Another month, another meltdown. It wouldn’t be BYAM without them would it? The August edition sees us handing out our best advice for body hang-ups (you will need: zero fucks), how to come out as non-binary to your family, breaking up with your partner for the sake of your mental health, how to focus on […]
Another month, another meltdown. It wouldn’t be BYAM without them would it?
The August edition sees us handing out our best advice for body hang-ups (you will need: zero fucks), how to come out as non-binary to your family, breaking up with your partner for the sake of your mental health, how to focus on the here and calling quits on a situationship because chasing him when he’s not willing to chase you is not a 2021 vibe, no way, NO WHEY (Chloe Love Island voice).
Repeat after us:
I will love thy big beautiful boobs I will be true to myself, regardless of other people’s unsolicited opinions I will put my mental health first I will savour the present moment I will protect my energy and walk away from the things that no longer serve me
Good, commandments done, let’s get down to BYAM business…
Hiya love! Thanks for being open and honest about something that’s making you feel less beautiful, I can assure you that without even looking at you it is not the case, but that’s the thing about our own personal bodies, it doesn’t always make sense to everyone else. As a fellow big breasted lady, I feel like I’m constantly seeing dresses/tops/bikinis that look far better on smaller chests, and that’s because they’re definitely more ‘on trend’ at the moment. Firstly it’s absurd that certain body types and looks are more popular than others at certain times, women should constantly be celebrating everyone and every body instead of glorifying specific things that are completely unattainable. Spend your time and money figuring out what to wear to make you feel most confident and amazing and stick with it, regardless of what’s currently in fashion. I’ve been around long enough and have enough gal pals to know that everyone wants to change something, the girls with big boobs want small boobs and vice versa, the tall girls want to be shorter and the short girls want to be taller. And I think it’s really sad we all feel like this, but the more I hear it the more I feel like ‘Oh f*ck it, I am who I am!’ Your body is amazing and does incredible things for you every day, I think you should have a look into the Body Neutrality movement, which is basically that you do not have to ’embrace’ or cultivate a love for your body or feel that you have to love your body every day. You may not always love your body, but you may still live happily and appreciate everything your body can do.
Hello you wonderful big busted queen. You’ve come to the right place! My boobs started growing when I was 12 and have never really stopped. I still notice them fluctuating now even at 27. It has been a constant battle with body image. In school I would get in trouble for wearing the same tops as girls with smaller chests and I think that really put my confidence down. Since then I’ve ALWAYS felt the need to cover them.
I suggest you follow people with similar body types on social media. There are so many great accounts where people are unapologetically them. I followed all these amazing people with huge boobs and great fashion sense and thought they were absolutely STUNNING but the one thing they had that I didn’t was confidence, so that’s what I’m working on now. Give yourself a little love, I’m willing to bet you’re absolutely beautiful.
Wear what you want to wear and if you’ve got it flaunt it I say. Wear the low cut top, embrace the v neck and after the first few times, you’ll feel great.
I also think it’s important to remember that everyone has something they want to change about yourself. You are made exactly the way you were meant to be and I think big boobs are beautiful. Holly xx
Hi anon! Having conversations about your identity can be tricky enough, let alone with those from different generations whom you know don’t understand, so I hope you’ve taken a moment to recognise your bravery for deciding it’s time to have this chat. Firstly, I think it’s wise to anticipate how your parents might react so you can prepare slightly. They will likely have questions and concerns if the idea of being non-binary contrasts their current beliefs, but that doesn’t mean they can’t learn and grow and be accepting, even if their initial reaction is not what you would hope. Maybe try writing down your feelings and the answers to questions you know they will have so you can enter this conversation feeling a little bit more prepared and have almost a mini script to hand and ready to go.
In terms of the conversation itself, it’s important that you feel safe and in an environment that is comfortable for you to be vulnerable, so consider how this is best possible and make it a priority. Maybe it’s something you want to hint at or drop into conversation a few times leading up to coming out so that the subject has already made its way into your home, or perhaps you even want to come out via email or voice note if that feels safer. You are the priority here, not them, so tailor the conversation to your needs as much as possible. If you are worried that the reaction will not be a positive one, make sure you have mechanisms in place to support yourself following this. Perhaps let a trusted friend know you will be coming out that night and make sure they’re available to speak to or see in person afterwards, or prepare some positive affirmations that remind you that you are valid, loved and deserving of respect- anything to maintain some safety in your mind.
Remember also that coming out doesn’t need to be a theatrical or dramatic moment necessarily, it’s just a conversation reaffirming your feelings and informing those around you of what they need to do to help you feel most comfortable. Writer Dennis Norris II says they prefer “inviting in” to “coming out” which is a great way to think about it!
Ultimately this conversation is always going to be anxiety inducing, but stand your ground, know your worth and consider that this might in fact be a positive experience in which you can finally be yourself! Good luck and remember you are loved.
Hello wonderful human. Thanks so much for sending your question in. I don’t really feel like I can tell you how to come out as everybody’s journey is COMPLETELY different. You know your family better than anyone and can probably make an educated guess on how it’s going to go. I think start referring to people as they/them or your preferred pronouns so that they get used to the vocabulary. Fairly often, it’s the change that can throw people off. And when someone uses the wrong pronouns for you, they won’t be doing it out of spite, it’s because for however many years they’ve known you as that person.
I’d try and drop some hints before you approach the actual conversation. Just around non-binary people in general, there’s a lot of great celebrity role models that you can just drop in to conversation. First challenge them on their beliefs you don’t agree with.
Have you told anyone you trust yet, a sibling or cousin or even just a friend? I think it’s important to have someone that can support you regardless of how your family respond. There are some great support groups online and even just following some creators on social media who are non binary and are happy to share their story/offer advice is a great resource.
What I will say is, more often than not, people are pleasantly surprised by their loved ones. At the end of the day they want the very best for you and although it might be hard to come to terms with, they love you for who you are and just want you to be happy.
Best of luck to you, sending you so much love, you’ve got this.
Hello my little love, big thanks for submitting this one. I feel this on a visceral level and I’m pretty sure it will resonate with a lot of us right now. We’re so attuned to looking forward, rushing around, focusing on 5-year-plans and ruminating about what’s next for us or even dwelling on the past, sometimes we must physically pull ourselves away from those thought habits and really slow down to sit with the here and now to fully appreciate the moments of today.
Given the fast pace lifestyles we all lead with hectic schedules and social plans until 2022, it’s increasingly difficult to live in the present and it takes work – moments of gratitude and opportunities for mindfulness pass us by every single time our phone dings or an email comes through so what I would say is eliminate distractions where possible. If your brain is feeling particularly ‘wiry’ (that’s what my headspace feels like when I haven’t been in the present for a while), schedule in some screen-free time. The benefits of a digital detox are endless, even if it’s just for a few hours. Take yourself off for a walk – greenery is a must and it’s scientifically proven that looking at the patterns in nature encourages mindfulness and reduces stress. For grounding yourself in the present, why not have a go at journaling? Either first thing in the morning with a cup of tea or last thing at night for a jolly good brain dump. Putting pen to paper can help unpack all that stagnant or frantic restless energy. Another thing you can explore is breathwork classes. Focusing on the breath is such a simple but revolutionary way to quiet the mind and anchor yourself in the here & now.
Lastly, remember to be kind to yourself and make self-care rituals a priority every single day, whether it’s taking a bath with a book, listening to a podcast or just taking 5 minutes to stare out the window with your coffee in the morning. They don’t have to be revolutionary, sometimes just making time for yourself in the simplest of ways, doing one thing rather than juggling 10 things at once and cultivating good habits you can stick to can be so transformative for your mood and mindset. Idleness is SO important. To hell with toxic productivity, we all need a minute to just be with ourselves sometimes. Go get it!
Hello pal! I think we’ve all felt this immensely during the pandemic and I can certainly relate as so many aspects of my life have changed in the past 18 months so for a while I was constantly living in either the past or future- both of which have caused me huge and unnecessary anxiety a lot of the time. I think for a lot of people not being able to live and focus on the present is an anxiety response- we don’t feel safe in the present moment and therefore we mentally take ourselves out of this scenario. If this is something you resonate with, maybe start by focusing on the feelings of unease you have about the present and address them at the core. What is it about right now that feels unsafe or that you need to escape from? What is it about the future or the past that feels like a better alternative?
Ultimately I think a lot of changing this thought pattern is about letting go and being accepting of what is. If the pandemic has taught us anything it’s that controlling our life and its outcomes is impossible and ultimately achieves nothing! Going with the flow is far easier said than done, but when you catch yourself worrying about the things you can’t control, take a breath, use some grounding methods (try googling the 54321 technique) and remind yourself that you are safe. Release the need to be in control of everything and think factually and realistically about what the worst thing that can happen will be if you allow yourself to be present. Chances are it’s far less scary than you think.
Ultimately changing our patterns of thinking takes time and consistent effort, and sticking to our old ways of thinking can feel far easier and more comfortable so don’t beat yourself up if you struggle to change your thought patterns straight away. I find meditating can be great for grounding and general self care and I think that will go a long way in this instance. The app Insight Timer is so wonderful for this, is totally free and has more than 100k guided meditations available at your disposal! Sarah Blondin is absolutely amazing and truly my go-to in times of unease so I really recommend checking out her meditations. Two in particular of hers I love are ‘Learning to Surrender’ and ‘Healing Through Letting Go’ which I think would be particularly useful for you.
Sending lots of love and calming vibes and know that you have the power to change your thoughts.
Hey anon, I’m so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I can’t imagine how difficult this decision must be for you and I totally understand why you are feeling so confused and bad about the situation. Unfortunately, we do just grow apart from people sometimes, and this is nothing to feel bad about, but of course it’s upsetting. It’s hard to make changes in our life which we know will heavily impact our future, by this I mean you’ve probably up until now imagined your future with him, so breaking up with him means you need to now re-write this future without him.
It sounds like you really are having doubts and when doubts have crept in you always need to address them. I think addressing these will be better for you both, you both deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship and you both absolutely deserve to be happy. I’m so sorry too that your mental health is being affected by the hard time he is facing too, this must also be incredibly difficult to deal with on top of having doubts about your relationship. I do think that we must put our mental wellbeing first, always, but of course there are ways of doing this to make sure it’s done compassionately and with as little hurt as possible. I think if you are feeling this way you need to take action to protect yourself. If you want to leave this relationship you can always make sure that someone close to him is aware so they can support him through it. But as much as you care for him and the fact you’ve even written in shows how much you do; his emotional wellbeing isn’t your responsibility. I totally understand not wanting to leave him while he’s in a fragile state, but sometimes we must put ourselves first. It sounds as if he has a strong network around him and he’s also seeing a professional / starting treatment for his mental health, so he sounds as if he’s in good hands. It will hurt him for sure, it will hurt you too, but I think in the end you will both be better off not being in the wrong relationship.
Wishing you all the best in the future and big hugs for these next few months xxx
I’m sorry you’re going through it right now. It sounds like a heavy time for your heart. It’s so difficult when someone you care deeply about is struggling with their mental health but if we strip everything back and look at this situation matter-of-factly for a second: if you’re having doubts, you’re having doubts.
As hard as it is to hear, if your mental health has been compromised due to the relationship, I think that’s a pretty definitive sign that something needs to change, particularly as you’ve seen this pattern before, attempted to walk away and found yourself back together again, facing the very same concerns. Ultimately, there’s never going to be a good time to have a conversation about ending your relationship, but if your boyfriend has started treatment for his MH and has that support system in place, then I’d start to think about having the chat sooner rather than later.
Whilst it’s not your responsibility to deal with the emotional fall out, there are ways of handling it sensitively with empathy and compassion. Make sure there is a bridge of support in the way of a mutual friend or professional to keep an eye on him so that once you’ve stepped away, you don’t intervene. Honour both yourself and your boyfriend with the space and time you both need, that way you aren’t sending mixed messages or giving your boyfriend false hope of getting back together. Be kind but firm.
Your concerns about your boyfriend’s condition worsening if you leave are totally understandable and a testament to the love and care you have for him but the bottom line is you’re not a professional, you’re a human having a hard time and taking the necessary steps to make sure your own mental health doesn’t continue to slip. Of course, that doesn’t make the process any easier, the right thing to do isn’t always the easiest thing to do.
No one takes a breakup light-heartedly and those feelings of guilt, questioning whether you’re doing the right thing and feeling like an awful person come with the territory, regardless of if someone is struggling with their mental health or not. As selfish as it may feel, you have to do what’s best for you now. It won’t be easy, you’ll have doubts and you’re bound to want to reach out to him but from what you’ve said, it sounds a lot like you’ve tried your best to make this work but when a relationship is fundamentally dysfunctional and affecting your own wellbeing, walking away seems like the kindest thing to do, for you and for him. I hope you take the necessary steps to look after yourself in what will understandably be a very difficult decision. Sending you so much love xx
Ok, so I’m going to suggest two scenarios for this kind of situation and I guess you can decide which one best fits the situation ha!
Vibe A – back off a bit, match his energy, try not to organise anything and see if it actually makes him question what’s happening and why you’ve gone a bit cold. Sometimes I think people need a bit of chase and if he feels your absence it might be a bit of a wake-up call to remind how great it is when you’re together.
Vibe B – If he wanted to be with you he would. Which is a pretty tough love statement but sometimes the most obvious. If he wanted to ask you out and go on dates and enjoy your company he simply would. Seeing each other twice in four months wouldn’t really satisfy me, and I think it’s worth questioning whether your’e the only person in the picture. Could he possibly be meeting up with girls or guys, or dare I ask is he actually in a relationship you don’t know about? My approach is always to just be super blunt, I’d straight up say this isn’t really enough for me so unless you want to arrange to meet up I’m done! I think you know in your gut whether it’s something worth pursuing or not, but remember you deserve someone who is obsessed with you, and wants to see you all the time!
Hello anon! Let’s cut the chase, if I’m being brutally honest, I think he is either 1) speaking to other people and probably meeting other people or 2) he is potentially losing interest and doesn’t know how to tell you, aka trying to let it fizzle out. The problem is realistically it’s so easy to text someone, but if someone isn’t making the effort to spend time with you IRL then that’s a problem. Especially as I’m assuming you live close by as you haven’t mentioned anything with long distance getting in the way of not seeing each other.
It’s only four months in and there’s so many red flags already, minimal effort, not great communication… is this really someone you could see yourself being in a relationship with? It’s a shame because like you said you get on so well, but there’s so many different aspects in a relationship and he isn’t giving you what you want or need, so in my opinion I think it’s time to take a step back. You could always just stop putting in the effort and see if he picks it up? But my only problem with that is the whole “want what they can’t have”, like you take a step back they wonder if you’ve met someone else, you start speaking again and then his effort drops again. I would just keep an eye out for that kind of scenario! But honestly, I think start speaking to other people and don’t bother giving him your time and effort for such little back.
Give it some thought and whatever you do is fine, as long as it’s always in your best interest, no time to waste on boys who don’t deserve our time babyyy! You deserve someone who wants to take you on dates, spend time with you, who communicates properly with you, and he’s out there just potentially not in this current guy!