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TEAM ZOELLA JULY 18, 2022

“My BF Is Going On A Lads’ Holiday, And I’m Scared AF!” Getting into July’s Between You and Me 

Ibiza, Cancun, Shagaluf - wherever their party destination of choice, lads’ holidays can feel like the real-life Casa Amor test, striking fear in the most trusting of partners. For anyone going through a similar situation, Team Zoella are on hand to reassure you in this month's Between You & Me.

Ibiza, Cancun, Shagaluf – wherever their party destination of choice, lads’ holidays can feel like the real life Casa Amor test, striking fear in the most trusting of partners and creating sleepless nights for the one left at home sniffing their aftershave-soaked jumper. Alexa, play All By Myself.

For anyone going through a similar situation and dreading their S.O boarding that flight, Team Zoella are on hand to reassure you that a) trust is king, and b) the worst confessions usually involve poo, not pussy. Whatever happens on a lads’ holiday rarely stays on a lads’ holiday, more’s the pity. 

In this month’s BYAM, we’re also answering your questions on how to handle mixed-income friendships. Klaxon: money differences between friends don’t have to be awks. To paraphrase Louis Theroux’s iconic rap, letting them know that your money *does* in fact jiggle, jiggle whilst theirs *folds* is no biggie, and whilst you’d love to be their Soho House guest of choice, chugging back £16 picantes like the cost of living crisis doesn’t exist, that champagne lifestyle won’t fund itself. Have you seen the price of butter lately? Outrageous. Quality time with your besties doesn’t have to be fancy – the best things in life are free (ish) after all, and nothing unites pals quite like a cheap day at the beach, with a warm cup of wine and a full heart. 

Keep reading for the team’s two cents on all that and more, in this month’s Between You and Me agony aunt column. 

Darcey says…

Hey anon! This is quite a tricky situation and I wish I had more info on why you hate it so much, but I can imagine feeling a bit left out is probably quite high on the list of reasons? It must be quite strange seeing two of your friends date because they were people who were solely there for you and now you have to share them in some new way, so I totally understand disliking it. I do think though you should give it some time, you might find it brings you all closer together or your individual friendships aren’t affected at all, I suppose the worry also is that they might decide to split at some point or things end badly and you end up in the middle. There’s nothing wrong with implementing some boundaries, maybe explain to them both that you are happy with them dating (white lies hurt no one haha) but that you really value the one-on-one time you get with them and also never want to be put in a position where you have to pick a side. Unfortunately, you can’t tell them they can’t date and I think you know that too, there’s a chance your friends have both found their soulmates and how beautiful is that? Ride it out for now and see how things progress with them, while still making the same effort you would with your separate friendships and see how it all goes.

Lily says…

Hello Anon! So the questions running through my brain are: is this just from feeling left out? Do you subconsciously have a crush on one of your friends? Or perhaps you just don’t like how the friendship dynamic has changed since they started dating?

If it’s just purely feeling left out or left behind and it is really upsetting you then you can either give it some more time or if you have already made this step then this can be sorted through clear communication. Sit them both down and express how you feel. Tell them that you want to spend more time as a group like it was before and that you want to feel more included! It might just be that they are getting carried away with this new flame and forget to make time as a group!?

Lily says…

First things first, feeling this way is very common, so don’t feel alone in this! Not everyone will be earning the same amount (at any age/stage) and will have different finical outgoings. So, with that in mind, be prepared for different incomes/money situations within a friendship group to be a challenge. However, the best thing you can do is be honest with your friends if you’re unable to join things that you can’t budget. Explain what you are comfortable affording/doing if the next plan is one that you will struggle to participate in! Compromise is key within any style of relationship.

Keep in mind though that if you are in the right friendship group then there will be no issues once this has been raised!

Liv says…

Firstly, this is a super common worry to have. Remember that iconic episode of friends? The One With Five Steaks And An Eggplant? It’s a tough thing to bring up with your friends and it can take some confidence. I think you need to fully accept the stage of life you’re at and be confident in your path then it’s something that will feel easier to discuss. When you do feel like you can speak to your friends about it, as your friends they should be understanding and you never know, some of them might be feeling the same way. Please remember that salaries, ingoings and outgoings are different for everyone and can change a lot! Hope the conversation goes well when you speak to them!

Danielle says…

OOF I absolutely feel you with this one just the words ‘Lads Holiday’ sent a shiver down my spine, I’m sure we all saw this year’s Casa Amor antics on Love Island and have collectively come to the conclusion that men really ain’t sh*t. I also did two seasons working in Malia when I was 19/20 and saw the absolute worst of the worst when it came to men openly cheating on their girlfriends without a shred of remorse. It’s such a bizarre fallacy that guys use the opportunity to do whatever they want and know their mates won’t say a word, cowards! The tough part is that there really isn’t anything you can do to stop if if your BF is one of “those” guys, you just have to trust him try and relax as much as you can and look out for some signs when he’s back because realistically you have to trust him like you’d want to be trusted – it’s the foundation of your relationship.

Everyone loves the phrase if he wanted to, he would and you can apply it to cheating – if he wants to stay faithful he will and trying to micro-manage your relationship before he goes will only be frustrating and tense. Maybe have a chat before he goes and re-iterate that cheating will most definitely end your relationship and if you find out you will immediately end things without taking him back, tell him you deserve a certain level of communication like texting you when he gets in from a night out and texting or calling every morning. When he’s home keep an eye out if he’s distant or not his usual self as these are tell-tale signs something has happened! I’m sure everything will be absolutely fine, try not to stress yourself out <3

Darcey says…

Ah the lads holiday! I have seen this topic all over my TikTok fyp recently and it’s making these holidays look like something straight out of a horror movie. However, I do think we are being shown the worst of the worst online when probably most lads holidays are just them and their mates wanting to have a good time together. I don’t think lads holidays are all about sex and pulling as many people as they can, but I know some are, which is of course only fine if they are single. I do get that the notion of a lads holiday does give off big wanting to shag only vibes and I must admit if I had a boyfriend and he wanted to go to Magaluf as an example for a week with all his single mates I’d be a bit like, but why? But like I said earlier, they might just genuinely want to spend time with their mates, drinking and enjoying the beaches etc in the day.

If you are stressing I’d try and think rationally about how your partner usually behaves and if you trust him on any normal night out, I think it’s unlikely a loyal boyfriend will cheat just because they are on holiday (I’m assuming cheating is what you are worried about!). At the end of the day you cannot control what your partner will do on that holiday, you just have to trust they will respect you and your relationship. So don’t fret the whole time and stress yourself out, how he behaves and his communication with you while on holiday will be big indicators of his commitment, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about!

Lareese says…

What’s happened in America is dystopian to say the least. This is a war on women and people with wombs at this point and a violation of human rights, and I think we’re all collectively shocked, enraged and heartbroken that our bodies – the bodies of our US sisters – are still in someone else’s hands in 2022. It is barbaric and inhumane. As a fundamental expectation of being human, we should all have bodily autonomy and access to reproductive care, and there are so many things wrong with forcing someone to continue an unwanted pregnancy to term under the guise of ‘pro-life’ with absolutely no regard for the mother’s own. Overturning Roe v. Wade, thus removing the constitutional right to abortion and stripping 36 million US women of their right to choose, won’t stop them from happening, it simply pushes them underground, making them more dangerous, especially for the poor and marginalised.

Here in the UK, we’ve had the Abortion Act since 1967, meaning you can legally have an abortion up to 23 weeks and 6 days of pregnancy. From what I understand, the only way such a law can be repealed is if parliament wants to repeal it. This is extremely unlikely given that a political party would need to push through a proposal and get enough votes to make it happen. We could potentially see amendments to the original act but again, this would mean introducing private member’s bills / the Lords agreeing with the amendments, thus seems highly unlikely and controversial. Given that abortions are still technically a criminal offence in England and Wales under the 1861 Offences against The Person Act, meaning they’re only legal under certain circumstances, there’s still work to do here to make abortions more accessible for all.

Whilst the reality of this life-changing regression on reproductive rights in the US is impossible to absorb, the fight doesn’t end here. We can use our power, both in the US and the UK, to vote against arbitrators of such systems. Be loudly and unashamedly pro-choice, continue the fight for safe, legal abortions and sign petitions to put pressure on our government to do something. As Glennon Doyle said, “It is okay to feel afraid and tender now. Soon, the anger returns and we fight like bloody hell. First the pain, then the mother fucking rising.” Solidarity with you and the women of America, always xx

Maddie says…

At Zoella we firmly believe that women should have the right to do what they feel is best for their bodies and for themselves which includes complete autonomy over their reproductive rights. We were completely heartbroken to hear the news of Roe vs Wade being overturned. This decision will leave thousands of women and families without safe access to abortions and will disproportionally affect disadvantaged women from low-income backgrounds. Some of the stories we’ve all heard over the last few weeks are harrowing and absolutely archaic. I agree it’s incredibly frightening that this could even be possible but I hope it reassures you that the process of overturning bills in this country is very different to America where just 6 judges were able to make this decision themselves. I don’t pretend to know the political nuances however I found this video from James Cordon helpful and I hope you find some comfort watching it.

Charlotte says…

Hello! It’s super positive that you have strong feelings for your boyfriend and to be honest I think this situation can be remedied with a bit more communication and perseverance which is great! If you’ve never heard of love languages then it may be about to change your life …

The theory goes that the 5 love languages outline the general ways that romantic partners express and experience love, and are categorised as words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. There’s a test you can do online to see what yours is, but if it’s affection you’re after then it sounds like yours may be physical touch!

It can be really helpful to know, especially in new relationships, what your partner’s love language is, and to be honest until you do then relationships are essentially a bit of a stab in the dark! Your boyfriend might think he’s showing you love in the way he thinks is best, but if he’s buying you gifts and little treats throughout the month but all you truly want is to spend some quality, uninterrupted time together, you can see how things can get lost in translation. I would bring it up sooner rather than later and it might even be fun to take the test together- I have no doubt it will strengthen your relationship! Good luck!

Lareese says…

Like Charlotte, I’d be inclined to suggest getting to know both yours and your partner’s love language. It sounds like you might fall into the physical touch or words of affirmation camp, whist he may communicate his love and affection in other ways such as acts of service or quality time. If the concept of love languages is new to you, check out this blog post we did for reference. It might help you get your head around what expressing love and affection looks like to you, vs how your boyfriend ticks.

As with any relationship, new or old, communication is king, and understanding how you both give and receive love and affection can do wonders for ensuring you feel seen, heard and appreciated. It sounds like a good heart to heart is in order as usually (from my experience anyway!) they’re pretty oblivious to these things until you spell it out to them, haha. I want to reassure you that just because you show love differently to him, it doesn’t mean that you’re incompatible, or that your relationship is doomed. Just because your love language differs from his doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a wonderful, loving relationship full of affection and intimacy, it just means you get to experience love in a whole myriad of ways, some of which might be more subtle but just as meaningful as the lovey dovey declarations of love. As long as you’re on the same page with one another’s needs, and both do your bit to ensure the other person is fulfilled, that’s all that matters. Talk it through, express what you need, hear him out and manage your expectations of how he best communicates his love for you, and go from there. I’ve every faith this is nothing a good honest talk can’t fix.

Maddie says…

Sorry to hear that your brother-in-law isn’t treating his family as well as he once was, that must be really hard to witness. I wonder whether something has happened that could be the reason for his behaviour shift? I think if I was in your shoes I would speak to my sister 1-2-1 and gently ask her if everything is ok. Tell her you’ve noticed a few comments or behaviour changes recently and that you’re just concerned and want to make sure she’s ok but also that he’s ok. Try not to point fingers or come in too strong as that’s when people can quickly get defensive and protective which may lead to further tensions in the family. Often an outsider’s perspective is exactly what people need to make them realise what’s going on right in front of their noses. I hope things get better for them and it’s just a bit of a rough season, I think all you can do is be supportive to your sister and make sure that she knows you’re there for her if she needs it.

Charlotte says…

I’m so sorry to hear your friend is struggling and that it’s impacting your friendship. I have no doubt it’s proving difficult for both of you for different reasons so I hope you’re doing okay!

As someone who has struggled with their mental health on and off for 10 years now, I’ve definitely been through patterns of being a really present and good (hopefully!) friend, as well as times when I feel like I’ve probably made things harder for those around me, so I really do empathise with your pal in this situation. No matter what she’s battling, I can only imagine that she’s probably also aware of the strain it’s putting on the relationships around her and no doubt feels a sense of guilt and responsibility for that. I definitely understand it must be frustrating from your perspective, but I think a little time and leeway here would probably go a long way. In the words of Ronan Keating, life is a rollercoaster sometimes and having friends who can support you through the ups and the downs is so rare and special- I have no doubt that regardless of her current behaviour she appreciates you being that person for her.

If you’re finding her difficult to be around or her struggles are really impacting you then I’d suggest maybe distancing yourself from her a little if it feels like that would help you. It’s okay to prioritise yourself and your needs in this situation and simply take a breather so that you can help support her better when the time feels right. Before doing so I’d try to make sure she does have people around her to lean on, but I think finding a balance between supporting yourself and her is key! Best of luck!

Liv says…

This feels like a tricky situation for both of you. Your friend sounds like they are currently going through something that is impacting your friendship and I’m sorry that it’s having an effect on you. If I was in your situation I would try and speak to my friend and explain how I am feeling whilst being sympathetic to their situation. Take the time to explain how their actions are making you feel, they probably don’t notice that they are being unkind and are caught up in their crisis. I also think you need to know your self-worth in this situation and if they continue to be unkind knowing how you feel maybe start to focus your time and energy on those who are kinder to you.

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