If ever there was an ideal way to get your five a day, then this has got to be it. We have officially peaked at pineapple dildos, folks. 2022, you’re a real grafter, you are.
For years, the magical mysteries of this fragrant fruit have fascinated humans all over the globe. From supercharging semen and changing the flavour profile of our vagina juice, it’s a tropical temptress with sweet talents aplenty, including turning oral sex into a goddam bodily banquet. Anyone for rice pudding?
It was only a matter of time before someone took the nation’s pineapple obsession and ran with it. And here we are, after eight years in the making, at the precipice of greatness – or a guaranteed trip to A+E – fondling a prototype of the world’s first pineapple-shaped sex toy.
Naturally, logistics were top of our mind.
The office was abuzz with a chorus of who, what, hows but never ones to shy away from uncomfortable topics, self-pleasure and new-fangled ways of securing an orgasm, we knew we were the women for the job. The weirder the better, if you ask us. Hey, if a spinning wheel of fake tongues already exists, then a pineapple dildo isn’t all that wild. Right?
Here’s what happened when we tried the world’s first pineapple-shaped sex toy…
The fear of missing out was too heavy a burden to bear. I’m more than prepared to roll up my sleeves, get stuck in and be a g spot guinea pig patron if needs must.Lareese
I take no shame in admitting that when it comes to sex toys and sex in general, I’m as vanilla as they cum. I’m not all that bothered about branching out and trying the next best thing because in my eyes, a clitoral vibrator is the Lamborghini of sex toys. The end. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But… the perks of this job will not be wasted on me. I was not about to hard pass on the opportunity to try on the world’s first pineapple shaped sex toy for size, was I? The fear of missing out was too heavy a burden to bear. I’m more than prepared to roll up my sleeves, get stuck in and be a g spot guinea pig patron if needs must.
Now, going into this ‘We Tried’, I had my doubts. A pineapple doesn’t exactly scream compatible-with-vagina after all but hey, maybe I need to be more open minded. Perhaps most people look at them when they’re doing their food shop and think, now there’s a fruit I’d like to tap. I’ve never once looked at a pineapple, with all its barbed armour, and thought yep, that would make a good vibrator but maybe I’m the villain?
As sex toy aesthetics go, you could proudly display this on your bedside table or bar cart and house guests wouldn’t suspect a thing whilst they’re pouring themselves a porn star martini. Evidently, everything comes in a pineapple shape these days, so you wouldn’t have to worry about anyone sussing out your yoni décor. Major plus.
In the end, it proved to be a two-man job, which sort of sucked all the fun out of the self-pleasure thing for me. If I need to call my boyfriend to help plug me in.Lareese
Onto logistics. I’m new to the world of fanny fruit and it shows. Like one of the ugly sisters trying to fit in Cinderella’s glass slipper, there’s no way it’s going in. No amount of stuffing or twisting will do. In the end, it proved to be a two-man job, which sort of sucked all the fun out of the self-pleasure thing for me. If I need to call my boyfriend to help plug me in. I’m out, dragons. Don’t get me wrong, it could have made for sexy partnered fun but he was just as overwhelmed by the shape of it as I was. Like a Venus flytrap, I clamped down, he clammed up and there was no hope for lubrication after that…
I’ve decided to park it for another time. When I’m not so in my head about it. Possibly a bit drunk. And it’s not April Fool’s Day.