed to be, so it would angst me. I wonder if this is similar for you too. You have your whole life to find someone and have your first relationship, and I think school just isn’t that place for a lot of people.

I think most importantly is to not stress about the situation, I know easier said than done when all your friends are getting into relationships, but you can’t compare your path to others as it will just create so much anxiety for you. We all get into relationships at different times. I have some friends (I’m 22 now) who are with long-term boyfriends, living together in flats thinking about marriage and I have friends who have never been in a long-term serious relationship (me included). But that’s just how it is really, we all do things at different times.

Personality is a massive part of fancying someone too, not just that instant attraction to someone, you might just be someone who needs to really know someone to fancy them. Sometimes it’s also just figuring out your sexuality too and who you are really attracted to, some people also are never instantly attracted to anyone and they are asexual, who find that they don’t really find anyone attractive, but they can have very normal romantic relationships still.

But I really do think at your age it’s best to just not overthink it all, you will work out these feelings as you get older, and probably when you leave school too and start mixing with new people. I didn’t really properly fancy anyone till I was about 17 and at college! You’ve got this don’t worry, just enjoy school and being with your mates, and just let all that other stuff come naturally. I promise you’ll figure it all out one day. All the best, Darcey Xx

Heya! Thank you so much for writing in I can only imagine how out of place you must feel sometimes when your friends are speaking about something you’ve never experienced but trust me I’m sure there are tons of people who feel exactly the same as you do! At 16 you’re still so young, even though you don’t feel it and sometimes the easiest way to judge a situation is based on your friends but please try not to worry about it as you’ll only end up spiralling and feeling self-conscious. Some people only have a crush on someone they really like, some people may just get those feelings later on life, you might be attracted to people of the same sex and that’s ok too! Drawing from personal experience I used to have a crush on a guy and if I ended up ‘seeing’ them they’d make me feel sick after about two weeks and it was all a complete waste of everyone’s time ha! Basically don’t overthink it, just keep living life and enjoying yourself, all that other stuff will come later!

Hello anon!

I’m so sorry you went through such a turbulent time in 2020 both within yourself and your relationship, but the first thing I noticed from reading this was just how strong, kind and caring you really are. It’s definitely easy to feel blame or guilt when we have to make difficult decisions, but I just want to begin by saying you are truly so compassionate, introspective and empathetic and this really shows.

I’ve been in a similar situation however the other way around, as my mental health, unfortunately, lead to a recent break up so I feel I have some insight into the situation you find yourself in. I really struggled to accept the decision myself, but the circumstances were different, and in your case, I really respect the time, care and patience you have given to your ex who is so lucky to have someone like you in their life, period. Although it’s easy to focus on his mental health as the main factor in his efforts and current state of mind, I think it’s important to consider that maybe these factors would have led you to the same decision regardless of his commitment to making sure you’re fulfilled in the relationship. You highlighted that you have different priorities in the ways you spend your time, socialise and be around others, and I think this might have caused problems in the future even if he was feeling like his best self. Breakups are always difficult but they can feel even more challenging when there isn’t a major reason behind them, so although he didn’t explicitly do anything ‘wrong’, it’s not to say the relationship was right for you at this point in your life.

4 years is a super long time to spend with someone so please remember to show some kindness and patience for yourself too, as it’s all well and good being concerned about him but you have to look after number one too! Despite his mental health struggles, it does sound like he took the relationship for granted somewhat and over time that has of course caused you to doubt your security with him. No matter the circumstances you should always feel like you are wanted and valued in your relationship and it just seems like pandemic aside, those were not emotions you felt with him.

It’s natural to feel an obligation and desire to keep supporting him and be an ear to listen when he feels he has no one else to turn to, but know that this isn’t your ‘job’ so to speak. He may find it difficult to speak to others, but it’s not healthy to place so much of his emotional baggage on to you and you alone. Perhaps you can hold his hand a little in lightening the load, maybe by looking into therapists that seem like the right fit for him or getting advice from a mental health charity on his behalf- it will help you to feel less like the weight of his MH is completely on your shoulders, and hopefully aid in supporting him too.

It’s a really difficult situation and you’re handling it so maturely and compassionately so like I said make sure to prioritise yourself and your emotional needs too. Lots of love, you got this!

Charlotte xxx

Hiya lovely!

Thanks for getting in touch. I remember finding 15/16 a particularly crappy and turbulent period for self-love too, so you’re definitely not on your own. I had a complete body confidence crisis at your age and I can only imagine how much harder it is now in the era of .com and social media and this unattainable level of perfection that’s we’re constantly being bombarded with.

On the flip side, one good thing about social media is the amount of body confidence accounts out there advocating for self-love and acceptance. Not sure if you’re on Instagram but a couple of golden accounts to follow, @alexlight_ldn and @aspoonfulofalice and @megan_rose_lane to name a few! Curating your feed with wholesome body chat and accounts that make you feel good in the skin you’re in is a great place to start.

We are not born hating our bodies. When we’re babies, our soft squishy skin is embraced and adored, then we grow up and society chips away at that innate relationship & trust we have with our bodies. It has conditioned us into believing that thinness is the pinnacle of human existence – the ultimate life goal and a ticket to happiness & self-worth but that’s 100% bullcrap. Your body is a beautiful evolving fluctuating breathing multi-functional fluid friend. It can be so hard when you’re at an age when you might not recognise your body as you know it. It’s changing, growing and blooming in new ways, preparing you for this next phase of your life and whilst that can feel quite alien and scary at first, it’s a pretty freaking amazing metamorphosis.

I also went on the pill at your age because my periods were wild and my skin was angry. Did I put on weight? Yep, and I even had one particularly lovely stranger tell me so. I’m not gonna lie, it hurt because I felt so out of control of my own body at the time but now I wish I could go back and say, just let it be! Your body has got this and it’s nobody else’s business what it looks like or how it’s going to continue to change over the years. Hormones do crazy things but eventually, your body finds its baseline rhythm again and side-effects usually subside after the first few months. On the plus side, the pill has plenty of perks too – my skin was never better and my periods were like clockwork. Wishing you the best with it, lots of love! xxx