“My partner refuses to get the snip even though we know we’re one and done…”
In this month’s Between You and Me, we’re chatting baby name anxiety/theft (the fear is real), being the ‘non-invited’ wedding guest (always awkward), facing favouritism accusations at work and vasectomy disagreements…
Now you can have your say, too! Don’t miss our BYAM polls over on Instagram.
Baby name anxiety SUCKS. I feel that to my core as someone who is trying to conceive and has been for a wee while. Ultimately, I’ve made my peace with the fact that it doesn’t really matter if someone else takes the name you like, if you love it you should still use it regardless! It’s hard to find a name that you wholeheartedly love and it’s fine to feel protective of that. I would chat to your pal and just say look just so you know, this doesn’t have to be a big deal but that baby name you said you liked is actually top of my list (great minds think alike and all that) and I’d rather you knew now than run the risk of causing any awkwardness or drama later down the line. And hey, trends change – the names I liked when I was in my 20s are not the same names I’d choose now, so find some comfort in the fact that you or your friend might change your minds when your lovely babies have arrived and you can see what name suits them.
I totally get it, when you’re pregnant or trying, baby names become a fixation. Without trying you become on high alert for any whispers of someone liking your top pick. As hard as it is to do, remember that things change, tastes change and a name you love now may get the sharp veto when the time comes. That being said if you both end up naming your child the same thing, i also think that’s absolutely fine. If you love it, don’t let that stand in your way. I think if it’s not a family member, it’s fair game. Just have a conversation about it first.
As with most Qs about weddings, I usually side with the Bride and Groom as people are SO quick to forget that it’s THEIR day. Their one special day where everything is about them and the love they have for each other. So regardless of whether they have kids or not they can decide if they want kids there, maybe they only want theirs there? They also don’t need to have their wedding be all or none when it comes to children, maybe some close family and friends are able to bring there’s but others are not. Kids can be a huge extra cost and honestly quite loud and annoying ha, they also probably won’t even remember it in most cases. A lot of parents are also grateful for the night off from watching little ones. Either way, everyone should just respect the wishes of the Bride and Groom it’s a free party after all!
I can definitely see both sides for this one! If the bride and groom don’t have kids, I see how naturally they would probably be less inclined to have other people’s kids at their wedding, as the responsibility of them stops the parents maybe having as much fun. However I do really feel like kids can bring a lot to weddings, I really cherish the weddings I went to as a child and also have really enjoyed the excitement kids feel on wedding days as an adult. I suppose if you don’t have children in your close family, having your mate’s kids probably isn’t as sentimental, but maybe to consider close family? A few weddings I’ve attended the kids have had to leave at 8-9pm, they usually went home with the grandparents etc who were happy to leave at that time too and then everyone else stayed to let loose a bit more. At the end of the day, it’s 100% the bride and groom’s decision and I think anyone going to the wedding would respect that.
This is tricky! It’s lovely having friends in the office and it seems a shame if you now feel like you need to be careful of showing your closeness, but if you’re confident it’s genuinely not impacted your work or opportunities in a professional capacity then I’d say carry on as you are! Really the responsibility should fall to your friend/manager as the one in the position of authority here, so you could ask them to perhaps hold back a little when it comes to being overly familiar and ‘BFF vibes’ at work and keep the in-jokes and hugs to post 5pm, and really that’s all there is to it!
When it comes to social media, maybe only share any out-of-office hangouts to your ‘close friends’ Stories until things blow over, but as I said the responsibility really falls to your manager to show there isn’t any favouritism happening and everyone is being presented with equal opportunities. Close friendships with those at work means boundaries inevitably become blurry, so do keep that in mind too, especially when that person is your superior!
This sounds super annoying to me, so I get the frustration! Being accused your manager is favouring you over others just because you are close seems a bit childish if I’m honest. I mean of course, if you were working a sales job for example and they gave you all the best clients, then I’d say that was crossing a line in your workplace relationship, but if nothing like that is happening and you are just genuinely good friends but know where the line is drawn professionally, I see no issue. I think because of blurred lines happening sometimes in workplace friendships, people can sometimes feel threatened by that, but I think as long as you continue on just being good pals but also getting the work done, people will soon realise it’s not impacting them in anyway.
Ahh, the age-old dilemma and intricacies that come with living with a friend or partner- it’s complicated! If you’re enjoying your time living with your bestie then don’t cut it short for a boy- if he’s the one he’ll still be there 12 months down the line and if your current dynamic is working then maybe now isn’t the time to shake it up. There’s typically such a small window in our lives in which we can live with friends before it’s the norm to be in a serious relationship and move in with S/O, so I would lap it up and enjoy this time that you’ll no doubt look back on in your 40s and 50s and be so glad of. Maybe warn your friend that once your next renewal is up you’re thinking about a change in your next chapter, but if I were you I’d lean into wine Wednesdays with a rom-com, gossiping about the night before in each other’s beds on a Sunday morning and borrowing each other’s clothes for last-minute plans galore!
I think when you get to that point with your other half you want to move in with them ASAP! It feels like a nice next step and is a really key progression for your relationship. Your friend may already have a feeling you’d like to move in with him so don’t worry too much about having ‘the conversation’ if she’s your best friend she’s obviously going to understand where you’re coming from, as long as you give her ample time to make other arrangements there’s no reason she should be annoyed or upset with you. People grow and change and move, it’s all a part of life, can’t live with your bestie forever. Make plans to head to the same retirement home so you can be roomies again when you’re old and playing bingo (that’s what my friends I have decided ha!).
I think it’s incredibly unfair how the responsibility of contraception is often weighted towards women. If both parties don’t want to have children and have made the final decision on that life choice then why should it automatically fall on the woman in the relationship to ensure they don’t fall pregnant? If a man isn’t prepared to wear a condom for the rest of his sex life then why should we take a pill every day, alter our hormones or have coils inserted for them? I certainly think it’s a conversation worth having than something that’s immediately written off.
I totally get the frustration that as women it’s somewhat expected we’ll ‘take one for the team’ when it comes to contraception and the pill, but I also think no matter the speed or simplicity of a vasectomy, ultimately it’s your partner’s body and they can’t be forced into a surgery they don’t feel comfortable with. It seems like a simple solution when you know you don’t want more children, but perhaps for him there are underlying anxieties about having a medical procedure that run deeper and he doesn’t feel able to communicate right now?
It’s estimated that 2% of men who choose sterilisation will experience long-term genital pain, and whilst unlikely, I do understand that for some men that’s considered too great a risk. Continue the conversations as I feel this frustration will only continue to manifest unless you can get to the root of the ‘why’, but I’d say try not to be too hard on him about something which ultimately does concern his body.