With our traditions and weird festive rituals, we realise how humans really are one and the same. No one knows the words to Fairytale of New York, everyone enjoys seeing celebs eat kangaroo bollocks in the jungle and we secretly all think hot wine is overrated.
So without further ado, let’s raise a glass of the mulled stuff to the last month of 2019. May it be filled with merriment, memes & too many mince pies.
Here’s 20 things you’ll probably find yourself doing this December!
1. Laugh like an idiot at the X-rated ‘elf on the shelf’ tweets
2. Cackle at the UK voting for the same person to do the Bushtucker trial for the third day in a row
3. Drink so much mulled wine you don’t want to touch another drop until next December. Your nostrils will start to reject it.
4. Watch your WhatsApp group chat go off with all the drunk friend / office party Christmas memes
5. Watch the Queen’s Speech and get hopelessly distracted as she throws shade at the government and talks of living within our means after her crown is driven in its own car to be with her
6. Let your kids loose on the tree and then decorate it all again when they’re in bed #mumgoals
7. Terrify yourself by taking your land-loving feet and forcing them to work on ice
8. Cancel your gym membership for this month. Santa doesn’t believe in cardio.
9. Get pissed at your parents for forgetting to buy you an advent calendar. The fact that you’re 28 now is beside the point
10. Call out the person that puts the empty wrappers back in the tin of Quality Street. How disturbing. They are not part of this family. Phase them out immediately.
11. Enlighten someone about how the mincemeat in mince pies isn’t actually meat. I feel personally attacked.
12. Sing carols into the cold air with strangers whether they like it or not. Make eye contact and wonder how weird your mouth looks while singing fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
13. Act like you’re gonna make those Christmas snacks last until 25th December. Lol. Nothing haunts you like a Terry’s Chocolate Orange sat in the cupboard. EAT ME, YOU WEAK, WEAK HOMOSAPIAN
14. Make a Christmas Wreath and realise exactly why you didn’t make it as a florist.
15. Force your dog to wear the ears from another animal or a jumper meant for humans
16. Quote Love Actually like it’s your job. “I look quite pretty” *shudder*
17. Remember you are a strong, independent woman. Except when It comes to unravelling fairy lights. They win.
18. Unite in your collective hatred of spouts and wrapping paper covered in… GLITTER
19. Pretend you know the words to Fairytale of New York – the key is to get louder on the scumbag part
20. Open a present from your mum, only to realise how little the woman who birthed you into being really knows you