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TEAM ZOELLA MAY 28, 2022

What to *Actually* Expect When You’re Expecting: 50 Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant 

From weird body changes (hello bigger feet) to the first postpartum poop and hot porno dreams, growing a baby is frankly full of both sweet and shitty surprises in equal measure.

The discharge, the fire crotch, the chronic constipation and the second-trimester LUST (what a combo, seriously) – you bet they failed to mention any of those things at NCT group.

In a quest to find out what you really need to know when you’re expecting, we asked 50 straight-talking mums what they’re biggest WTF moments were during pregnancy. From weird body changes (hello bigger feet) to the first postpartum poop and hot porno dreams, growing a baby is frankly full of both sweet and shitty surprises in equal measure. Who knew the simple act of trying to shave your legs would be a three-part mini-series, for example? Or that your belly would be fondled by the local butcher, baker and cappuccino maker on a daily basis. As for the pregnancy glow? That’s the greatest fucking gestation myth of them all. 

Without further ado, here’s all the glorious unfiltered stuff no one tells you about being preggo…

1. That not loving every minute of it doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. 

2. Take photos! My pregnancies were a long time ago and I only got a few photos of pregnant me. 

3. You DO NOT recover after 6 weeks… more like 6 months, especially with forceps!

4. That bit of jam on toast you have after the baby is born is the best meal you will have in your whole life. 

5. That sometimes labour doesn’t progress. 50 hours of labour and I still didn’t get past 5cm. 

6. You will be constipated most of the time. 

7. The morning sickness isn’t just for the AM, it can be at any time and all day long!

8. Just how much your sleep can be affected. As early as 2-3 weeks pregnant, my insomnia started!

9. You will probably tear and most likely prolapse but you WILL heal and it WILL get better.

10. How isolating the first trimester can be. 

11. Every checkup feels like a huge relief.

12. That after having a baby the best thing to wear is massive black comfy knickers and that you will still be wearing them 2 years on. Come through M&S full briefs. 

13. That energy just vanishes from day one. No second-trimester energy for me. 

14. That getting/staying pregnant isn’t as easy as they make out. 

15. That not everyone gets morning sickness and home births really are safe!

16. That morning sickness can be triggered by smells – even nice ones.

17. Your belly button might stretch so much it disappears. 

18. That you have to push a big ol’ placenta out after your baby. 

19. Piles. So many piles. 

20. That the stool softeners they offer after a c-section are just as important as the pain meds. 

21. It’s a lie that you will get big tits… instead they will stay an A cup and the empty skin will just sag down to your belly button.

22. You will have so much saliva in the 1st trimester. Get ready to drool!

23. Caesarean recovery with your first is nowhere near as bad as people say. 

24. It’s ok to not enjoy it. I hated being pregnant. 

25. What postpartum bleeding is actually like…

26. Not everyone gets cravings even though it’s the main thing anyone ever asks about. 

27. Yeast infections are so common in pregnancy but no one talks about it. 

28. Your discharge can be strange and confusing but fear not, it’s normal. 

29. Morning sickness might make you unable to drink plain water.

30. How many more boogers you get…

31. That it is possible to tear from your vagina to your bum hole and you will forever regret not appreciating just how nice your vagina looked pre-kids

32. That the hair growth is real. You feel like an ape at all times. 

33. The intense heartburn!

34. That incompetent cervix is a thing. Just because my baby is healthy doesn’t mean my body is able. 

35. That the ‘waddle’ is from pelvic pain and not a heavy belly. 

36. Your pelvic bone might separate early. 

37. You can leak milk while you’re still pregnant. Catch it and save it for when the baby is here. 

38. The extreme exhaustion. It deleted my personality for months! 

39. That your feet can grow / stretch. 

40. The sex drive! 

41. How much you’ll hate your significant other in the middle of the night. 

42. The swelling. You will need to sit knickerless in front of a fan for fanny ventilation. 

43. The night sweats. 

44. How much you can accomplish on so little sleep. 

45. After a C-section, they get your partner to milk you like a cow with a syringe… Bye bye dignity. Not one of my highlights, pretty sure it wasn’t his either! 

46. The brain fog – your brain literally stops working. 

47. You will need to pee in the shower or bath for a while. 

48. Lactulose was my best friend. 

49. Labour pains after birth after twins. I thought I had another in there as the pains were ridiculous.

50. The first poo after a C-section. I thought I was gonna split in half! 

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Emily Mendez

very nearly done with the first trimester and the exhaustion, hating how I feel, and constant nausea are real!

Oliver Wright

this is amazing

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