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TEAM ZOELLA FEBRUARY 18, 2022

Between You And Me: Red Friendship Flags, Deal-Breakers and Political Unrest

From forgiving your pals (or not) for forgetting your birthday to political views upending relationship bliss, going after the salary you deserve and how to find the one when it comes to therapists, keep reading to find out the team’s thoughts on this month’s BYAM problems.

“It was my Birthday in November and a few of my close friends didn’t remember”: The Monthly Slice of Between You & Me Drama

Ah, February! The month of love red friendship flags, deal-breakers and political unrest…

From forgiving your pals (or not) for forgetting your birthday to political views upending relationship bliss, going after the salary you deserve and how to find the one when it comes to therapists, keep reading to find out the team’s thoughts on this month’s Between You & Me life problems.

Don’t miss the BYAM polls over on Instagram!

Charlotte says…

I totally understand your frustration- birthdays can be a big milestone and especially after the past few years I feel like celebrating these occasions is more important than ever!

I would raise the issue with your friends and say you were hurt by it, because it sounds as if your upset is still naturally lingering and this would be preferable to letting your feeling snowball into more of a grudge. Perhaps you could suggest a get-together in the next few weeks as a belated celebration so you still get your moment?

Remind yourself that even though this hurt your feelings, hopefully, your friends will recognise that this wasn’t cool and it will be a one-off. You are deserving of spending time with!

Danielle says…

When it comes to my birthday I pretty much always do the arranging for any kind of gathering, so automatically it would be pretty hard to forget as we’re all talking about it. Did you arrange any kind of function or say anything about your birthday leading up to the fact?

Obviously it’s super rubbish they all seemed to forget and it probably left you feeling unloved and left out around your birthday which isn’t very nice. But I have to wonder why you didn’t say anything at the time? You’re still harbouring bad feelings towards them and they’re none the wiser, I’d shoot them a message and navigate the situation based on the responses, if they’re extremely sorry and embarrassed then put it down to them being innocent and having a lot going on that time of year. If they get defensive maybe they’re not actually “close” friends at all.

And this year be a little more ballsy about your bday! It’s your day! Mention it in passing, organise a get-together, don’t wait for people to forget, put it on their radars!

Lareese says…

You might feel lonely but you’re not alone with this, especially after the last 2 years. Seek out what brings YOU joy. Join groups (writing, book clubs, sport, Facebook communities, you name it!). I know making friends as an adult is scary but sometimes you’ve just gotta put yourself out there and get back on the horse as it were! Good luck lovely x

Darcey says…

This is always a hard one, if dinners are tough because when politics is brought up they belittle your views, that’s definitely something you should talk to your boyfriend about and set boundaries that maybe politics doesn’t get brought up around the dinner table. I am a firm believer though that opposing political views shouldn’t get in the way of relationships (for the most part), society has created this environment where you have to pick a side and then dislike everyone who sits on the other side and I think this really affects human relationships.

If their beliefs morally go against yours, that’s different and would be hard to navigate, but if you just have opposing views on some things, I don’t see why that can’t turn into an explorative conversation, rather than a difficult one. But if they make you feel bad, that’s not okay so boundaries are definitely needed!

Danielle says…

Eeek I’m pretty partial to healthy political debate with my dad and actually, my sister in law usually joins me in giving our opinions and trying to change his traditional viewpoints but we always finish still respecting each other and no one ever feels dog piled.

If this is happening at your BF’s family dinners where he and his family are on one side and you’re on the other it sounds a little unfair numbers-wise, and it obviously must be getting you down. I’d ask yourself whether you want to be with someone who has such different views from your own, how will you raise your children (if you want any), will he stand with you at a protest you feel passionately about? That’s the kind of person you want to spend your time with, not someone ganging up on you with your in-laws at a casual dinner.

Charlotte says…

It can be a really overwhelming process (especially when you’re not feeling great to begin with) but thankfully there’s been a big boom in companies/organisations making the process super streamlined and accessible.

The Self Space website could be a good place to start- they have over 45 qualified therapists that can work on a 1-1 basis and each has a small bio onsite that gives you an idea about them and their speciality. They also have this page about choosing the right type of therapy for you which could be helpful when starting the process: Choosing A Type Of Therapy – Where Do I Start? Self Space

If you’re looking for face to face therapy, the website Counselling Directory has thousands of therapists, allowing you to narrow down your search with your postcode to find someone suitable in your area! Counselling Directory – Find a Counsellor Near You

Above all, make sure you’re prioritising someone you feel a connection with (you can usually do intro calls to find out a bit more about how that therapist works), that you trust and feel confident being fully honest with. Good luck!

Lareese says…

Schedule your 1-1 and make your case! You’ve got to advocate for yourself and get the £££ you deserve BUT be prepared to back it up with hard evidence of your input in the business and examples of when you’ve gone above and beyond your call of duty. Chances are if it’s been a while since your last pay review, they’ll be expecting it anyway. Be proactive with your self-development within the role or put the feelers out elsewhere. Getting on with your coworkers is important but if the salary ain’t it, then find one that is 🙂 you’ve got this! x

Danielle says…

This is a tough one as having an awesome workplace with good friends is bloody brilliant, it makes life SO much better and it’s kind of invaluable in that sense. Having somewhere to go every day that you don’t dread is pretty much my main purpose in life, we have to work so much it’s got to be something you enjoy and that goes much deeper than you’re actual role.

I would probably put a case together for a pay rise and have a really honest chat with your manager, tell them how much your love working there but think you deserve more and see what the vibe is like, maybe you can put together a plan for your growth within the company? If they straight up tell you they can’t and leave you dissatisfied then you’ve got a decision to make, maybe have a look around at other roles, but let me tell you the grass isn’t always greener!

Darcey says…

I’m sorry you are experiencing health anxiety and thank you for writing in and asking for help. Health anxiety is so difficult to navigate and something I struggle with to this day too. I am hyper-aware of any changes in my body and always by default go to the worst possible scenario.

Something my therapist told me that changed my life was that usually when someone has health anxiety, they use this anxiety as a distraction from other anxiety-inducing problems in their lives. That’s not to say that health anxiety isn’t extremely stressful and disruptive, but once I started sitting down with myself and going “okay what’s really making you anxious” did my health anxiety start to improve.

Our minds want to protect us all the time, so by distracting us with a make-believe health issue, we protect ourselves from the more difficult problems we need to face. Try writing down your thoughts and feelings when dealing with these health anxieties, definitely DO NOT google symptoms, Google will always say it’s cancer no matter what you type in, if you can get access to therapy I can’t stress enough how helpful that will be and lastly try meditation to calm the nervous system. Doing these things have helped me and I hope they can help you out too!

Got a problem you’d like help with? Email [email protected]

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