Klaxon: the tentative we’ll-believe-it-when-we-see-it roadmap to jeans and a nice top recovery is actually happening and sitting on a bench is nearly legal again.
Soon enough, we’ll be roaming around in an arid pub garden somewhere with a gaggle of pals, ordering a lukewarm white wine without the substantial bowl of soup to go with it and trying to relearn how to be sociable creatures again. And we can’t ruddy wait!
As we begin to emerge from our year-long loungewear cocoon (albeit still reluctant to give up our comfortable braless existence) and ride out what is hopefully absolutely definitely the very last leg of lockdown, here’s a few ideas for how you can pass the time between now and freedom. What do you say, one more banana bread for old time’s sake?
1 Delight in the hell of the school run small talk again. What a novelty.
2 Realise that out of the 1,037 things you bought in a previous lockdown life, you can wear approximately none of them
3 Book the 22nd June off work for personal development
4 Despair at the thought of actually having to reconnect with your estranged bras, wherever they may be
5 Get to work on your ‘songs I’m going to cry at this summer’ playlist
6 Start planning your comeback body by doing absolutely nothing because your body is a wonderland 24/7/365 and there’s a special place in hell for anyone who suggests you need to change for summer ‘21
7 Circulate Phil Mitchell memes to all squad WhatsApp groups like it’s your job
8 Delight in pissing off the neighbours with your noise because you have a life again and nothing else matters. Until you have to knock on their door at 1.15am to reclaim the hammock that just landed in their pond…
9 Wish nightclubs would have a soft relaunch strictly for those of us who would be in the overs category on X Factor. Special queue jump offer for those with a bad back.
10 Realise you have no authority over your hair anymore. No authority at all.
11 Exercise your right to feel genuinely excited about sitting in someone else’s garden, knowing full well you still have no intention of going. It’s just nice to be included.
12 Stress yourself out at planning another virtual Mother’s Day / Zoom tutorial addressing her forehead. Love you mum.
13 Admit you’d happily go to Frankie and Benny’s out of choice at this point. Regrettably.
14 Raise a glass for International Women’s Day and all the legends in your life
15 Get weirdly emotional at the prospect of cooling things off with the delivery guy. You’ve got places to be and parcels to miss as of 29th March. We pray he takes the breakup well.
16 Ponder how you’ll ever be able to enjoy casual sex again if you’ve got to stop to get your covid passports out
17 See if your feet can remember how to behave in heels…
18 And immediately require ibuprofen. Can’t believe we used to call this niche pain living.
19 Hope to dear god that in this new post-social-distancing world, the clammy awkward handshake shall remain outlawed
20 Wonder how socially spent you’re going to feel once you’ve used up all your energy on 21st June. Bring it on.