April, you’re up next, son. Beer gardens are beckoning, the four-day weekend is brewing, and church is re-opening. And by church, we mean the salon. Obviously.
Our hair has been through hell and back and it deserves this long-awaited renaissance. Deliver us from lockdown evil and forgive us our tresses – we’re finally back in the chair bitches. One Billie Eilish, coming up…
Here’s how to make the most of April ’21!
1 Put off filling out the census. So sick of being perceived like this.
2 Have a garden party every weekend to make up for all the sad shitty little virtual birthdays we’ve all had to pretend we’ve enjoyed. Milk it.
3 Realise you’re now officially estranged from your dentist. It’s been 84 years.
4 Forget how to make small talk with your hairdresser. You’ve got nothing left to give, just a mask that prevents anyone from hearing anything you ever say again (try adding a hairdryer into the mix. Lol.) and a micro-fringe you made earlier.
5 Nurse your first proper pub hangover since circa summer ’20. Everything hurts and foreheads everywhere are campaigning for change.
6 Praise your introvert for living authentically. Invites are there to be declined.
7 Confess that all of your lockdown walks had a hidden agenda…
8 To find a horse in a field and ideally, get close enough to stroke it on the nose
9 Eat so many Terry’s Chocolate Orange Mini Eggs that you basically identify as free-range now
10 Countdown the days to Handmaid’s Tale Season 4. Praise. Be
11 Feel your Serotonin making a comeback
12 Hate that your signature toxic trait is getting annoyed at everyone else for failing to help clean the house but then getting annoyed when they try to help anyway. Because nobody do it like you do
13 Start to process your Drag Race UK grief. If you can get through Thursdays without it, you can get through anything
14 Celebrate one whole year of being entirely incapable of setting work life boundaries. Slowly dying but it’s fine
15 Fork out for a staycation in a shepherd’s hut that’s more like a glorified loaf tin with a roof, knowing you could have gone to Bali for two weeks for the same price
16 Get heavily invested in the heatwave rumours that circulate every single April
17 Post a photo of blue skies and blossom ‘cos Spring. Keeping it edgy.
18 Ask yourself What Would Jackie Weaver Do whenever things get a bit chaotic
19 Buy a big lilac feather boa just to feel closer to Harry Styles
20 Defrost your social skills and tell your bra to pull up. We’re going IN.
