From taking 3-5 working days to recover from Stranger Things Season 4 Volume II to unapologetically planning your life around Love Island, here’s 20 things to do in July.
1. Pitch up a tent in your back garden just to feel something. Those Glasto blues have hit you hard. This time last week you were living off cider, glitter and crisps. You are a shell of humanity and everyone will hear about it.
2. Walk into your group gym class and break into an immediate sweat when you realise you’re one of only *two* people to show up… because it’s sunny. Send help.
3. Celebrate Percy Pig turning the big 30 the only way you know how… by hoovering an inappropriate amount of gummies until you grow a curly tail of your own and snort, burp, sneeze and fart all at the same time. It’s all downhill from here, Percy pal.
4. Play Kate Bush on repeat. It’s a need.
5. Hyperventilate when your life turns Upside Down again due to Stranger Things Volume II and pray that Steve ‘the hair’ Harrington lives to tell the tale of slaying Vecna.
6. Disguise yourself as a tree just to get into Hyde Park to see Adele without paying £400 a ticket. Go easyyyyy on me 🎶
7. Feel personally victimised by pollen. Struggling to speak, breathe or open your eyes right now.
8. Watch Love Island and get heavily invested in the girls and their salon experiences. Ahem.
9. Have your first sea swim of the year. It’s lovely once you’re in.
10. Suddenly become a tennis extraordinaire just for Wimbledon, what does love mean again?
11. See if the food that normally hurts your stomach still hurts your stomach today. What in the internal shower is going on here?!
12. Try and motivate yourself to fake tan. You *never * miss a workout.
13. Tell your friends not to invite you anywhere till the cost of living goes down.
14. Consider cancelling that road trip. You can barely afford the journey from pump 2 to pump 3.
15. Buy every bastard Kopparberg you can find. It’s 34 degrees babyyy.
16. Watch Where the Crawdads Sing. We stan Daisy Edgar Jones.
17. Master your corporate laugh whilst being positively bedevilled with Microsoft Teams meetings.
18. Calculate how much your boss owes you for being the highlight of everyone’s day.
19. Reward yourself with 3 ice coffees a day. Treating yourself is in the fine print of the introvert contract.
20. Wear deodorant on your thighs and talc your tits. Not everybody fits in the bad bitch genre. It’s a genre.