It’s the most miserable time of the year and we intend to get into the spirit of things, resenting January with every essence of our being. Cue the wrestling with self-loathing for a minimum of 31 days. We are nothing if not committed to this tragic szn.
We may be vaccinated, caffeinated and freshly masturbated, alas none of that can save us from the January scaries so we may as well lean in and embrace the excuse to be tired, sad, hairy, sober, bloated, skint and fecking freezing.
Here are 20 ways to milk the most wretched month of them all. Can anyone recommend a good breakfast wine and therapist for the occasion?
1 Renew your gym membership…
2 And immediately regret it when you’re 10 minutes into a group class with a chronic wedgie, no air con and no exit.
3 Try to commit to dry January knowing full well you’re going to fall at the very first mention of a g&t. Dry Jan and blue Monday all in one month? That seems excessive.
4 Hard pass on any plans that require you to be sociable. ‘Tis’ the szn for elaborate excuses. It’ll be a miracle if you have any friends left by Feb…
5 Spend 3-5 working days mourning the glow of the Christmas tree. Slightly ironic that it’s called a living room when it feels a lot like drowning in pine needle grief.
6 Grapple with the millennial urge to leave your job, open a coffee shop with a library and a florist in it, all whilst raising ducklings in your expansive cottagecore garden.
7 Realise no matter how much sleep you get you’re going to be perpetually tired until you pass away. How long can we continue like this?
8 Show no sign of remorse when you break dry jan.
9 Fail to get through any 24-hour period without letting everyone know just how cold you are. The blanket is the most subtle thing about you.
10 Wonder if it’s a boyfriend you really want or if it’s just dark by 4pm.
11 Return to work even though you don’t remember exactly what it is you do. Thriving.
12 Feel shocked and saddened that it’s January 2022. Time flies when your life is falling apart.
13 Decide now is the time to get a therapy dog. Borrow My Doggy was the gateway drug.
14 Feel grateful for the return of masks – our number one protection against men telling us to smile.
15 Wish there was a gingerbread latte toffee penny equivalent for January so we could throw caution to the wind and drown our existential sorrows on the way to the office. What would the Jan flavour be though, granola, porridge, CBD?
16 Leave your bed at 9am, under the illusion that you will also get to work for 9am. It’s called toxic positivity and you are sadly mistaken.
17 Stare at screens all day for a living to provide a good life for your dog.
18 Wear everything you got for Christmas and spend the whole day paranoid everyone’s staring at you in your new hat, boots, jumper and Fitbit.
19 Visit your local Waterstones, just for the mental health break. So, this is love.
20 Prepare to riot if Evermore doesn’t win Album of the Year at the Grammys.