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TEAM ZOELLA APRIL 18, 2022

From Faking Orgasms to Sacking your Bridesmaid: Spilling this Month’s Between You & Me Tea!

We ponder and attempt to answer all of those important life questions and more in this month’s Between You And Me.

Is it ever ok to fake an orgasm to save your partner from red-faced disappointment? Mmm well, you see it’s like a bad party. Why’s that, you ask? Because only one person came. It’s time to ask for what you want. A good sex life is one where both parties communicate, feel good, and yeah, in an ideal world, cum!

How about talking to an ex friend’s ex? Is that really breaking girl code or is there a degree of nuance to the rule book… split into pairs and discuss.

What happens when your bridesmaid isn’t happy for you and isn’t willing to go beyond their call of duty for your big day… Is that a sackable offence or is it giving big Bridezilla energy?

We ponder and attempt to answer all of those important life questions and more in this month’s Between You And Me.

Charlotte’s advice

Until you’ve had a proper exclusivity chat it’s going to be hard to gauge whether the other person thinks this is going anywhere, so as with many things opening up communication here is likely going to resolve any confusion and let you know where you stand. It could be the case that if you’re unsure then that tells you all you need to know, but equally maybe the other person is feeling tentative about asking you the same thing! Either way it’s better to know sooner rather than later, and know that you deserve to know where you stand.

If your current casual dating setup is basically just hooking up and the occasional breakfast together the next day, try suggesting more relationship-like activities- maybe a dinner or coffee date- and see how it’s received. You might find actions speak louder than words and resistance to spending quality time together tells you all you need to know.

Darcey’s advice

Now this is a real tricky one, because ‘casual dating’ in my opinion is basically I want to date and sleep with different people and I do not want a relationship. I think if someone is dating to find a partner, then they say that they are just ‘dating’. I wonder if you have spoken at all about what you both want? Because if there’s been no mention of a relationship in the future so far, there’s a chance that whoever you are dating is not wanting a romantic relationship at the moment. If I was you, I would ask them the next time you see them straight up “what are you wanting from this? Are we exclusive or are you wanting to see other people still?” and you’ll have your answer. I’ve had to do this before and although it was a bit savage being told no I just want casual when I had started to get the feels, in the long run, it was way better than wasting any more time on someone who was never going to commit.

Lareese’s advice

Mmm depends how deep they were! I’m a complete wet wipe so I’d probably still send her a message just to say hey, just to let you know we’re talking. If they were together for years, I think there’s an element of gal code there that I personally wouldn’t risk breaking, friends now or not. If they went out for a week in 2017…then absolutely crack on. No message needed! You owe her nada.

Danielle’s advice

I mean morally I don’t think you’re on the hook here! She’s not your friend anymore and they’re not together anymore. If you’re actually interested in him and see something happening then go for it, but know it might cause a bit of shit. If it’s some tempting revenge ploy then give it a miss, the best revenge is your success.

Darcey’s advice

Is it okay? Yes. Should we? No. I totally get not wanting to disappoint your partner or make them feel as though they are not adequate, but the reality is, if they aren’t making you orgasm they are inadequate in that department. Period. Why should you have bad sex just to not hurt someone else’s feelings? You’d both actually have way better sex if you actually were fully enjoying it, because I’m sure that would equally be a turn on for your partner too. Speak up and tell them straight, this sex isn’t working and we need to try something new, show them what you like and I think it will be so beneficial for your sex life in the long-run!

Charlotte’s advice

Realistically most of us have done it at one point or another to save awkwardness, but not only is this detrimental for you and your pleasure in the short and long term, it also contributes to a culture in which communicating our needs in a sexual situation isn’t the norm, and that’s only going to lead to worse sex in the future too.

If this is someone you plan to maintain a relationship with I’d hope you feel comfortable enough to have vulnerable and intimate conversations and maybe can start by giving a little more direction about what really turns you on and feels good. Knowing what your partner likes and being on the same wavelength is one of the most fun things about sleeping with someone consistently, so definitely try and make the most of this and open up communication so that you’re enjoying yourself to the max!

Don’t punish yourself for faking it in the past, but also don’t close yourself off from the idea that pleasure is out of reach.

Have fun!

Lareese’s advice

My heart goes out to you. I’m firmly in the TTC club (approaching IVF imminently) and I find pregnancy announcements tough, especially when my period strikes again. Honestly: protect your peace at all costs. It doesn’t make you a bad person to disengage, so unfollow and mute accounts you might find triggering, distance yourself from anything that makes an already unbearable experience even harder. Turn down baby showers and feel everything you need to feel. On the days that you can find the joy in such announcements, see them as a sign that things do work, there is HOPE, people do have babies and not everyone shares how long it took them to get there. Sending you all the love, from one mama in waiting to another x

Danielle’s advice

I’m not going to sugarcoat this and I appreciate the message is short so we haven’t got a ton of context but your giving me massive bridezilla vibes 😂 Look, I know your wedding is probably the most important thing to you right now, and it takes up so much brain space, and you want it to be the best day of your life. But guess what, to most other people it’s just another wedding and they have other sh*t going on. If you had given a legitimate excuse to get rid of her other than that she’s not “excited” enough then I’d say go for it, but the reason sounds petty maybe you just need to realise her life probably isn’t revolving around your wedding, but to be blunt, get over it ha!

Lareese’s advice

It would be pretty savage to sack your bridesmaid ngl but I guess it depends on what she’s done to make you feel that way. Does she disapprove of the marriage? Or has she got something going on in her personal life that means she can’t be totally invested in yours right now? Whilst it might feel like the easier option to cut ties ahead of your big day (out of sight, out of mind) where does that leave your friendship and is it something you’re prepared to lose? Weigh up the risk, have a conversation with her, find out what’s going on and explain how she’s making you feel rather than making any knee-jerk decisions. Choose the ‘happier’ story – the one that offers you perspective and compassion. Maybe she’s not unhappy for you, maybe she’s just unhappy.

Charlotte’s advice

I’m so unbelievably sorry this happened to you. Firstly I want to remind you that the only person you or anyone else should be judging is the perpetrator because this is 100% a crime, and you can report it to the police by dialling 101. If it’s an emergency or you’re in immediate danger, dial 999.

We wrote a whole post on the Zoella website last year about revenge porn and how to move forward if you have been a victim of this, and I really recommend you read it to understand the ins and outs of the law and also find resources and support that can help you get back on your feet.

What to Do If You’re a Victim of Revenge Porn – Zoella

You’re not alone and I really hope you can find the support and care you deserve!

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