And just like that, our fuel tanks, social battery and bank balance are all running on empty. Stop the world, we want to get off pls.
If you thought the eight-legged seasonal invasion was the stuff of nightmares (shudder) it’s got nothing on the forecourt fisticuffs unfolding at a BP garage near you. Sure, spiders are scary and everything but have you ever experienced the unique fear of being a sane person genuinely in need of a few pumps of petroleum in autumn 2021? It’s chilling.
Whoever’s running October has had their fun. Let’s get back to the usual Halloween fright night material, shall we? If you can’t beat ‘em, leave them and their jerry cans to it and join us in waiting for this whole thing to blow over. After all, it’s not like we did any walking last year, is it…
Unleash the conkers, serve the false widows their eviction orders and fill up your tank with our sarcasm and good spirit because it’s gonna be a long ol’ hike to the pumpkin patch this fall, folks.
Here are 20 ways to make the most of October (somehow. By some kind of miracle).
1. Find yourself bemoaning the petrol wankers filling up their jerry cans… for their lawnmower. It’s a beautiful day to be license-free by choice.
2. Fortunately, it’s all going to be alright because you exist purely on lowbrow comedy and croissants.
3. Feel protective of Jurgen and his gravity-defying, windmilling excellence on Bake Off.
4. Wonder if you’ll ever know what it feels like to eat one Viennese biscuit. Who are these elite creatures?
5. Have another go at ruining a Tik Tok trend. Can’t stop, won’t stop.
6. Go to incredible lengths to have a distinctly average barely caffeinated seasonal beverage. However thirsty you are, remember your car’s thirstier.
7. Catch up with Joe Goldberg and his sweaty little baseball cap – just a wholesome autumnal watch to bring the pulse down to a calm resting state.
8. Make a wish whenever the clock strikes 11:11. Always respect your angel numbers.
9. Add the entire confectionery aisle to your online food shop. The spooky Soreen and zombie eyeballs won’t eat themselves.
10. Feel personally victimised by spiders. Mating season is over, you hideous randy beasts.
11. Dedicate an entire day to watching #MiriamMargolyesTok. She is soul fuel.
12. Start looking for a Halloween outfit…
13. End up going as sexy witch / sexy cat / Kim K, anyway [delete as appropriate].
14. Upgrade to the iPhone 13. Hollywood in your pocket? They really don’t know the average post-pandemic pocket, do they.
15. Soft launch average girl autumn on your Instagram story. The sleeve of that Frankie Shop dupe jacket here, a pile of leaves there.
16. Realise your toxic trait is buying a new outfit for every event in your life, knowing full well you’re not going to go to any of them.
17. Resist the urge to cuff up. It’s a heated blanket you really want.
18. Take up horse riding lessons – no diesel, no problem.
19. Crank the heating up. You’ve worked hard for this. You deserve to be toasty.
20. Get weirdly into berets again.
