Between You And Me: Answering Your Problems Part 5

Really sorry to hear that you’re feeling anxious about forming new female friendships and that’s really rubbish that you’re experiencing some coldness from a new colleague. Going into a new workplace is a lot like joining a new school halfway through term, everyone else is already settled in with their friendship groups and you’re going to find people you immediately click with and others that for whatever reason you don’t right away. This could naturally make anyone feel a little bit worried or insecure at first, and it’s completely ok to feel like that. Please don’t be discouraged these things usually just take time and the best thing you can do is not try to force it and be yourself as much as you can. I’m definitely an over-thinker and quite sensitive too so I think I would be feeling the same way you are if I was in your position but here are some alternative conclusions that are quite possible and I do feel it’s worth giving people the benefit of the doubt sometimes; perhaps she completely blanked on your name at the party (trust me as you get older this happens more and more!), as you’re new to the business that is possible and would have been just as embarrassing for her if she had got it wrong, perhaps she finds social situations like making small talk in lifts awkward so would rather keep her head down than make eye contact…or, of course, there’s every chance that she is just a bit rude and not interested in making any new friends. Unfortunately in life, you do come across bad eggs from time to time. Hopefully, there are other people in the business that are more on your wavelength that you can find common ground with and as new people join the company you will naturally gravitate towards other like-minded people and build some great friendships. I also want to give you some assurance that you will find female friendships as you get older and they will end up being some of your absolute best friends in later life. I’ve been working for the same company for nearly 8 years and I count my colleagues amongst some of my closest friends and mentors, I even had an ex-colleague as one of my bridesmaids at my wedding. These things don’t happen overnight though so give it a bit of time. I hope things get easier for you, please do reach out if you ever need any more advice! Take care, Maddie xx

Hi! This problem really stood out to me as I’ve been having similar thoughts myself, and can definitely relate to your worries as a 22-year-old too! I think when it comes to our bodies and how we like things to look, it’s very much a personal preference in finding what makes you feel like the best version of you. During lockdown, I stopped shaving my legs, more out of laziness than anything else, and have actually felt a sense of liberation from leaving that area untouched for the longest time since I probably first started growing hair on my legs. Whilst I still sometimes love how shaven legs feel after a good exfoliation and moisturise post-shower, leaving the hair there for far longer than I usually would made me realise that hair is actually not that deep, and no one is judging me either way. Previously I would have been so embarrassed if I’d gone out wearing a skirt and forgotten to shave, and would probably even have made a weird and unnecessary apology along the lines of “ignore my leg hair!” or “excuse the fact I forgot to shave” purely to counteract what I thought others must be thinking. Letting my body simple ‘be’ has helped change my relationship with body hair so much, and it might be something worth trying in your case too. Maybe it’s worth sparking a conversation up with the girls you’re living with and discussing body hair and how you’re feeling about it- I’m 99% they’ll have felt the same in many regards as you’re all swimming together, and it might just help you feel a bit more relaxed and liberated in removing the embarrassment from one of the most natural things our bodies do. Whether you decide to let your body hair grow a little or go ahead with laser hair removal, it’s important to remind yourself that whichever option makes you most comfortable is the right one. Don’t put pressure on yourself to make a decision right away, and definitely don’t go ahead with the hair removal if you feel it’s something you’re doing for others and their opinions more than for yourself. I hope you can enjoy the summer season and feel comfortable and confident in bikinis, shorts and strappy tops galore!

Hey anon, thanks so much for writing in with this as I think it’s an extremely common query people have with themselves and I think a lot of people will relate to this. I’m obviously no expert on sexuality and I would consider myself straight but I also would never rule out a relationship with a woman, does that make me bisexual? Maybe, but I don’t think you always have to label yourself. Sexuality is fluid and it’s a sliding scale, try not to feel guilty about having feelings like that towards woman as it’s nothing to be ashamed about. Don’t worry too much about labelling yourself and just move through life taking each relationship and opportunity as it comes. Maybe your past trauma has something to do with these feelings and if you want to properly unpack that, it might be worth finding a therapist to talk through it with.

Overthinking is something I am very good at too. Having lived with anxious episodes on and off since being 14, I feel that they both go hand in hand. When you are feeling anxious or overthinking, you are very much “in your own head”. One thing my therapist always shared with me which I found very helpful was that when you are doing this, you should intentionally start thinking more “outward”. Look at strangers passing by and think about what they might be doing, where they might be going, what sort of life they might have, whether or not they might be overthinking about something too and what that might me. Focusing on someone else takes your mind away from over-focusing on yourself or the things you are worrying or feeling anxious about. This might help you in the supermarket scenario. Although it may feel like you are the only one worrying about being there, others around you might be feeling that way too, even though they might not show signs of it. Another thing I learnt that helped me over the years was breaking the worry circle. If you find yourself worrying about something over and over and you feel there is no way to action that worry, you should drop it, because it is an endless circle that will not stop and is such a waste of your brain space. For example “I’m so worried I offended my friend yesterday” [can you action this? Yes. You can message your friend and check] “I’m worried I messed up on that test” [Can you action this? No. You can’t find out whether you passed or failed so this a pointless worry that you should drop because it’s not serving you in any way] It’s a tough one to get your mind around at first but I find it so effective. We often don’t think about actioning our worries so they won’t worry us anymore because we’re so used to sitting with them for so long. It’s also true that the things we often worry about happening seldom do, and the huge life events that happen out of nowhere won’t have even crossed our minds.

Hello lovely!

Thank you for sharing your problem with us. It’s very easy to feel like we have to reach certain milestones in our lives by a certain stage in our lives and with that comes a lot of unnecessary pressure, what I would say is, you’ll know when the time is right for you to start dating. It’s on your terms, no one else’s. I’m nearly 30 and I have some friends that are doing marriage and babies and others who are still enjoying the dating scene. So to hell with the rulebook, ‘late’ simply doesn’t exist. Of course, it’s important that, when you are ready to meet someone, you have the self-confidence to feel good about it, but why should your weight even be up for discussion? There’s so much more to who you than how much you weigh and how you value yourself shouldn’t be determined by the numbers on the scales or how successful you are at shrinking yourself physically and mentally. You are worthy of being loved for who you are as a person, not merely what you look like. Between the ages of say 15 and 20, I had a really tough time with my appearance, over-exercising and denying myself of calories because I thought that was my golden ticket to confidence and approval but it was such a waste of time. Losing the weight was a quick and temporary fix and actually it took years of working on myself from the inside out for the penny to finally drop. I’ve given up caring what other people think of my body, because it belongs to me, no-one else. Are you a good friend? Do you have a fab sense of humour? Are you a kind person? – aren’t they things to feel confident about? Tap into the things that make the f*cking great human that you are and maybe then when you’ve acknowledged the things you really do LOVE about yourself, you won’t equate weight loss to self-worth. You shouldn’t have to make yourself smaller or change yourself to fit in with certain unattainable beauty standards to feel worthy. It’s great that you’re recognising that your obsession with losing weight isn’t healthy behaviour. Perhaps try chatting with your parents about how their comments have made you feel, too. You need their support right now! Being thin shouldn’t be the pinnacle of beauty and attraction – know your worth exists far beyond the realms of that damaging narrative and any future boyfriend worth your time and love will know that. Sending lots of love! Lareese xx

Hey! I’m so pleased you’ve taken the time to write in to us about this, for you to already have the self-awareness that you have about your body and how you’re treating it is such an important step to finding happier and healthier ways to live. I’ve grown up my entire life thinking that I should be on some kind of diet and if I’m being completely honest I still have massive ups and downs with it and wish that I could say hand on heart that I always feel confident about my body, I don’t. Even at my thinnest I wasn’t content and I look back now thinking how crazy that seems but there were other reasons that were making me unhappy which I think altered my whole way of thinking, I was also incredibly unhealthy. That being said I don’t think I know a single woman who is 100% happy with their bodies 100% of the time. This is an incredibly sad fact and most likely brought upon by these ideals we’ve been programmed through the media that personifies “perfection” whatever that is. Thankfully it feels as though there is a wave of body positivity and body acceptance online that I want to see gather as much momentum as possible as I for one would love to see those perceptions changed, I highly recommend you follow those people, we’ve featured many of them on Zoella before! When it comes to you being “late” to the boyfriend thing I assure you that’s just society pressure getting in your head again. There is no such thing as late and I promise you I’ve had times where I was much happier single than with a boyfriend so a boyfriend is not necessarily the key to happiness. If I were you I would concentrate all of your energy on yourself, what things make you happy? Figure that out and then do MORE of it. You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anybody, when the right person comes along they’re not going to just see your body, they’re going to see your intelligence, sense of humour, opinions, kindness and all of the other things that make you who you are. If you are set on losing weight then do it for the right reasons, do it because YOU want to feel stronger and healthier not because you want other people to see you differently. Find a personal trainer and nutritionist who can make sure you’re doing it the right way and find a balance that works for you. Take care of yourself! Maddie x

Hello! Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time with this! As Danielle mentioned, conversations around porn/only fans with partners is probably not that common within relationships although I do think would be a very healthy thing to be able to talk to your partner about generally. Everyone will have different levels of what they feel is appropriate and where their feelings lie about it and the only thing you can do is make him aware of how it affects you and how you feel. I also think it would be good for you both to talk about his feelings towards it too. I think it would be good for the both of you to communicate in a much more positive way, make it more of a conversation as opposed to an argument where he may feel he needs to be defensive and say what he thinks you want to hear as opposed to being truly honest with you. I think judging by your email, everything seems to point towards honesty and truthfulness and that you feel you might not be getting that and it’s such an important part of any relationship. Speaking with one another when you’re both calm, collected and having a nice day together will ensure it feels a lot more like a safe space for an open chat. Let him know exactly how you’re feeling and hopefully, he will find he can be more honest with you too. It’s also so important that you zoom out and look at the bigger picture when things like this feel so consuming in your relationship. You have both just purchased your first house and it’s such an exciting step and commitment to one another, it would be such a shame to let this get bigger than it needs to be! Hope it goes well, wishing you all the luck!! x

Hey Anon, thanks so much or writing in about this kind of relationship issue, I think partners talking to each other about how much they watch porn/use only fans/masturbate in general is quite rare and they’re hard conversations to have. You can be left feeling hurt that you’re not ‘enough’ but that isn’t always the case and people don’t always seek out that kind of content because they’re unhappy with their partner. I think one of the main themes in your message is that your thinking a lot about this and you’ve only really had one conversation with your partner. You clearly love each other very much and this should be such an exciting part of your relationship having just moved into a new house together and starting a new journey. I think you’re probably going through some stuff separately as you mentioned your partner is on anti-depressants and you’re concerned that your weight gain has made you less attractive to him. I’d suggest writing down everything you want to chat to him about and sit him down with no distractions and have those hard conversations. Communication is everything in a relationship and if you’re constantly guessing his thoughts and feelings I’m reminding you that you can just ask him. It might feel like a weight off both your shoulders as no one wants to feel awkward or tense around their partner. Wishing you all the best, Danielle xx