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TEAM ZOELLA JULY 28, 2021

NSFW: All the Thoughts & Twitchy Feelings We Had Whilst Watching “Sex/Life”

If you haven’t heard of the show, the premise is this: penis. That’s it. That’s the premise. The steamy eight-part series follows a married woman called Billie who can’t stop thinking about her ex and all the mind-blowing, clit-throbbing, hot-as-fire sex they had.

*CONTAINS SPOILERS*

It’s the question on everybody’s lips after the meat-cute to end all meat-cutes, brought to us by Netflix’s Sex/Life…

Was Brad (played by actor Adam Demos) wearing a prosthetic penis or is he really just blessed with king-size junk?

The gym shower scene (episode 3, 19 minutes in, for anyone wanting to skip to full frontal nudity) has left the nation well and truly hung up. If our memory serves us correctly, we haven’t been this excited since the Duke licked a spoon in 2020.

If you haven’t heard of the show, the premise is this: penis. That’s it. That’s the premise. The steamy eight-part series follows a married woman called Billie who can’t stop thinking about her ex and all the mind-blowing, clit-throbbing, hot-as-fire sex they had. In the lift, in the pool, in the bath, the restaurant. Everywhere and anywhere. Cue the love triangle and thirsty sex scenes so gloriously choreographed, they’ll charm your libido out of its wicker basket and have you pausing to frantically masturbate. The instrument responsible for this sorcery? Brad’s pungi.

Prepare to get so hooked and horny on Billie’s life, you lose sight of everything that matters in your own.

Here’s all the thoughts and feelings we had whilst watching Sex/Life…

I mean, that house in the snow with the old car in front is enough to arouse me. Game over.

Billie’s boobs are magnificent.

But she’s being far too vocal for a finger job.

“Just get the vibrator” should be a podcast.

18 months without going down on her? I’m going to masturbate out of principle because Cooper, that is a war crime.

Not gonna lie, I came here for the famous phallus…

One minute I’m horny the next I’m broody and I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings in quick succession.

It’s all butterflies, babies, boobs and buttcracks. It’s nuanced stuff.

Because the kid is so cute but her tits are so great and I really just want Cooper to fuck her brains out like she deserves.

Did not see the Carrie Bradshaw erotica twist coming.

Just a modest chandelier, Brad. No biggie.

The things that fruit bowl must have seen…

Holy shit, the GIRL CODE IS EXTINCT.

Hudson in his little pastel shirt with that little fucking yellow pocket. Not coping.

That breast pump sounds strangely like a) my aromatherapy diffuser b) my convoy of vibrators.

I feel like I need to hire Hudson to back me like he backs his mum.

It’s been a good 20 minutes without a sex scene. Might turn over for Naked Attraction.

Is Brad’s dog tag the new Connell’s chain. Time will tell.

If my memory (and opinion) serve me correctly, Connell wore it better.

Feel like awkward mumbling Irish is distinctly hotter than Australian but it’s a close call.

Never thought fairy lights would make me horny but here we are…

No peen in that scene. When is this gigantic bell end gonna make its debut?!

Cooper with wet hair is a vibe.

I thought you had to pump and dump after a night out?

Since Cooper discovered the kitchen counter he really does love it doesn’t he.

Side note: even his wank-kins are fancy. What’s on them, a botanical print commissioned by Soho House?

Ok, all the breastfeeding and cute babies between wanking and shagging is really not the formula for me. We get it lady, your nipples are a true multi-hyphenate pair

Bold of B to carry on journalling after the phone call from Brad knowing full well Cooper is a hate follower now.

Well, Mrs Brenda is pure SUNSHINE isn’t she…

19 floors to come, without a vibrator? I’d need at least 100 floors with a mechanical breakdown in between to buy some time.

Fucking hell what is THAT?!

Why do I feel like I’ve just been through an exorcism?

He could literally pick up a bar of soap with that thing.

Got me feeling like I’ve just done a lateral flow test because my eyes are watering and I’m gagging.

This is not real life. This is FICTION. Nothing but a well-hung fable.

And yet, on closer inspection, a rewind and several frantic pauses later, the appendage looks incredibly realistic. I need facts.

calls the boyfriend to (quote) ‘come and look at this!’

“Nah, that’s CGI. Someone’s paid to make that”

Me: “But it has a vein and everything!”

Thank you, Stacy Rukeyser for catering to the female gaze with APLOMB.

Mmm Cooper must be an oat milk kinda man. Breast milk? Not so much.

I’m going to be bitterly disappointed if Brad’s Lad doesn’t have its own Instagram account.

Oh, to be the intimacy coordinator choreographing THAT.

Hate to break it to you Billie but you can’t take a shower with your laptop.

The DEAR ME > Thanksgiving Recipes transition. Well, it sure is eat out to help out this year, Billie.

She does pick a man with a superior head of hair doesn’t she.

THERE WILL BE A DUEL WITH THEIR PENISES I KNOW IT.

And I shall enjoy it.

Very much here for angry Cooper. This is the passion Billie needs, craves and deserves.

‘Piece of shit’ sounds so much better with an American accent.

What is it with sexy TV shows and bees? Don’t remember seeing them in the shower scene.

That buggy is bigger than Billie. The handlebar is literally higher than her libido.

Wait, he doesn’t know what big dick energy means? Pray for Cooper.

Floppy hair + a far from floppy penis. What a combo, Brad.

There’s not a FaceTime screen ratio big enough to handle the wingspan of that thing.

Googles coital alignment technique colloquially known as grinding the corn

“Tonight darling, we’re doing the CAT. The clit wants what it wants”

That is one loaded motorbike.

Steals Bowie from Brad’s baby names list

Is that Farrow & Ball Rangwali they’ve got on the walls?

I’m sorry but there is no way you could do doggy with Brad without sustaining an injury. Nope.

Billie really gets the wear out of that white nightdress. Sultry and sustianable. Love her.

Seriously though, Billie mate, get a password.

If we just let morals slide for one tiny second, can they just fuck one more time?

Mmm, that bathtub doesn’t look big enough to fit both Brad and his penis in it.

Are they going to throw their keys in a bowl with Devon and Trina?

Cheating on B at her cousin’s wedding Brad?! That’s some real shit show shit.

This is one party I would never expect to run into a Karen.

That is quite the aerial yoga swing!

@ me looking around the room trying to find a reliable ceiling I can levitate from.

I’m not really into the whole circling people like they’re Aslan the dying lion though.

It feels very Riverdale all of a sudden.

The party has bad, bad vibes.

You manipulative little shrew Brad showing up at her house with a ring and your leather jacket and your perfect fucking teeth.

But at the same time, if Cooper says stain one more time please runaway with B and have all the sex.

A Brad and Cooper shaped homoerotic twist would really save this finale.

Haven’t heard chickenshit in a long time.

Every kids’ party I’ve ever been to has left me wanting to make a beeline for gelato on the other side of town too tbh.

Alright the stain analogy has gone on long enough.

Blimey, they build blowjob bridges real quick in the suburbs of Connecticut.

Or is she going to risk the 85% for the extra 15 inches?

So, Billie is right back at square one? Settling for the man with the smaller penis and the big pay package when she really just wants to live a sexually fulfilled life with the man in Manhattan with the small bathtub and the colossal package?

Oh Brad & Billie are a couple in real life now! That explains A LOT.

Season 2 can’t cum soon enough.

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