Surviving Your Work Christmas Party

The office Christmas party is creeping ever closer which means you're gonna need some kind of survival guide to keep the mischief contained enough to protect your employment. In an ideal world, anyway.

Here’s how to survive your office party shenanigans. May you make it out relatively unscathed.

Get ready in the loo – it’s not a Christmas do until you’re applying your makeup in a terribly lit bog and choking your colleagues with deodorant and Elnett.

Go all out on the festive theme. Now is not the time to hold back on the sequins and floor-length gowns, Julia.

Make a beeline for the buffet. Line your stomach with crudités and classic party dip or forever hold your peace. And secretly judge those who stab at the garlic quadrant with a breadstick like it’s a pool of eternal youth

Drink all the water. The aim is to be more hydrated than your Christmas tree at this point.

Don’t make the mistake of wearing a jumpsuit. See above.

Now is not the time to free the nip. Pack safety pins, tit tape, blue tack, gaffer tape – whatever it takes to keep your baps buckled in

Pace yourself. The merriment can run away with you at a time like this. Think sobering thoughts. Dot Cotton on a stretcher. A world without David Attenborough.

Know your poison. Wine, Sambuca, Jägerbomb. Unless you want to sip from the devil’s cup, avoid them all and remember, your body is a temple.

Try to look at life through the eyes of HR. Nothing says social sabotage like necking on with the CEO. Sure, this is a company blow out but it doesn’t mean you should blow the boss.

Beer courage will probably convince you that now is a good time to bring up your pay rise. It is not.

Accept that you’re going to get snap-happy with the blurry selfies and meet the new body parts you never knew you had. We see chins, chins everywhere.

Two unlikely colleagues will be heavy petting in the corner. Don’t be one of them.

Set an alarm to remind you when you need to head off. No one wants to be sleeping in the office dog bed because they missed the last train home (we have absolutely no first-hand experience of that. Zero)

You’re pretty liquored up, you’re feeling loose-lipped and adventurous. You might decide it’ll be fun to snog Kenny the copy guy. Again, don’t go there.

You might feel brave enough to tackle the key change in I Will Always Love You on the karaoke machine but know your weaknesses, friend. Stick to ABBA.

The Christmas party is a great way to catch up with people you spend 8.5 hours with five days a week. Prepare questions in advance in case the chat runs dry halfway through your duck liver brioche

Fight the urge to weep in a circle to Robbie Williams’s Angels. No one needs to see that.

Always, ALWAYS say thank you. It’s easy to forget all the organising that goes into an office knees up, so manners can go a long way. Make sure you acknowledge the person who pulled it all together

Leave on a high with your dignity intact. Je nais regrette rien!