When you think of sex parties, what comes to mind?
Sweaty orgies? Elite masked events for kinky couples in costumes? Or dingy fuckfests where grubby single men can rock up in their oily overalls willy-nilly to watch you whilst they strum their penis in a corner? Maybe *that* Sex/Life scene has skewed your idea of what a sex party entails: the one that starts with a frenemy blowjob from Trina and ends with Cooper in a sling…
Thanks to the many, many myths out there and unrealistic on-screen depictions (Eyes Wide Shut anybody?), what you believe about sex parties and partaking in the swingers’ lifestyle *probably* isn’t true. Spoiler alert: It’s not like the movies. Kink events cater to all kinds of different tastes, preferences and sexual orientations these days, from the vanilla right through to BDSM, with some focusing entirely on the pursuit of female pleasure, whilst others have specific themes, fetishes or dress codes. There’s truly something for everyone! And when we say everyone, we mean people from all walks of life. Contrary to popular belief, sex parties aren’t reserved for the sex-mad, they’re for ordinary folk: lawyers, teachers, writers, doctors, stylists, financial advisors and accountants.
For the most part, it’s a pretty close-lipped community too, with those in attendance keeping the location and intimate details hush hush. It’s a sacred space with mutual respect for one another’s anonymity, and it’s certainly not reserved for the crazy wild sex addicts of the world. In fact, the sex (if it happens, as it’s by no means mandatory) is only part of the appeal. Most party-goers are seeking something else entirely from their experience, whether that be connecting with a partner or building friendships with like-minded people who understand and respect you.
Feeling curious? You’re not alone. As a team of people who’ve never been cordially invited to such a bash (more’s the pity), we are fascinated. Like, where do you hang your coat? Truly a pressing question we must get to the bottom of. Do you have to exchange naked niceties beforehand, strolling around butt naked making polite conversation about what you do for a living whilst knocking back a Prosecco and trying (read: failing) not to make eye contact with the sea of vulvas on the chaise longue across the way?
For the uninitiated and the downright curious (that’s just about all of us then), here’s what it’s really like to attend a sex party in real life, from a couple who know… and there’s not a pampas bush in sight.
(This article speaks to Abbie and Emma’s experience and their relationship, and does not reveal locations or compromise anyone else’s anonymity.)
Abbie & Emma’s story
We were sitting on the sofa watching tv, having a conversation about Amsterdam and the red light district, we had both been to see a sex show and found the concept interesting. It led us into a conversation about whether we would be interested in going to a sex party and we both agreed we would. So, with that, our best option to find one locally was… Google.
We didn’t actually discover much, and it made us realise that it is quite a private community. After some searching, we found a hotel that was hosting a “sex party” near us.
The details said people would be meticulously vetted and single men were not allowed and had to either be with a partner or accompanied by a woman. Straight away, our reservations were put to rest, we bought the tickets there and then. Abbie & Emma
We went through the details regarding the party as we were both clear that being two lesbians, we didn’t want to go into an environment with lots of single men just watching us and making us feel uncomfortable, and this party didn’t seem that way at all. The details said people would be meticulously vetted and single men were not allowed and had to either be with a partner or accompanied by a woman. Straight away, our reservations were put to rest, we bought the tickets there and then. The dress code was *very* specific, no casual clothes allowed. They wanted everyone to be very dressed up, men in shirts, trousers and shoes and women in whatever made them feel sexy.
The build-up to the event was super exciting for us as we had no idea what to expect, whether it would be a “fuckfest” or casual drinks and a bit of naughtiness thrown in. Turns out, there was a lot of sex on the cards, and we very much enjoyed that!
We got all dressed up and ordered an Uber, both shitting ourselves on the journey there but equally excited, too. We pulled up to the hotel and there was a bouncer on the door which took us by surprise but also made us feel that the event was safe and secure.
The hostess approached us and took our names, turns out we weren’t on the list even though we had bought tickets. The event organiser came out and asked how we knew him and how we found out about the event. We explained that we had found out about it online and he then went inside to discuss it with his wife.
At this point, I was already backing out the door telling Abbie I didn’t want to do this, he came back out, apologised for the mix up and invited us in. With our free glass of Prosecco in hand, the hostess gave us a tour of the areas, firstly being the bar area where everyone was mingling, drinking and seemingly catching up. It suddenly dawned on us that most of the people at this party either knew each other or knew someone who knew them. I felt like a fish out of water whilst Abbie took it in her stride.
The hostess then led us past a room where professional pictures were being taken, explaining to us that we also get a “free shoot” if we want. We proceeded downstairs to the “play room” which had no-one in it at that point. This was a large room with a lounge area, off the side to this was a large bedroom with a circle bed and mirrored ceiling, and the opposite side of the room was a large bathroom that had a bath you could easily fit 6 people in. She said we could come down anytime we wanted and do anything we felt like but there was no pressure.
People seemed supportive and friendly, giving us advice and stories about their own adventures into this lifestyle. This helped us to relax and start to open up more, and get excited about where the evening’s antics might lead. Abbie & Emma
Back upstairs we went, walking past the photo room which by now had 2 ladies, half naked getting snapped, and then onwards back to the bar. We grabbed a few more drinks and started chatting with everyone, introducing ourselves, what we did etc … after a while the conversations turned more sexual: what did we like, what were we interested in, what did we want to try, had we done this kind of thing before. People seemed supportive and friendly, giving us advice and stories about their own adventures into this lifestyle. This helped us to relax and start to open up more, and get excited about where the evening’s antics might lead. Through these comfortable conversations we built up enough courage to go back down to the play room which would make your jaws drop to the floor!
We entered the door to see a sea of half-naked people, some females with females, some threesomes, some people giving oral and we couldn’t help but smile! It isn’t every day you walk into this kind of party. We didn’t feel ready to dive straight in, so we headed to the bathroom and thought maybe we could start with getting into the large spa bath, we started running the water and undressing which started to attract other people into the bathroom. We took some of our clothes off but weren’t fully naked and perched on the edge for a while whilst having conversations with some of the other people. Two girls got undressed and got into the bath fully, we chatted but nothing piqued our interests, so we thought it best to go get another drink. A bit of Dutch courage might help us achieve what we had fantasised about when we booked this night.
The second time we came back down to the play room, we both wanted to see and do more than we had before so we pushed our way past people having sex and made ourselves at home in the centre of the circle bed. We started kissing and before you know it we were naked, having sex in front of strangers. We discussed our boundaries before we attended the party so we had both agreed that, as this is our first time, we wouldn’t do anything with anyone else.
Whilst on the bed, kissing and touching each other, we had people come and ask if it was a private party (this is their way of asking if we are interested in playing with other people, specifically them!). We politely declined all offers and they had no problem with that at all. Some of them were just happy to watch and we certainly didn’t mind that at all, in fact it made the whole experience even more exciting! Who would have known having to put on a bit of a show for people would be such a turn on for both of us. We took our own toys to the party, but being new to this scene we were unsure on the etiquette, we doubled checked with someone that toys were allowed (getting a laugh and then quickly an answer of, “of course they are, you can do whatever you fancy!”)
Abbie grabbed some clothes and ran off back upstairs to grab our bag. Now we’ve attended a few gatherings, we know people always bring their own toys, some even bring whole suitcases full of stuff. Bondage, fetish, toys, lingerie changes, as far as we can make out most things are on the cards, and rightly so. These people have all come together freely and openly to express their enjoyment of all things pleasurable, so who are we to say what is acceptable or not.
Our performance seemed to go down well as there were a few comments about how good we looked and how hot our sex was, which gave both of us a complete buzz! Abbie & Emma
I waited on the bed for Abbie to return with our bag, to the left of me on the circle bed was a woman giving oral, to the right was a threesome that looked a lot of fun. I saw Abbie fly back through the door. I’m sure my face was beaming when I saw her, for obvious reasons. We got out our toys and started fucking. Our performance seemed to go down well as there were a few comments about how good we looked and how hot our sex was, which gave both of us a complete buzz!
Once we were done, we got dressed and that was that. Our first sex party! In our opinion, it was great. We both had a relaxed fun time and on the ride home agreed that this is something we liked and would explore again. We woke up the next day, slightly hungover and horny, and after discussing our night we had more amazing sex which pretty much confirmed that we wanted to do it again.
Whilst chatting with some people that night, we were directed to a few online websites that would help us if we ever wanted to attend any more parties or socials. We’ve now been connected to other open-minded people and have attended another social. This one being very different from the first one, as we had all been chatting to each other on a large group chat for a few months before, so we knew who we were meeting before we had even got there. There were a few familiar faces but we got to know a lot more people and it feels more like a community. We’ve gained so much support and advice from people who have been in the lifestyle for a long time.
The second party we attended was in a club, it had a large jacuzzi that you could fit about 30 people in, with a lot of beds dotted around it. There was another room to just chill with sofas and beds and then the bar area with a dance floor and a DJ. That party was much more of a social setting and we were chatting to a lot of couples about their sexual fantasies and desires and what they were looking for. We had decided this time we would be more open to the idea of playing with another couple and so we did! We met this lovely M/F couple and took to the bed with them, again me and Abbie spoke to each other throughout to check we were both happy and comfortable. Speaking to a lot of couples this is a massive thing when opening a relationship up.
We had another successful party and will probably plan to attend more. The first party we attended blew our minds to the possibilities and we had such a great time. It was a lot smaller and a lot more intimate, whereas the second one was on a larger scale (100 people) and involved less sex and more socialising, although we did have to leave about 1am so it might have been that we took off before all the action started.
At most parties, clubs will allow a single woman to attend, and she would be called a unicorn. Abbie & Emma
I don’t think there are many do’s and don’ts – there aren’t specific rules in place per se, just that you respect everyone and don’t judge. Some parties are couples only, some evenings the clubs have a single male attendance where they are allowed in. At most parties, clubs will allow a single woman to attend, and she would be called a unicorn. For us, we wouldn’t attend an event or party that allowed single men but that’s our personal choice.
The two parties we’ve been to have been ticketed, although the club takeover event opened its doors to their regular customers at 9pm but I believe you have to be a member to get in. There are places “spas” that you can just walk in and out of as you please, to watch or to have sex. These places would normally be where the single men attend.
Once everyone is relaxed, some people decide to undress and walk around in their underwear. Some of the women look amazing in their sexy lingerie. They’ve worn it to this kind of party, so why not walk around and show it off! From what we’ve seen, there aren’t too many people just walking around naked, this normally only happens when you’re in bed playing.
We both enjoyed the experience and are definitely open to doing it more. We are both sexual people and are open to letting other people into our bedroom, but not into our relationship. We are open to having sex with other people, within our own rules but we don’t want to have an actual relationship or anything more with them. We’ve both discussed the fact that we find it a turn on seeing each other getting or giving pleasure to others as long as both of us are involved. We wouldn’t be happy to say bye at the entrance and then go off and fuck other people, it all has to be done with both of us involved.
The whole process itself is exciting, and when we speak about it together, we get turned on and then end up having great sex. Abbie & Emma
The whole process itself is exciting, and when we speak about it together, we get turned on and then end up having great sex. We are both comfortable with each other, we trust each other, and we are open to trying new things. I don’t think anyone should be judged for enjoying these kinds of experiences but also, this isn’t a thing we want to do every weekend, every now and again yes, but not all the time. We don’t need that, we get what we want and need from each other and attending these parties just adds another level to our relationship.
We’ve even spoken about attending a fetish club and getting dressed up to see if that’s something we would enjoy. The possibilities are endless, and it’s great to have found others who are open enough to try all these new things out with us.
The only tip I could give would be to just be open minded, get chatting to people because everyone we have met so far has been so lovely. There should be no shame around people’s sexual preferences and fantasises, and if you can respect what you’re going into and have a willing partner who you can communicate with, then you’ll be in for a great time!
One big misconception about these kinds of parties is often that they’re just one giant orgy or fuckfest. This isn’t quite accurate, yes people have sex maybe multiple times with multiple people but it’s also about chatting and connecting with other couples and people. Most of the people we spoke to say they have to have a connection with someone else which isn’t just sexual. Of course, you want to fancy the person but also you want to be able to hold a conversation with them as well. Perhaps this is why a lot of them become friends.
We have spoken to people about this lifestyle and some are completely on board and think it’s great that we are open enough to do this kind of thing, and we have had some people that make us feel like it’s wrong or disgusting, that we should be ashamed.
There is still such a stigma attached to this lifestyle and ethical non-monogamy, when in fact, for some couples, it’s because you have so much love for each other and trust that you are willing to open that up and share that with others which I think is kind of beautiful!Abbie & Emma
There is no shame in what we do, it isn’t for everyone, but we enjoy it. The friendships we’ve made, the conversations we’ve had, the places we’ve seen, and the sex we’ve had is fucking great! So I feel sorry for anyone who isn’t at least willing to be open to the idea of sex parties as empowering sex positive spaces for individuals and couples to explore their sexual fantasies safely.