Intent on becoming better, leaner, more ambitious people, we convince ourselves that now is the perfect time to challenge ourselves with a plethora of painfully unachievable goals. Spoiler: it’s not and will never be a good time to commit to anything other than Netflix.
Well, fear not, for we can ride this sh*t storm out together. Let’s raise a glass of sparkling wine… water (shout out to the dry Jan crowd) to the most miserable month of the year, here are 20 things you’re likely to find yourself doing.
The only way is up, lads!
1. Embark upon an imaginary journey to get your body back
2. Forget you started said journey due to its fictitious nature and bathe in leftover brie instead. Thy body is a temple – a Cathedral cheese temple
3. Think about doing dry Jan
4. And then think of 175743 reasons not to
5. Zoflora the sh*t out of your home. There’s nothing like spending some quality time with your Minky
6. Do one sit up and feel absolutely CHEATED when you can’t see abs. Disgusting, I’d like to speak to your regional manager at once (she screamed in the gym foyer)
7. Dedicate all the time you do not have to a new hobby simply because you promised yourself you’d be a fuller version of yourself this year, starting with French classes. Sacrebleu!
8. Treat yourself to a new notepad. Ruled lines will keep you on the straight and narrow
9. Lose your tiny mind over all the ‘new year, new me’ members hogging the treadmills and fail to acknowledge that you’re one of them
10. Shake your head at the farce that is: our new government. Waheyyyy. Can we get a refund on this lot?
11. Convince yourself you should sign up for an exercise event
12. And instantly regret it because tracking down your lost Hermes parcel five times a month is basically a 10K race anyway
13. Tidy up your computer and realise the reason you didn’t have any time to achieve anything in 2019 was because you were too invested in… dog memes
14. Realise the lines you thought were just temporary dehydration lines from NYE have now got their feet right under the table and settled into your face… forever
15. Feel sorry for your friends with January birthdays. But not sorry enough to actually, ya know, attend
16. Use snow as the seasonal conversation filler: Wishing for snow. Not wishing for snow. The inconvenience of snow. The snow and trains. The snow and road closures. The snow and office closures. The snow and school closures.
17. Spend a LOT of moola on eye-wateringly expensive gym leggings because that’s the kind of emotional support you need when you’re caught in a spin class and desperate for a poo
18. Start spiralizing everything: courgette, butternut squash, your credit cards
19. Forget how to wear clothes with buttons and zips since your junk is all too used to revelling in Christmas PJs for an obscene amount of time. Far beyond the point of reasonable cleanliness
20. Realise it’s been January for 3 months now.